Teaching Children Defense Without Compromising Morality

As a child, I never liked fighting. I believed there were ways of getting your point across that didn't include black eyes and busted lips. However, I attended a neighborhood school where many of the children found it cool to paint the quiet kids face's blue-black shades of defeat. I was never one for violence and thought that if I just kept to myself the bullies would leave me to my lonely existence. I was wrong back then and have found that the same types of kids, who caused me great torture in my childhood, have resurfaced in my own children's generation.

As a parent who loves her children more than anything else in the world, my heart breaks any time they suffer. I find myself wishing I could shield them from all of life's common obstacles and discomforts. Yet, I live in a real world with real world problems and know that, no matter how hard I try, I can't catch every tear or break every fall. In fact, one of my greatest fears has always been that my children will face many of the heartaches I have in my lifetime. With that very thought stored up in my brain, I find myself trying to build a world around my children that will cause them as less pain as possible. I have accepted the fact that they will cry but am determined to keep their tears to a minimum. I understand that they will fall, but look for ways to lessen the impact.

However, there are instances where I know they must learn valuable lessons about life, without interference from Mom. Knowing that my sons will grow to be men one day, I know that coddling them too much may make for a really sticky situation. In addition, I don't want to teach my children behavior that compromises there morals. Therefore, when my son comes to me and asks me to teach him how to defend himself against the school bully, I have to choose my words carefully. Although I believe in turning the other cheek, I know there was a time when I didn't…felt I couldn't for fear of beating beaten to a pulp. The devilish side of me (don't pretend we don't all have one) wants to tell him to beat the kid to his bitter end. However, I believe in much more than that.

I know that my answer to my child can leave a lasting impression. I understand that, although my child is riding on pure fear-driven adrenaline, he may be looking for a respectable answer from his mother who encourages killing people with kindness. If I answer inappropriately, my son may no longer respect my advice as his ultimate mentor. All these thoughts consume my mind, as I search for the best response amidst the rubble of retaliation. It's interesting how difficult the question seems to me…someone also bullied as a child.

As I sweep away the impure thoughts that would encourage my child to take on characteristics outside of his own personality, I find myself telling him in some way to make his own decision. I tell him that he holds the key…telling him how one day he will tire of being bullied and will find his own answer. I remember my own story and how, no matter how much advice I was given, I found it hard to fight until I was pushed to my limit. After having my father tell me that he would no longer allow me to come home crying, beaten down by envious hormone-driven children, it was still my battle to fight. If I responded only because of other people's reactions, the battle wouldn't have truly been won.

I got to the point where I refused to allow another kid to degrade me. I deserved to go to school and not have to make my "great escape" out the side door, in order to avoid a solid fist. Because I was quiet and attended to my studies, I should not have had to undergo the torment that I did. One day, I made up in my mind that no bully was going to keep me on the run and I fought until the bitter end. Needless to say, my bully became my best friend.

Though I've never encouraged violence, I imagine that my son will soon come to his own conclusion. He will continue to walk in the footsteps of a once timid Mom who also found it hard to fight. David will find a solution determined only by him. He will not be intimidated, because he's educated. He will understand that turning the cheek is best but sometimes we have to fight in order to protect ourselves. We have to make a stand or be reduced to a fall. The great thing about falling is the ability to rise again with your head held high knowing that you didn't become that which you loathe. He will recognize the difference between protecting oneself and picking a fight with no real purpose. In the end, my son will continue to be the wonderful child he was born to be, only fighting when the battle is his only option.