Teaching Your Child to Be a Winner

How far should you push your children to succeed? There are so many things wrong with that question. First is the whole concept of success.

Years ago, I decided to ask a bunch of celebrities and average Joes alike how they defined success...and then to tell me if they considered themselves successful judging by their own standards.

The late James Michener, www.achievement.org/autodoc/page/mic0bio-1, author of such works as South Pacific, answered in a way that still sticks in my mind. He said: I'm 60 years old, and I've never been in prison or an insane asylum. I think that makes me a success. How's that for a practical answer?

My cousin Dennis is a big-deal in real estate these days. At the last holiday gathering, Dennis was speaking about how his initial plan was to go to Clown College (www.ringling.com/TextContent.aspx.) It's tougher to get into Clown College than it is to get into many real colleges, by the way. His eyes lit up, as his mom and dad listened in. Dennis is a funny guy, and he lightens up a room. Would he be any less successful had he followed that dream and entered Clown College? By the look on the faces of the relatives, that would be a resounding "no." Dennis is a success because he's a good, decent guy, and we adore him. The rest is just window dressing.

Both of my children wanted to be stand-up comedians when they were younger. Today, one is an accountant, the other on the way to becoming a lawyer. There have been some twists and turns in between for both. I think they're both successful for a multitude of reasons.

Now, that I've tossed around that concept of success a bit, lets get to that real question.

Lead, encourage, support, lend a hand to...HELP your child succeed. No pushing. Mules don't like pushing. What would make you think a child would respond to it any better?

Even if the "push" premise were legitimate for the short term, pushing won't work as a lifetime strategy. You will not be there to "push your child to succeed forever. The drive to do good things has to come from within. That's what you teach your children.

My son Ryan taught me something just as important when we started discussing this concept. We've lived in two estates over the years, and now I have downsized considerably---not entirely of my own free will. As my son started taking out loans and picking up extra work shifts to pay for college, I felt heartsick.

One day I was lamenting aloud to him how I felt horrible about not being able to take the load off of him during his college years. He told me he had just finished reading a book that alluded to The Art of War www.chinapage.com/sunzi-e.html. The concept (push, if you will) on how to succeed was presented to my son by a General. Basically the General said that if you want your armies to fight for all they are worth, always put their (collective) back against a river. They would have no choice but to move forward.

Ryan told me the fact that he had to work for what he got in college actually was the better thing. (Same thing my parents believe and told me, to be honest.) In high school, my son lost homework assignments or flat out didn't complete this one or that one. He sometimes missed days he could have been there, not fighting through illnesses.

Not so in college, he told me. He's never missed a day or an assignment. He's in the 94^th percentile of his very elite private college.

The indomitable human spirit you show your child is the very thing that will propel him forward. Whether or not he becomes a success is totally up to him and his own definition of success after that.