Taxicab Confessions

This Thanksgiving break was rather interesting; the normal players were involved.Search, Deranged Biker, Tin Man, alcoholism, insanity and the normal Binghamton things. But what transpired over those alcohol-fueled days of particular interest was the cab rides to and from downtown Binghamton, aptly titled...The Taxicab Confessions. What some of my friends and myself like to do, especially in random situations, is say the most outlandish and bizarre things we can think for some type of reaction. I have to say we were in rare form for the follow taxi scenarios.

The first test subject, err; cab driver seemed to get what we trying to do, but still was a little unsettled I think. Tin Man, Deranged Biker and Myself jumped in a cab from the East Side where we decided to see who could drink rum and cokes the fastest, so the primer was laid down before we got into the cab."Where ya boys headin?" the cab driver asked "Downtown man" I said. After some random banter Deranged Biker starts the game "I once jerked off a gay hooker for $50." he exclaimed. Soon to be followed with "I was lead around his apartment with my dick in a leash." The cab driver was morbidly curious as to where this conversation was going to go. I then followed up with what I thought would be the trump card."If I want to chop off an 8 year old's dick and put it in a martini glass, it's my right as an American, I pay taxes!" Finally, I'm not sure who said this but the cab driver was attacked with the following "I think I'm going to take a shit in my hands and run it through some girls hair." The cab driver burst into hysterics, thus completing the first session of Taxicab Confessions.

My last night in Binghamton, is when we hit the apex of Taxicab Confessions. Deranged Biker, me and Legs left downtown and got into a cab with a driver who I thought had to register whenever he moved and wasn..t allowed near any playgrounds, churches or schools. We had other people in the cab with a college couple and us as well, 3 college students. I opened the game with."Y'ALL TWO LOOK LIKE Y'ALL BOUT TO START BANGIN!" Deranged Biker begins to adopt a persona of a gay, Puerto Rican man, similar to Nathan Lane in Birdcage who then began to hit on the potential pedophilic cab driver."Excuse-a-me, where y'all goin tonite baby?" he would gay-esque ask the driver, and the 3 confused college students. All of a sudden, an important piece of the cab began to drag on the road creating an awful noise. Our cab ride slowed to about 5 mph another cab was on the way to pick us up. I kept ridiculously hitting on girl by saying. "Do you think I'm attractive?" she said, "Yes, I do." "So is that your boyfriend?" No he's not." "Great, so now when can we start BANGIN!?" The other cab driver showed up to pick us up and we all piled out. On our way out of the car, Deranged Biker straddled one of the college students and began running his hands through his hair(with no shit on his hands) and began scaring the shit out of the poor guy. We are all piled into the new cab with our driver, a 350lbs. white lady who had no idea what she was getting herself into. Deranged Biker is continuing his gay Puerto Rican bit, while I am screaming about how "I got 3 chicks in comas pregnant." And how "The last cab driver must be unpopular at the company party because he smells like little kid booty hole" The cab driver, furiously asks us "WHERE ARE THE 3 GENTLEMEN IN THE BACK GOING?!" Deranged Biker says lispily "We goin to Merlins(gay bar)"THE BAR IS CLOSED SIR!" "No its not I know the fuckin owner yo!" We are finally dropped off at a remote location on the East Side, and as we get out I pay for the cab and am yelled at by Legs to hurry up. My response being "I DON'T TRUST THIS BITCH FOR SHIT! I WANT MY FUCKIN CHANGE!" Deranged Biker gets out of the car and whispers in our cab drivers ear "Listen lady, I am stayin out at the Dixie Motel in Endicott room 301, come out there if you wanna get fucked tonight." Legs, who didn't contribute much in terms of harassment, makes up for it by violently shaking the cab and screaming, to which the cab driver threatened to call the cops. We all ran away like we were 14 years old.