Teaching Manners to Children

Teaching manners to children used to be the domain of parents and grandparents and a subject taught primarily at home. Today however the lack of visible manners, common courtesy and general respect for people and property gives clear evidence that either parents aren't doing their job or they themselves were never taught polite behavior to begin with. In either case we seem to move on as a nation decade after decade with visibly deteriorating civility. It is really no wonder that people actually listen to so much of the hate filled rhetoric that is part of our national conversation. It never occurs to many people that the words, the tone and the meaning step across bounds of what is thoughtful, courteous discussion. Teaching manners to children is the first step to reforming our adult population, at least in the next generation.

So who does this necessary teaching if parents aren't always around or capable of completing the task. A few options come to mind. Polite, courteous behavior isn't an academic subject that will get you into an Ivy League school but it is a subject, that if taught and consistently demonstrated in schools both public and private could make a huge difference in the way children see the world from a very early age. There doesn't even need to be a formal mention of "manners" as a curriculum topic. But there can be an informal agreement among teachers and staff to insist on a certain level of polite, not just non-violent, behavior. That informal agreement could extend not just to supervising the way kids treat one another and teachers but also to the level of respect teachers show fellow staff members and the children they teach.

The fact is kids spend a good 6 hours in the care of the schools each day. They have more interaction with adults in school than perhaps any other place in the community. As a former teacher, I recognize and appreciate the load that teachers already carry, but teaching with a presumption of respect really doesn't need to add to the academic preparation each teacher already needs to complete. What makes teaching with respect work is when it is done consistently throughout a school and a school system. When children are repeatedly reminded to say simple words like "Please", "Thank you", "Excuse Me" or "May I " the level of conversation and overall behavior takes a tiny step forward. When mean, bullying, or otherwise inappropriate language is a cause for adult disapproval and serious disciplinary action, the entire community benefits.

The classroom is not the only place where a preference for civility needs to be displayed. The athletic field, the gym, school organized clubs, church youth groups, public libraries, Boys and Girls clubs any place where young people congregate with adults is an appropriate spot to make strides in teaching manners to children. The example that is set by adults in their own conversations and in the way they talk to and with young people has a huge impact on young minds and youthful actions.

There is of course also the adult community at large. No one wants to be the "Manners Marshal" but neither does anyone like to be victimized by young people who are rude, vulgar and disrespectful. Children do learn to question and amend their own behavior when they see adults who act towards them and towards other adults with care, concern even compassion.

When she was still first lady of the United States, now Sec. of State Hillary Clinton wrote a book entitled It "Takes a Village". In terms of improving the present level of civility and mutual respect shown among young people her thesis seems appropriate and correct. Teaching good manners may still begin in the home, but when so many homes are so fractured, distracted and alienated there is likely much that the surrounding adult society can and should do to help families raise well mannered, caring and yes, even kind children who as adults might change the fractious fabric of American life.