Teaching Tolerance

Whether we like it or not, our children pick up our habits and our viewpoints. This can be both a blessing and a curse. Almost everyone has experienced or witnessed a child repeating something a parent said, while the parent stands there looking mortified. You can probably remember an incident when you repeated something your parents said, while in an inappropriate situation.

It's more than these funny/embarrassing situations. The philosophy your child develops is intertwined with yours. As the child becomes exposed to other children and adults they assimilate information through the lens you've helped to create. Also, they adjust their views and behavior based on the reactions they evoke from adults and other kids.

Tolerance is kind of an odd word choice for treating other people with respect. Generally, if you tolerate something you don't particularly care for it. You deal with something out of necessity, yet you'd probably rather avoid dealing with it all together. Things you tolerate might include going to the dentist or having your blood drawn.

However, when I talk about teaching tolerance to kids, I basically mean the same thing; you don't have to like all people, but you do have to tolerate them. Well, technically you don't have to tolerate them, which is where the problems arise.

Most people would agree that it is not okay to make fun of people who have to use wheelchairs. Staring at them is considered impolite. If a child asks the person why they are in the chair, most parents will apologize and rush the child away before they can ask any more questions.

I'm not saying that this is the wrong thing to do, but there are other possibilities. One possibility, which isn't a very good choice, is to tell the child the person is "crippled". Or an adult might make a smart aleck remark or joke about people who use wheelchairs out of the hearing range of the person. When an adult does this, the child senses that it is okay to ridicule people who use wheelchairs.

In that example, either the parent thinks the child won't pick up on their remarks, they don't care if the child hears them, or they just don't think about the effects their words have at all. At one extreme, we have very politically correct policies and nomenclature; at the other extreme we have people who don't respect any one that is different from them.

Racism is learned in a similar way. Certainly, children pick up the fact that different races exist. They don't necessarily associate good or bad things with those differences though. Sometimes fear or anxiety may be felt, as new people and different people can be frightening to young children. However, learning that all people of a certain race are lazy, stupid, or not to be trusted is learned from watching and hearing parents and other adults.

I grew up in pretty much an exclusively white rural area. I learned very racist ideas and names, and I didn't think a thing about my views until I reached the age of 11 or 12. I began to read more varied literature and open my mind to the possibility that all people really aren't that different from one another. I didn't need to be afraid of people from different races; they were no more likely to rob me or hit me than another white person. Looking back, these ideas and views seem absurd. I am embarrassed that I ever thought those things. However, I learned from the adults around me as well as my peers in school, who apparently had families that were just as close-minded as my own.

As a parent, I face many difficult situations with my daughters, who both have moderate to severe autism. I wish parents would be tolerant and set a good example for their children. Often young children will approach my daughters and me and ask why they are doing something odd, like flapping their hands or squealing loudly. I just explain that they have autism and that they just do these things sometimes, especially when they are nervous or excited. Kids tend to accept that explanation and be satisfied.

Some kids will just stare or make faces of confusion or scorn. Generally, it's the parents and adults who cause the problems.

Once, one of my daughters decided she didn't want to leave the store, so she plopped down in the foyer of the exit, next to the candy machines. My other daughter was trying to head out the exit for the car. Since they can't navigate through a parking lot alone, I had to haul her back in and try to get my other daughter off the floor. Since we were in the exit foyer we were taking up room, which made the area for customers exiting a bit narrow. I was scolding, tugging, bribing, trying anything I could to get my daughter off the floor. I was embarrassed and depressed. I apologized for being in the way to people who passed by us. Then came the icing on my bad mood cake: a mother, father, and child (probably around 8-10 years old) pointed at us and laugh as they walked past. It wasn't a nice laugh (if there could be such a thing in this situation). I was so furious that I wanted to curse at them, but I knew that wasn't a good idea.

Finally, I got both girls to the car and went home. I felt awful. I was exhausted, angry, sad, and filled with a feeling of hopelessness.

The act of being ridiculed by people another family was very upsetting. I'll probably never see these people again (or recognize them if I do see them). Still, it hurt. I think all people are valuable and important. Even the people who are ignorant and share their rude views with their children. I'm ignorant at times; I accept that. I try to learn and be caring towards other people. I don't portend that I am better than that family; however I am more tolerant (at least in one respect).

That family could have just walked past and done nothing. They could have waited until they were past us to laugh or make some snide comment. They could have offered to help or ask if we were okay. Instead, they decided to point and laugh, with their child joining in.

In the future, if that child sees someone doing something odd or who looks or acts differently, how do you think he is going to respond? Do you think he might bully other kids at school for being different? Do you think he's going to stand by and watch as other kids are bullied? Or do you think he will be tolerant of kids different than him or tell an adult about kids being bullied. I'm guessing he's probably going to do the former. His parents have taught him its okay.

Use everyday situations to teach your children tolerance. Choose your words carefully. Just as you wouldn't want your child to use racial slurs, teach them that calling people "retard" is disrespectful. It is the same thing, just applied to a different group of people who were born a certain way. By using retard as an insult you are demeaning people with mental retardation. Using retard as a synonym for words like dumb, stupid, or weird is essentially saying that to be mentally retarded means the person is dumb, stupid, and weird. Just saying, "Oh, I didn't mean it like that," doesn't change anything.

The same applies to calling things "gay". If you use that as an insult, how is it not a negative reflection upon people who are gay?

You have every right to teach your child what you want. However, that child will someday be an adult who has to interact in society with many different types of people. At some point that child has to own up to their opinions and ideas about other people. Teaching tolerance can enable your child to be a positive influence on others. It can also avoid problems at school and in the workplace.

Sometimes the meaning of our words doesn't sink in until they strike a chord close to us. I used to say retard to describe things and people that I thought were stupid. Once I became an adult and had children who have developmental disabilities I realized what an insensitive and ignorant person I had been. I changed because I don't think it is a good philosophy to spread to my children or anyone else I interact with. It's never too late to confront your prejudices and learn tolerance. Our children are better off learning tolerance to begin with, rather than having to unlearn intolerant words and behavior later in life.