Teaching Kids to Say No

We've all heard an exchange like the one above, and as parents and educators many of us will cringe just from thinking about it. The friendship card gets played a lot with kids around the age of seven or eight, especially with girls. And later on, it's not uncommon for boys to use a similar tactic with their girlfriends in order to convince the girl to do something she isn't comfortable with. Friends should respect each other, and that goes double when it comes to the romantic relationships that develop in adolescence and early adulthood. Respect means that when a friend says no, they shouldn't be made to feel guilty about it and they shouldn't have to repeat themselves.

Kids need to be told no
As parents and educators, it's important for us to say no to kids when the stakes are low. They need to get used to being refused sometimes. If they always get what they want, they won't know how to accept a refusal gracefully. We can offer alternatives or compromises, and we should be open to a certain amount of negotiation, as long as it's teaching kids to work together to find a solution that works for everyone. But every once in a while, the answer really is "no," and kids need to learn that when it's said it should be respected.

Discipline that helps kids grow
Punishment of any kind - corporal or non-corporal - can backfire on us. If we teach kids to do something to avoid punishment or to earn a reward, we are keeping them at that toddler level of morality. This is why many parents prefer to use natural consequences instead. A consequence flows naturally from the initial act. It is not arbitrary, it is not imposed by a parent or teacher, it is the effect that naturally follows the cause. If we eat all the cookies at snack time, there aren't any left for after supper. If we don't go to bed on time we'll have a hard time waking up in the morning. If we break a toy, we may have to do without it because Mom and Dad have other expenses and can't afford to replace it at the moment. Using natural consequences, and explaining the "why' behind important rules takes away some of the randomness in life. It can help kids learn to behave, but it also helps them reach beyond that toddler mentality towards a more evolved sense of morality as they grow older.

Adults need to teach kids to say no
Teaching kids to refuse firmly is important. This is a skill that has to be taught in college classes, and in management workshops for full grown adults - because so many of us were taught to get along, and to try hard to please everyone, all the time. Trying to please others because it makes us feel good to see them happy is a wonderful thing, but trying to please because it gets us something or helps us avoid punishment is actually behaving at the level of a toddler. We want our kids to grow beyond that level of maturity!

Similarly, parents and teachers need to listen to kids when they say no. Respect that maybe they don't want to be hugged and kissed in front of their friends at school, or that they feel uncomfortable sitting at the dinner table next to Great Aunt Ida who picks her teeth with her fingernails between courses. Sometimes things just have to get done, even if we don't want to. If we're sick and we don't take our medicine, we probably won't get better. If we don't do our school work we won't learn, and if we don't do our chores we'll soon be living in a messy house. These things are not necessarily negotiable.

But we can still listen to our kids' feelings about medicine and homework and chores. We can validate them, and we can let them see that sometimes we don't feel like doing the things we have to do for our survival. We find reasons to do them, like earning that pay cheque so we can go on fun activities with the family, or tidying up the basement so we can have a slumber party. Or maybe we go through a lot of hard work to redecorate a room, because we know it will please somebody we love. These are all good reasons to deny ourselves immediate gratification, because we know that later we will have an even greater pleasure that we can share with people we care about. This is very different from buckling under because of a threat, or to be popular.

Kids need to see us saying no to others
Kids learn by watching us, so it's important for them to hear us refuse firmly and politely. If Mom is stretching herself too thin because she can't say no, this is what the kids will learn to do too. Better to say, "I'm all booked up this week, but I'd be glad to help next time," than to run yourself ragged because you couldn't say no to a good cause. Better to suggest someone else that you know wants to get involved, than to accept every time the classroom teacher needs a chaperone or a parent to run the bake sale. This teaches kids to let others shine, too, and it shows them that the sky won't fall in if they say no to someone who is important to them.

Kids sometimes need our support when saying no to friends
We can help kids prepare for saying no to their friends in a number of ways. Teachers and youth leaders can use role playing to give kids practice saying no to things that make them feel uncomfortable. Parents can teach kids to delay replying to a request and later make a refusal in front of an adult witness, to reduce the possibility of attempted rebuttals. Janie could tell Julie she'll think about it, then invite her to the kitchen for milk and cookies. "Mom, Julie thinks the bracelet Grammy and Granddad gave me is really pretty," she can tell her mother in front of her friend. She wanted to borrow it, but I think maybe I'll lend her my yellow one instead." "That's a good compromise, Janie," Mom can reply. "Julie, if you like I can find out where the bracelet was bought. Maybe you can ask for one like it, for your birthday or Christmas."

Parents can also monitor younger kids when they play, and step in if they hear any threats or attempts at manipulation. This works well when a number of parents all agree to intervene if this happens when their kids play together. They can support one another by having a consistent strategy for dealing with these situations, and by later talking about the situation at home with their own kids. This might be a good topic to broach at parent-teacher interview, or with your PTA, as well. If classroom teachers and parents respond in similar ways to instances of manipulation, and if they support one another in encouraging kids to refuse firmly but politely when they need to, kids will benefit and discipline will become easier both at home and at school. It does take some effort initially, but the payoff is a big one.

Sources:
Rosemary V. Barnett and Sally Moore, "Helping teens answer the question "Who am I?": Moral development in adolescents." University of Florida IFAS Extension

Holly Bennett, "Manipulative friends." Today's Parent

"Consequences." EQI.com

Nancy Samalin, "Help your kids build the right kind of friendships with the right kind of kids." Bottom Line