Teacher Sniffs Expo Markers and Likes It

I get bored very easily. If I were any younger (like 29) I would likely be prescribed Ritalin (truck drivers who stay up all night call it The Crank). Ritalin-for those who do not need it-is equivalent to speed. I may need it, however, since I have an attention span equivalent to something really small (like Vermont). As a teacher and a coach, this is both a good and a bad thing.

Having a short attention span is good because I lose interest at precisely the same time my students do (when the bell rings at the start of class). In order to combat my boredom I sniff markers, tell scary stories, and sniff more markers. Students enjoy this more than me telling them about the symbolism of springtime in literature. (There is none, by the way. Authors simply mean to state that it's Spring). Plus I get a slight buzz, so it all works out.

According to doctors who study brains (these people likely did not have teachers with short attention spans), having a short attention span is similar to having a bad short term memory. This is good because I quickly forget about all the students who frustrate me when they text, sleep, or talk to their friends while I am attempting to sniff my markers.

I am serious, and scowl a lot. I am an important person who wears sunglasses, and who stands with my hands on my hips. I am a coach. But even when coaching I get bored easily as well. This can be good. For instance I invent innovative workouts that make running fun. Like instead of having my athletes (and me) run aimlessly for miles and miles-I instead throw Frisbees and have them chase it down like the dogs they are. In fact, the workout is called Rogue-Runs (in honor of my dog-with whom I also play Frisbee fetch with).

After years of experience, I have discovered that students like teachers who sniff markers, and athletes like coaches who throw Frisbees at their face. This is great for teachers seeking admiration and adoration. But this is bad for the students seeking an education (luckily, there aren't many of those).

As a result of a short attention span from a teacher, students learn very little (especially if the teacher is rip-roaring high from Expo marker fumes). When they eventually do go on to college, they really believe that paragraphs should be sentence, and that leads are thesis statements. When my athletes go to run for college programs they quit when they realize they actually have to run because college coaches won't throw Frisbees for them to chase.

In other words, teachers like me (ones with short attention spans and no prescribed Ritalin) do not prepare students or athletes for life or athletics outside of high school. I may make 80 minutes feel like 64, but at the end of the class students will be scratching their heads saying, "Wow, we learned shit today."

And that's the type of educator I strive to be. Waddle on.