Teaching Your Children to Say Good-Bye to a Loved One When They've Passed Away

When it comes to parenting, there is not a golden book that tells you what is right and what is wrong. We work in our beliefs and our own styles of parenting while trying to stay within the boundaries that set for us by society. The hardest thing about parenting that I have ever experienced what teaching my children how to say good-bye. Saying good-bye to a pet that had died or to a relative had passed away. I had my act polished and shined to perfection. My friends and my family thought I was the rock, the shoulder to cry on, and the pillar that held it all together. When the truth was I was the queen on denial. How could I teach my children to say good-bye when I did not know how to say good-bye myself?

By first bout with explaining death to my children was when my oldest hamster died. This one was easy for me because personally I did not like the little rodent. The unsociable little thing had bit me and peed on me for the last time. As my son's heart broke, I explained to him that Hammy went to a better place where hamster could run free and be with their family. I told him that Hammy was in heaven and that he was now in the biggest hamster cage with lots of running wheels and tubes to crawl through. I told him that Hammy was happy and the he would not want him to be sad. This was enough for my 6 year old. As upset as he was if Hammy was happy then he would try to be too.

Our next experience hit a lot closer to home when my grandfather died. Now I had two boys to explain death to and teach them how to say good-bye, an 11 year old and a 4 year old. He was like a father to me and took my oldest son everywhere with him. They got haircuts together; he took him roller-skating, or even just out for ice cream. My youngest was just getting to the age where he and my grandfather could do things together. They would mow grass or go for walks in the woods when the oldest was at school. They were just beginning to be buddies like my oldest son and grandfather had been for years.

I got the call late one night after my son was in bed. I could swear my heart stopped and turned to stone as time just stood still. I hung up the phone and my husband looked at me, he knew. He asked if I was ok. I said I was fine. I sat there and looked at the TV as the denial set in. If I denied it, it would not hurt. If I denied it, I would not cry. The next morning came all too quickly when I had to break the news to my boys. As I looked at them, I just started to cry. How could I explain this to them and break their hearts when I was denying it happened so it would not break mine.

As I sat on the floor telling them their grandfather had passed, I realized that I was not only teaching them how to say good-bye but also teaching myself. As I explained that their grandfather was sick (which the already knew) and now was in heaven where he would be healthy and happy. That there would be now more pain for him and that this was the way things were meant to be. That god had bigger plans for their grandfather and wanted him to be free of his illness. I said all the things that the books tell you to say but in the end, those words meant nothing. All my boys knew was that their grandfather was gone and they would never see him again.

It has been three years since that day that I sat on the floor trying to explain death to my boys. Since they have grown older, I can only hope that they have learned to say good-bye in their hearts and their minds.