Teaching Kids to Lose: Turn a Sore Loser into a Good Sport

The other day, my five year old and I were going to play Candyland. Usually, I yawn at the thought, but we hadn't played in awhile and it was a rare opportunity to slow down and spend time together. I was quite chagrined when 5 minutes into the game, she refused to stay stuck on the licorice stick. When I insisted laughingly, because "that's the rules, honey" she threw a tantrum of such proportions that we put the game away for awhile.

Needless to say, I was a bit worried that I had a really sore loser on my hands and went looking for advice. Here's what I found out from an array of parenting experts.

Toddlers and preschoolers are more prone to throwing tantrums when they lose because they lack words to express the intense frustration they sometimes feel. So a certain amount of sore loser behavior is developmentally appropriate. By kindergarten age, this type of reaction should be changing into a give-and-take way of playing games.

It's important to help your children learn how to lose. For some children, not winning or not getting to play what they want is a signal to stomp off in a huff, or even turn over a board game in anger. And while in the toddler and preschool years, frustration is expected, in later years, this attitude can really harm their social standing. A sore loser just isn't going to have a whole lot of friends.

Some children, by temperament, seem destined to be sore losers. These are the babies that were easily upset. As toddlers, they were more anxious about situations that their peers took casually. But even these sensitive children can learn that losing is just a part of having fun. Here are some ways to help.

Model. Children watch how their parents handle upsets and frustrations. How you handle the stresses of your life sends a huge message to your kids.

Name it. Naming emotions goes a long way to defusing their power. Teach even your toddlers the "feeling" words: angry, upset, frustrated, sad. Tell them it is okay to be angry but no one wins all the time.

Lose once in awhile yourself. Make sure that you lose (and your child wins) every now and then. Act upset but philosophical: "Shoot, I was really wanting to win. Oh well, next time, I'll get you."

Be careful of the messages you send. We want our children to do well and to win. But emphasizing this message, even subtly, can make some children feel that winning equals love.

Talk about sports teams. You may want to point out a favorite sport team that lost, or a tennis player that lost a match to a child who is a little older and enjoys sports. Talk about how they probably felt when they lost, and what they will do (ie., practice harder) to win next time.

Help them feel powerful. It is frustrating to try and try something new when you aren't good at it. If your five year old strikes out again for what seems the hundredth time and throws his bat, stomps off and says he'll never play again, it's normal. Encourage them to get better at the game by casually pointing out strategies they may have missed.

Ironically, most experts agree that eliminating competition is not healthy. Competition gives a sense of purpose and can help kids learn resilience. Losing is a fact of life, and a child understands that on some level. Letting him win all the time is sending a message that he can't handle losing.

Stopping the game when a tantrum occurs is okay. But it's not the best strategy for dealing with sore loser syndrome. Helping your child to develop the skills to control the outbursts of anger and frustration has more long-term success.

I'm pretty sure my daughter was just having a bad day that afternoon. And she is one of those children more easily frustrated. But at least I have some strategies for helping her to develop losing skills.