Teaching Your Children to Be Good Sports

Good sportsmanship is being able to lose with grace and style. Learning that to compete, one must do so with the idea of fun and challenging themselves. We all love to win. There is no one who wants to be the loser on the soccer field or on the basketball court. Part of playing and competing in any competition is realizing you may not always be the winner. Losing is an important aspect of competition because it is through the losses that we learn the most lessons. Children who are bad sports or show bad sportsmanship in competition need more guidance in how to lose gracefully.

Most of us are programmed to desire success. We want to win. Children are no different in this aspect from any adult. The difference is that adults have been taught by teachers, parents, and other mentors that losing can be okay. That losing can provide us with opportunties to learn. We were taught to paste a smile on our face through the disappointment and congratulate the winner. Here is some advice to help teach your child how to become a good sportsman. Do not be discouraged if it doesn't work the first few times, it may take time and gentle coaching from you to remind them of these lessons.

1. Don't Pressure them to Perform a Certain Way

Children are striving to be accepted by the adults they look up to, especially their parents. If the parent is putting pressure or conditions of acceptance on performance in competition, children will take every loss twice as hard. Encourage your child's passions and interests but do not pressure them to win every time. Praise them for their efforts in the competition. Tell them you are proud of them for playing the game well. If you nag or criticize every move the child made during the game, you are telling them, "You have to win to get my approval."Take the time to give them genuine praise for the efforts and let them know you appreciated it. If you feel like they need to improve on certain aspects, now is not the time to have that conversation. Instead tuck it away in the back of your mind. When they go out to practice shooting

hoops that week, go along. Give them some pointers in a helpful way when they are not already feeling down about themselves. If children know that you appreciate and are proud of them, they are able to smile and give a pat on the back to the winner much easier.

2. Mind your Words With Others

"But I never put my child down, they are great! It's the stupid coach's fault for sitting them on the bench."

If this sounds like you, look at what your words are saying to your children. You are saying that they do not have to take responsibility for the loss. They were cheated. Life wasn't fair.

This not only does not encourage them to strive to improve their abilities, this feeds into why they should be angry they lost. Especially if you get vocal or loud with other parents, teams, coaches, or referee's during the competition. If you feel you have a legitimate complaint, approach the person out of earshot of the children. Remain calm and discuss the situation. Accept the final decision. Save the venting of your frustrations for your spouse or best friend. A negative attitude or view on the situation is only going to make your child feel even worse about the loss. Just like you feel a "traveling" rule in basketball has been violated, if you cause a huge scene or embarrass your child you are also teaching them it is okay to be a bad sport.

3. Be a Gracious Loser Yourself

Children learn best through observing adults. Next time that someone else plays better than you at the game, congratulate them. Laugh and show them that it wasn't the win or loss that made the game fun. Try not to let them see your negative reactions. Children watch their parents closely. They want to learn from your behavior how to be a good sport. So show them.

4. Leave the Negativity at Home

While much of this focuses on negative behavior, it is important to remember there are other negative behaviors we haven't discussed. Such as "trash-talking" on the other players, team, coach in front of your child. Even on the ride home your child is listening to everything you say. They are absorbing your reaction to the situation. Don't let them see any negative behaviors. Even if you just lost a bet with your co worker who's child was on the winning little league team, smile and say, "We'll get you next time!"Another thing of interest to add about negativity is make sure that your child's coach or teacher are on the same page about winning and losing as you are. You don't want a coach that belittles the students efforts every time they have a bad day on the field. If you suspect this is going on, talk to the adult. Point out that they are the role model in the children's lives. Ask them to focus more on the positive and less on the negative in the heat of the moment. There is always time to gently correct things later, during practices.

Correcting right after the loss only places blame on the child and impacts their self esteem. If this coach or adult is unreasonable, consider if you really want this type of person as a role model in your child's life. Sometimes, parenting requires tough choices. If the coach is a tyrant to the children, then no matter how much the child loves the sport, are they really in a healthy environment?

5. Focus on the Positive and Fun of the Sport

Focus on the things your child handled well. Praise them for those things. Remind them how much fun it was to play the game. Ask them if they learned anything during the game. Give them an opportunity to tell you what new tricks or tips they observed while they played. Explain life isn't always about winning, that sometimes it is how you play the game. If they went out and played the best they could and showed integrity, let them know they won in your eyes.

6. Correct them for Bad Sportsmanship

No this doesn't mean correct them for every play by play they made during the game. This means when they throw a tantrum because they lost, you can tell them to stop. You can tell them it isn't acceptable to call names at the other team. You can give them a lecture about how to win with style. Do not let it become acceptable to you that they behave negatively. If you let it become appropriate, it is the same as saying it is okay. Yes, you feel bad for your child for losing. No, you shouldn't let this affect the behavior you reprimand. If you were taking the child out for ice cream regardless of the outcome, and they throw a horrible tantrum or embarrass you in front of others, do not reward them with the ice cream. You need to make the values of sportsmanship a priority. Make it an idea you will stand behind and support.

Children show us through their behaviors what they have learned as accepted. If you are accepting their bad behavior because you feel guilty, they will never learn how to lose with a smile. If you pressure them to succeed or risk alienation of your affections, they will feel backed in a corner when they lose. If you badmouth the other players or leaders, they will absorb this and begin to do this as well. If you lose like Tanya Harding at your own competitions, you set the example of bad sportsmanship.

Children are like sponges, they soak up what they are taught. Teach them how to be a good sport early in life and the lesson will last for a lifetime.