Teen Advice: How to Tell If You're Too Possessive

Teens and possessiveness almost goes hand-in-hand today. One only has to look at the environment teens, and children in general, are being raised in to see problematic situations that culture teens to become possessive. There is a growing epidemic of single parent homes, high divorce rates, and dysfunctional households, often lending to a less stable environment. How can children learn what positive relationships are when the first and most important relationship they have front row seats to is non-existent or broken?

Teens learn what ideals they want in a relationship and how to develop a relationship by watching and absorbing their parents' relationship. So, if the home is broken or the relationship is negative, this will imprint insecurities about relationships on to the mind of the teen. They will not form a "relationship guidance and reference point" to help them formulate their own relationships. What they do learn is that they do not necessarily want what their parents' have, or do not have. Trust clearly becomes an issue, and it is known that a quality relationship is dependent on trust.

These insecurities form the foundation of possessiveness. The teen does not know what they want in a relationship, but they know they have to be in a relationship. Since they may not be able to look to their parents for relationship guidance, they look to their friends who are often misguided themselves. So together with damaged or poorly developed self-esteems, inadequate relationship role models, and a total lack of trust, teen cliques put together their own "relationship guide and reference point", and today, there is a trend amongst teens that has them needing to be in a relationship at all times because it defines them.

Just sit and converse with an average teen about the relationships they get themselves into. Most have nothing in common with the person, but because the person is deemed to be cool, hot, or popular, they gravitate to forming a relationship with that person. There is very little "getting to know you" time before they jump into a relationship. Of course when there is nothing but exterior and surface attraction in the foundation of the relationship, the relationship suffers and ends pretty quickly. However, the teen may not be aware that it was the initial flawed attraction that caved in the relationship; so, they move on very quickly to the next relationship without learning anything from the previous relationship and continue making the same mistakes over and over.

Each relationship they are unsuccessful in stacks up and will compact against their already sensitive insecurities about relationships. Nevertheless, they continue searching, continue being insecure, and building more trust issues, leading them to the point of being possessive in the relationships they do have.

So, how do you know if you are a possessive teen? There are common characteristics that identify the trait of being possessive, and here is a look at the traits:

Having a misguided and misplaced lack of trust in the person you are in a relationship with. In other words, if your boyfriend or girlfriend calls you to break a date because they are not feeling well, do you wish them a speedy recovery or do you stalk their house and call their cellphone every hour to check in on them? This is a definite sign that you are being possessive. Sure, there are some people that lie and break plans because they found something better to do, but if that is a trend in your relationship, you should ditch the relationship. However, if the person you are dating does not lie or break plans to go do something else and you still feel the need to stalk them to make sure they are truly home and sick, then you are engaging in possessive behavior.

Are you clingy and needy? This may not look like a sign of possessiveness, but being clingy and needy are often used as a manipulation tool by those that tend to be possessive. The clingy needy, and often dependent behavior is used to guilt their partner into doing everything they want them to do. In other words, they have their partner jumping through imaginary hoops and have them catering to their every beckoning call.

If you get easily upset by seeing your boyfriend or girlfriend talking to someone of the opposite sex without knowing what the conversation is about, you are being possessive. Taking the time to know the person you are dating should eliminate jealousy because you will learn whether or not they are a flirt, or not genuine in the relationship. Again, if you are dating someone that is known to cheat, known to flirt, known to degrade the relationships they are in, then you should not be in that relationship. But, if the person does not do those negatives, you cannot assume a conversation between them and a person of the opposite sex is anything other than innocent. It could be a discussion about a lesson in a mutual class, but overreacting by getting upset or even approaching them and allowing venomous words to exchange before knowing the nature of their conversation is a definite sign of possessiveness.

When your partner is out with their friends, do you feel the need to try and invite yourself along with them, or make plans with your friends that have you winding up at the same location as your partner? If the answer is yes, you are displaying possessive traits. Every relationship needs time and space to breath. When two people become overly consumed by spending every moment with each other, it suffocates the relationship and can cause it to sour quickly.

Needing to know everything your boyfriend or girlfriend is doing at every moment of every day is also a sign of being possessive. Life is not scripted that way, and life has to be flexible and balanced. Things come up all the time, but if you are the type of person that gets easily upset when your partner is not where they said they were planning to be, or doing what they may have said they wanted to do, you will stifle the relationship. You cannot check up on the person all the time, because it borders on stalking and can become a bit of a turn-off to your partner.

Do you control everything about the relationship? If you feel everything has to be done your way and are easily upset when your partner shows reluctance, it is a symptom of possessiveness. A relationship is based on mutual compatibility and compromise, which means both people have to have an equal amount of input to keep the relationship fairly balanced.

Everything about being a possessive teen reflects issues they have with trusting another person. They need to try and control every aspect of the relationship; because it may be the only element of their life that they feel they have control over. But, it needs to be known that possessive behavior will not correct or eliminate your insecurities and issues with trust---it cements it in to your relationship patterns. Possessive behavior will smother the relationship, so, if you identify the traits, you need to work toward eliminating them.