Teaching Manners to Your Children

Business etiquette coaching and consulting is big business nowadays. Part of the reason is the changing world and diverse cultures working together for the first time. Another reason is new technology (think Blackberrys or Ipods). We aren't quite sure how these new toys fit into a respectful business environment sometimes. And another reason is that parents forgot to teach basic manners to their children.

In some cases, parents even pass on a message that manners are boring, old fashioned, a waste of time, or only to be used on people who can assist you in some way. A school of thought arose in the 1960's that manners were oppressive. I still hear a lot of parents refuse to teach their children to call adults "Mr." or "Mrs." or "Miss" as we use here in the South for any adult female.

I have two girls under five years old. I want them to grow up with a basic understanding of etiquette and manners without having to send them to military or charm school. I, like most parents, would like them to be polite and respectful without turning mealtimes into battlegrounds.

Merriam-Webster defines manners as "social conduct or rules of conduct as shown in the prevalent customs." But we really don't need to hire a descendant of Emily Post or hire a local version of Miss Manners to help our children to be successful in most social or business situations.

According to a wide variety of parenting, business consulting , and etiquette experts, guess what is the number one way to teach respect and manners? By modeling proper manners, that's how. So often, we forget to use basic, everyday manners in our lives with our children. We are in a hurry; they are dawdling; our minds are on other things, like work; they are just kids; and so on.

Children learn best by imitating a loved caretaker. So, if courtesy is used in their environment, your children will act accordingly. However, you will probably need to remind your children of the little "rules" of etiquette many, many times.

A toddler can say "please" and "thank you". But you may have to remind him, or say the words for him, over and over and over until it becomes an established part of his vocabulary. An older preschool child will have to be reminded to wait his turn, to hold the door for someone, to ask before touching interesting items in someone else's home, and to wait before interrupting.

You can teach your child how to properly introduce themselves by kindergarten. You can use the lesson of teaching them their full name to give them a script for introductions. Children think it is fun to play games with you, so model this behavior for them. Pretend you are meeting their favorite TV characters for the first time. Stick out your hand, state your name, shake hands, and ask the child to say his name, or the character's name. In our house, that would probably be one of the Backyardigans, but you get the point.

In my opinion, table manners are best left alone until about age three. Until then, include the baby or toddler in the meal, but let her down when she's had enough of sitting still. Toddlers aren't ready for a 45 minute mealtime anyway. By including them at the table, though, you are introducing the idea that eating is a social event. By age three or four, your child can ask to be excused; can ask for foods to be passed to him; can use a napkin (with a little help); and generally can use a spoon and fork. Additional rules like "elbows off the table" or "chew with your mouth closed" should just be modeled at this point. These things can be gently corrected when your child is in elementary school.

You can teach your kindergarten or elementary age child how to answer the phone properly; how to interact with new adults in their lives; how to treat new playmates; how to write and send thank you notes; and how to behave at a party by playing games. Children love to play, and they love to play with their parents. So, act it out for them. Let yourself be the child, and let your child critique you. You will be surprised at how much they have absorbed.

Learning manners is basically a lesson in empathy. Take opportunities to talk about how someone else might be feeling: sad that someone took their toy; excited to meet someone new; nervous about eating in a new restaurant, and so on. And you know what teaches faster than all the lectures in the world? Notice when your child uses good manners, and comment on it. For instance, "I saw that you held the door open so your little sister could come out. Thank you for using your manners!"

Good manners can be summed up in the Golden Rule, first spoken by Jesus: "Do unto others as you would have them do unto you." That's social etiquette in a nutshell. The rest of it is details, and you have years to teach them to your child.