Teach Your Dog to Pee and Poop on Command!

Those of us fortunate to live under the care of a loving pet have all dealt with this situation. When I say "loving pet" I of course mean "dogs". Let's face it, cats don't love you unless you feed them. Other than dogs and cats, other furry things people call pets are really just cute little varmints. Rule of thumb: If it needs a cage, it's not a loving pet. Also, unless it's furry, it's sort of a weird thing to have as a pet. Seek help. Of course hairless dogs are a pseudo exception to the rule. I say seek help just in case, because I'm not sure anyone ever bought a hairless dog for anything other than the shock value. Anyhow… on to the situation:

You are in a hurry, but you know you won't be back for hours. Your dog (generally a house pet, because otherwise what is the point of having them?) needs to go outside to do its business. However, every pet owner knows that the length of time it takes your dog to get down to business is commensurate with how much of a hurry you have placed yourself in as a result of poor planning. (YES. Poor planning. You've been there before. What? You suddenly forgot that you had a pet to consider…for the four hundred and ninety-third time?) The more time you have, the more likely it is for the dog to cop an immediate squat. The bigger rush you find yourself in, the more likely it is that your dog will find it necessary to sniff every dandelion in your yard, and take a whiff of it's own poop droppings that your lazy ass has continually left rotting in the yard. (By the way… that white stuff that grows on poop is NOT powdered suger. Just a word to the wise)

In any case, you are in a hurry, and your dog is not. It's a lovely day outside. There are smells that weren't there only three hours earlier. Of course, when you aren't in a hurry, that motorcycle starting up won't faze the poochie in the slightest. You are in a hurry though. So subsequently, the guy next door will start his motorcycle just as Fido's brown eye starts to pucker, and the dog will be distracted to the point of needing to find a new spot. In the meantime, You are growing impatient and the dog senses it, so he starts to cower and you start to reason with the dog, plead with the dog, or yell at the dog for not understanding your tight schedule.

Have no fear. There IS a solution. By the way, contrary to popular belief, you CAN teach an old dog new tricks. You can teach your dog to pee an poop on command. For the record, it's imperative that the animal understands the difference. I have seen many people train their dogs to "go to the bathroom". That's not good enough. Why? It confuses the dog. Here's how: You tell the dog to go to the bathroom and it drops a load but it does not pee, or visa versa. You are going to be gone a long time. You NEED the dog to do both. He doesn't' understand this, because he doesn't even know you are leaving, and when you do, he has no concept of time. He's as happy to see you after a three hour absence as after a three DAY absence. Of course you could try to explain to the dog why it is that he should do both, but it won't be as effective as my method. I digress. If you have only taught your dog to "go to the bathroom" you run the risk that the dog will simply not understand (having just "gone to the bathroom") that dropping a load of digested kibble on your lawn is not enough. You'd also like him to ruin a spot of grass with his urine. He has to know the difference

People who visit my house are amazed to see that Shelby, the little bitch who is kind enough to look after me, will pee and poop on command, and in the order that I prescribe. Even if she doesn't have to go, she will do her damndest to pinch one off, or trickle a bit, just to please me. Training her was easy. Now I will tell you how I did it.

Animal trainers have known for years that the best behaviors to train are behaviors the animal engages in naturally. Obviously a dog will pee or poop in the yard if it needs to, regardless of training. It's YOUR job to associate a command with the action. So… when your dog DOES get around to peeing, say in your "command voice" to your dog, "GO PEE!". At first, this will distract the dog. In time though, it won't and he will associate the command with the action. When he has done so, he will know that when you say "Go pee", that his expected command is to empty his bladder. Don't underestimate the value of a Milkbone™ treat as a reward for acting on your command. Train the dog to poo on command in the same manner. For Shelby I say "GO POO!" It works like a verbal laxative. One moment she's sniffing a chunk of dried out old poo with white glazing to see what she ate three weeks ago last Tuesday (Hint: it was kibble…just like the other pile) The next moment, She hears the command "GO POO" and she pushes out another back yard mold collector. It's really that simple.

While this article obviously was presented with some entertainment value held in consideration, the fact is that the most valuable thing I ever taught my dog was how to pee and poop on command. It has saved me countless frustrations and I am nearly ALWAYS on time. Try it. Your animal deserves to understand you. After all, you owe him for all the warmed feet and cuddles that cheer you up after a dismal day.