Technology Blues

Okay, let's say hypothetically that 1. I'm married to an idiot. While we're doing hypotheticals, lets also include that 2. This idiot is a procrastinating SOB(and if you'd met his mother you'd know that was an accurate portrayal) who conveniently forgets things ----- LIKE PAYING A DAMN BILL.

So in this hypothetical situation, I would be sitting at home and the phone would ring. It would be say SBC (which I'm almost certain is the acronym for Stupid Bubblehead Crazies). I take the call--hubby's at work on a Saturday so NATURALLY this all falls on the sane rational one in the family (for those keeping a score card, uh, that would be me. Anyway, it's the IVR in the mechanized, synthetic voice that I just despise. It's not human. Hopefully in my lifetime, it will not be human and if you want it to sound and behave like a human , here's a grand thought: GET A HUMAN. "Hello, we would like to know if you are ____ or an authorized party for ____. If so press 1. If you are not___ or an authorized party for ___ press 2. If you are an authorized part but you don't want to admit to it, press 3. If you are the person we are calling but don't want to pick up, press 4. " You get the idea. So I press one. Figure I'm safe since I'm married to him. This time, they don't want the last four of the primary account holders SSN. They want the 3 numbers on some obscure portion of the bill that I NEVER LOOK AT BECAUSE I PAY THIS CRAP ONLINE!! (Did I mention that we are PAPERLESS??) So I hope online (a short jaunt considering my family thinks I'm permanently attached to this chair) and go to the site to check the bill. Sure enough it's past due. I decide to make a payment while I'm waiting on the IVR to get part 94 of it's speech. Okay, it won't accept my payment online. No prob, right? I figure I have to go through the automated system because well, why not? So around Option 19 which just happens to be repeat this options OR Press 0 To make a payment now, I press 0. Now I'm in queue with another IVR. This is the payment one. Not the one that informs you that a payment is due. AND it's female this time. So she/it informs me of the balance and asks how much I want to pay. I choose the past due option. She/it says just a moment. Then it comes back and says that it can't take my payment and will transfer me to an agent. YOOOOHOOOO! A live person!!

Ronnie, we'll hypothetically call this one. Says that I can't make a payment online because the bill is past due and that I can't pay with the IVR for the same reason. He's be happy to take my payment. So I'm giving him the information and he tries to slip it past me that there will be a $5.00 charge for him taking the payment. Hold the damn phone! Come again? No, I don't think so. Well that's how it is and we can't wave that. Oh but you can. It's not my fault that your anal retentive IT guys set up your system that they put stupid restrictions on who could pay online or use the IVR. 10 minutes and two supervisors later, there was no resolution. So that's 4 people and two IVRs that I've spoken to so far. Did I mention that when the call from the initial IVR came on Legolas was telling Aragorn that the Orcs were running as if their master had whips on their backs? Probably not. Well by now, Frodo has found Smeagol and is trying to get into Mordor. So one of the supers hangs up on me. I call back. Another IVR. Well I'm wise to their arses and no matter what it asks me I keep repeating agent agent agent agent. Finally get someone in TECH (person #5) who says he can't help because he's in tech and transfers me into the queue for Billing. Grima Wormtoungue has the hots for Eoewyn. But ooooo doesn't Carl Urban look good carrying his dead cousin?

I'm on hold. I'm still on hold. And I'm holding. Nice music. I'm singing while I'm on hold. OO OO OO I almost missed Jenny (too perky for my taste, but we shall endure even though she sounds like those cheerleaders that you wanted to kick down the bleachers.) PTSD! Okay Jenny wants to read the notes. Perhaps she's not as dumb as the I thought and she IS human--- I think. So now she needs to review. Can I hold? Sure. Comes back tells me that she can either take a payment or put me back in the queue so that I can make a payment, but if she takes the payment, it will be 5 bucks. No, I don't think so. Get me another supervisor. No she won't and SHE HANGS UP. (Definitely human, definitely ex cheerleader. ) The ELVES have fought along side men they have come to honor that alliance. And this little creature of the woodland realm is almost as cute as Legolas. Um Um Um.

Supervisor puts me BACK in the queue for QUICK pay. Go through the procedure. Gets to the pay part. And guess what? Yup you got it, kicks me back to an AGENT. AND I HADNT SAID ANYTHING!!!! So I'm in queue. Thankful that I'm on a cordless because it dawns on me that I've got to pee really bad. Me and SBC are in the bathroom now. I'm a little concerned. What if they come to the phone while I'm getting ready to wipe or flush?? So I sit and wait and wait and wait. Around the time I start to lose feeling in my legs, I hear "If you'd like to make a call, please hang up...." Oh no they didn't!!

My legs are numb, the phone is down to one bar. I call my daughter to help me up. I flush. I leave She rubs my legs until I feel the tingling and then I can move. So I grab my keys, a printed out page of the bill and go to an authorized pay agent where I get a HUMAN who takes my money tells me have a nice day and then goes on to someone else. And technology was supposed to make this easier????????

Oh and what of the hypothetical idiot in the beginning? I'll deal with him when he gets home.