Teen Love: Giving Healthy Relationship Advice to Your Children

Most of us tend to trivialize teen love and relationships, expecting them to end just as quickly as they begin. We tend to assume that teenagers don't really know what love is, and that the feelings they have aren't the same as those that adults have. We forget, however, what it felt like to be in that place of first love, the heartbreak we encountered, and the lessons that we learned (or didn't learn).

Teen love can be a tricky topic to wrestle as a parent-as our children grow into their identities, and created closer connections with their peers than they do family. This deep peer influence has a deep effect on teenagers, and like it or not, they will tend to act according to their peer social norms rather than those of their parents. This could mean (though does not guarantee) that teenagers could fall into unhealthy behavior patterns-including promiscuous or abusive relationships.

It is important, as a parent, to acknowledge and validate teen love. Rather than brushing it off as something that will pass, open up conversation with your child about what comprises a healthy relationship. This, of course, requires you as a parent to look too at what comprises such a relationship. Understand that your past and current behaviors within a relationship will affect and possibly cause patterns of behavior in your children. Have you relayed the right message about love and relationships to your child?

Considering teen love and talking with your son or daughter about the importance of healthy relationships will allow space for your child to grow and learn, while not falling into damaging behaviors. Ask your child what is important to them in a boyfriend or girlfriend. Ask them why they are attracted to a particular person. This is an opportunity to address what is important in a relationship.

Talk to your child about the structure of relationships, as well as the gender roles within them. Understanding the influence of movies, television shows, and music can help us look at teen love with a critical eye and bring up topics that could be important. This could include the degradation of women in current rap music, which could influence teenage boys to treat girls as little more than sex objects. In the same vein, these messages could cause girls to see this behavior as normal and have a pattern of relationships in which she is being treated poorly and justifies it through media messages.

Even sources as seemingly innocent as fairy tales and Disney movies could have a negative effect on teen love-emphasizing the importance of "getting" the boy or girl, but with no instruction on how to make a relationship work. The subtle message sent from these movies also suggests that girls need a boy, a "Prince Charming" to save them. This cultural narrative could lead to dependent behavior and poor self esteem in girls, as well as an overwhelming amount of pressure on teenage boys. These topics should not be limited to heterosexual relationships. If your teenage son or daughter identifies as homosexual, bisexual, or otherwise, it is just as important to discuss these issues.

Though it may seem intimidating, this open forum on teen love is also an opportunity to talk about safe sexual practices. You may feel uncomfortable discussing sex with your child. Indeed, it has been a taboo subject for the better part of our history. With the alarming rate of teenage pregnancy, however, it is obvious that our teens are having sex-and likely using it in unhealthy ways. Numerous over-sexualized media images can lead teenagers to think about sex in unhealthy ways. So many adults have dysfunctional sexual patterns. It would only make sense that we try to prevent our children form forming the same dangerous patterns.

Teen love also, of course, will involve some amount of heartbreak. It is absolutely essential that we not trivialize these experiences for teenagers, as they are incredible learning experiences. We have all suffered terrible breakups, and would be outraged if someone thought our anguish silly or unimportant. These breakups can be incredibly damaging to the self esteem, so use those opportunities to help your child learn the importance of mourning, and building the strength to move forward.

It is important to appropriately acknowledge teen love and discuss healthy relationship practices with our children, and a great opportunity to tighten the bonds that loosen during those teenage years. Understand this, and your child will learn, grow, and have a much greater chance of finding healthy relationships in the future.