Teaching Your Children to Ask, Not Want

"I want to go outside.""I want more pancakes." "I want to wear a different jacket." "I want turkey instead of ham." "I want to go to the playground." "I want . . . I want . . . I want . . ." Had enough? Good. Now let's do something about it.

But first we need a little context for this dilemma. We come out of the womb focused solely on self. Babies are a composite of needs and wants combined in such a fashion that it is impossible to distinguish the two. All newborn babies' "requests" should be treated as needs - this serves to form healthy, trusting attachments and gives them a sense of security and safety in an otherwise startling world. The problem is that when our precious little ones start talking, we are so thrilled that they are able to express themselves with words rather than grunts and a pointed finger, we miss an early opportunity to encourage submission and an understanding of authority and their place in the world. They are not the center of the universe and we can communicate that to them by how we teach them to communicate. Because this obsession with self is in everyone (no, it's not just your kid), it needs to be trained out of them. This won't be just a lesson in semantics, but rather a lesson that will get to the heart of the issue."

Model. If you want to eliminate this phrase, you can't use it yourself. Sounds simple enough, but you will realize that it is hard to do. Instead of asking, "Do you want more pasta?" say, "Would you like more pasta?" Okay, now you think I am really grasping at straws, but think about it. If you live in an environment where everyone is asking you what you want all the time, you will make statements and proclamations using the same language.

Tell them the word "want" is out. Sit down with your kids and tell them that you are going cold turkey on using the word want in your house. If they would like something, they can ask, "May I please have . . ." You can tell them that unless you hear that phrase proceeding their request, your ears will be unable to take in that request. In fact, you will become deaf. Make it a game and have them "test" you. They can ask for something in a variety of ways, but unless they say it as instructed, you go about your business as if the only thing you hear are birds chirping.

Put it into practice. Now comes the hard part. You've decided to tackle this problem. You need to make sure that you and your spouse are on the same page. When your kids wake up, remind them of your discussion about the use of wants. When breakfast time comes and you hear, "I want more juice," you say nothing."Mom. I want more juice." "MOM. I want more juice." Because you are a gracious parent, you make no eye contact but quietly prompt, "May . . . " Your child is hopefully quick to pick up on this hint and will then ask appropriately to which you will gleefully respond. At first, (as long as the request is within reason and acceptable to you) and as much as possible, respond swiftly to the request when asked appropriately. This will serve as a positive reinforcement to their behavior and will help solidify the change that you are seeking. Don't use the prompts more than a few times for older children. Toddlers may need a longer "grace period."

Be comfortable saying 'No." Once you've been using this technique for a while, you will begin to see a dramatic improvement. As a result, you may become hesitant to say "no" to your once demanding barbarians turned Miss Manners. If they ask politely, you may feel compelled to say yes. Don't do it. You can and should say no. Just because it is coated in sugar, doesn't mean the request is sweet all the way through.Why not use it as an opportunity to teach them to wait? If the request is reasonable, you can say, "Yes, but I'll tell you when."

While these tips may not eliminate all the "I wants" in your house, they will help you be well on your way to having a family where manners and humility reign.