Teaching Conflict Resolution to Teens Vs. Children

Interview question from a teacher information site

How does teaching conflict resolution to teens differ from teaching it to younger children? Is it easier or harder? Why? What are the unique challenges for teachers of this age group with regard to teaching this skill?

My response

Teaching Conflict Resolution to teens is much more of a challenge than teaching this topic to elementary students as older students wish to please their peers; whereas, younger students wish to please the adults in their life. With elementary school students, you can often influence their behavior choices by using behavior modification strategies such as "I really like the way that Sonya is sitting quietly and using good posture. I really like the way that Billy has decided to line up quietly and quickly." With statements such as those, suddenly, many of the students will feel motivated to sit up straight and to close their mouths or to line up quickly and quietly." Those type statements have little or no effect with middle and high school students as they are much more concerned with turf-building and peer status than they are with the good opinion of their teachers.

Teaching conflict resolution to teens and pre-teens

With teens, the most effective approach I found was to introduce the topic of conflict resolution in this manner: "You already have a tool box of tools that you use, so to speak, when you are facing conflict situations with your friends, your classmates, your teachers, your family, and people you encounter in your neighborhood and at the community center. Some of those tools that you currently use may work very well for you. Some of those tools that you use may cause you to get in trouble with your teachers or to get in fights with your boyfriend or girlfriend or your classmates or your family members or with other people that you encounter. This class is going to be about teaching you some additional tools so that should you find yourself in a conflict situation, you'll have more options you can try to work toward an outcome that will keep you out of trouble with others." I found that when you approach middle and high school students in this less pushy, more respectful manner, they are more receptive to the topics you wish to present."

Conflict between father and daughter at neighborhood grocery store

A perfect example of how pre-teens and teens routinely find ways to push against pushy adults is the following. I was walking through a grocery store in Knoxville, Tennessee. I overheard a father trying to coerce his daughter into being willing to try his preferred salad dressing flavor. The more he pushed, the more she resisted.

I would suggest that he would have done much better to simply state, "I personally like this flavor of salad dressing. Is that a flavor that you think you might like or do you prefer a different flavor?"

Dealing with teens and adults is all about saving face. Make a person feel backed into a corner and they are bound to lash out in some manner. Leaving them an out gives both of you more maneuvering room so you both can come out feeling as if your feelings and statements have been truly acknowledged.

Middle school students preparing to do battle

In the seven years I taught in an East Tennessee middle school, I frequently would encounter two students in the hallway practically chest-to-chest, preparing to do battle with words or fists. It was clear that they were absolutely longing for some adult or fellow student to intervene so they could back down without losing face. In order to reach a win-win outcome, it is vital to leave the other person breathing room where they feel free to truly express their preferences without feeling belittled or cornered.

Isaac Newton's third law of motion

As Isaac Newton's third law of motion states, "For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction." Conflict Resolution situations with teens could start with something as simple as being snubbed, being called a name, hearing a false rumor focused on them, or being pushed or hit. In order to save face, the student was bound to react in some manner. Typically, they would react to the negative action with some negative reaction. That negative reaction would then be re-reacted to by another negative action or reaction. The conflict, like ripples in a pond, could spread beyond the two original contenders to friends and family and innocent bystanders.

Conflict Resolution teaching goal

I feel that the goal of any person wishing to teach conflict resolution is to present useful strategies that the students have experienced in a safe classroom setting in the form of listening to target stories, taking part in role-plays and discussion, and 'labbing' conflict situations. Then in those split seconds between the provoking action(s) and the student's reflexive reaction(s), he or she might take a moment to try out a positive strategy to defuse the conflict situation to a WIN-WIN outcome rather than a WIN-LOSE outcome, or a LOSE-LOSE outcome.

For your convenience, click on the following link to print a copy of the 3 Outcomes to Conflict poster display.

Teach your students and children about three responses to conflict It is vitally important that teachers present and teach the three responses to conflict: passive, aggressive, and assertive. The more that students have a chance to be aware of and practice assertive responses to conflict over the more negative passive or aggressive responses, the better chance they have to find a positive alternative to a negative situation.

For your convenience, click on the following link to print a copy of the 3 posters for Passive, Aggressive, & Assertive Responses to Conflict.

For more information on passive, aggressive, and assertive responses to conflict, please read my Associated Content article called "When Attacked by a Bully, Where Do You Fall on the Continuum?"

Resources:

Isaac Newton's Third Law of Motion

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If you have any questions, feel free to contact me at moreduntales@yahoo.com.