Teen Party: Being a Good Host

Living in a rural community, we have no local theaters, malls, or "teen clubs." When he was little, our son Vince attended a bevy of birthday parties, and of course I hosted his annual event at a variety of venues. About the time he entered eighth grade, we began home schooling for a variety of reasons. Many of our friends counseled us of the dangers of an only child being "sequestered" from his peers at home during the school year. On the contrary, we've found he's been able to maintain strong social bonds with his Class of 2010 students by regularly inviting them to group activities here at home. This year, he engineered his own "Super Bowl Party." I was impressed by his success with his friends. Everyone seemed to have a great time, even when the party "expanded" to include the whole weekend! Vince decided to invite six friends around his Super Bowl-themed party, this past weekend. We've all learned from our mistakes during past events. Not only has he learned what should be avoided, we were surprised at many positive aspects of the various parties over the last 4 years. This article contains a step-by-step approach for young adults and even pre-teens (as well as their parents) for social events with their friends.

1. Work with your parents on an appropriate date, "guest list," and scope of your party. Simply asking to have two dozen or more teens to the house and all the associated mayhem is probably going to earn a big fat "NO!" Start small and prove that you (and your friends) can handle the event in a mature manner. As an example, we hosted an end-of-school party one June and had a problem with uninvited guests. One energetic young girl ended up grabbing a bottle rocket and shooting it at one of Vince's best friends. I was absolutely horrified (although not surprised) by the girl's conduct. We were watching on a remote camera, and the kids came racing up to the house to explain. Two girls showed up, uninvited. The "offender" has a history of problems in and out of school, related to hyperactivity, "show-boating," and simple bad behavior. The thing that surprised us was how the kids took appropriate action. While I treated my son's friend (thankfully, it was just a minor red spot where the small rocket had gotten entangled with her hair,) another party-goer stepped forward and demanded the girls leave immediately. With the legitimate guests (and my husband) behind her, "Hyper-chick" was forced to phone home and her mother returned to remove the two party crashers. Further, we decided the bottle rockets were off-limits for future events.

2. Do not allow any sort of contraband substances and avoid inviting friends who abuse drugs, alcohol, or smokers. Nothing is going to ruin your aspirations for subsequent events like an incident with drunkeness, spaced-out party goers, or your parents "catching" your friends smoking in their home. Look beyond the simple fact that it's illegal. Teens are prone to accidents even when they're sober! Have some respect for your parents and demand appropriate behavior in their home. Promptly expel anyone who violates this cardinal rule. Several of my son's friends (and their older siblings) have run into trouble with the police when a party was "busted." Not only is it expensive with legal proceedings and fines, but your own parents might be formally charged with a crime. When you own your own home or pay rent, you can decide otherwise. Bring this up with your parents and work out how you're going to handle offenders. Luckily for me, my son is very strict with the behavior of his visiting friends. One year, a few of his friends walked across the street in order to smoke cigarettes out behind the woods. Vince was unhappy when they returned, reeking of tobacco. He doesn't even like it when some of our friends come into the kitchen, wearing clothes that smell like cigarettes. Unfortunately for the challengers, they were excluded from future parties. One young man finally gave up smoking, and he worked his way back into Vince's "good graces."

3. Have a plan of events. You don't have to play stupid games, but keep some activities in mind. Balance the indoor and outdoor fun. At our most recent Super Bowl Party, the boys decided to combine a paintball war and video game time in lieu of watching the pre-game festivities. Overall, the paint-ball war worked best to vent out all that energy and excitement. Our big mistake this time was the result of some teen hijinks. The boys decided to venture outside for a snowball fight. While some adult friends stopped in, we missed seeing the snowball fight progress into throwing snowballs at passing cars! The next thing we knew, we had an angry man at our door, yelling about his girlfriend's car being pelted with iceballs. Problems like this happen, and we dealt with it immediately. Once the boys gathered home, they were verbally reprimanded, and directed to write letters of apology. Each teen ended up writing a full page letter, and they all contributed some money for their damage. Yesterday, I mailed all the letters (plus one of my own) to the young man and his girlfriend. Let me tell you, the boys were subdued for the rest of the weekend! As parents, you must realize that your children and their friends will make mistakes. It's important to learn from their mistakes (and your own) during these events. In a group, teens (as well as adults) will often follow the crowd, and perform unexpectedly. This incident showed my son how quickly things can get out of control, and what the consequences. One of the boys didn't even throw any snowballs, and yet in his letter he took equal responsibility for the results.

4. Share the costs. You and your parents will go broke if your try to supply everything. Many times, your friends are more than happy to bring along a 6 pack of their favorite soda and snacks to share. You can divide things up or take a chance on what shows up. For the Super Bowl, even the adult parties tend to be based on snacks. Have some coolers ready with ice for the drinks. Ask your parents for the use of large plastic bowls for party mix, Cheetos, popcorn, and potato or tortilla chips. Be sure to include some sweets like carmel corn, M&M's, or an assortment of miniature candies. I was happy to bake up a couple pans of Rice Krispie treats, which are relatively inexpensive and disappeared quickly. Pizza is a bit more pricey, but often very desirable. With enough planning, you can have plenty of food for the party.

5. Share in the Clean-up. Once again, if your mom (or dad) has to spend several hours picking up, you're probably going to have less luck if you want to host any more parties! Most people will skate on out of any clean-up chores. It's hard, but the best thing is to ensure that things are put away before anyone leaves. If you have early departures, it's important that the soda cans, empty bags, and dishes are disposed of BEFORE people begin leaving. Garbage bags can be "staged" nearby for all the various refuse. One thing we've learned is that paper bags or boxes for cans make it easier to keep them separate. It also helps to rinse out the cans immediately, rather than face a large chore the next morning. We allow our son to keep the money from the Michigan Deposit Law returns, so he's usually rewarded with $5-$10 when the cans are returned. It's much easier to warn people beforehand of expected behavior. Start early, and enforce the rules. If pop is spilled, clean it up immediately--DO NOT try to hide the problem with a throw rug. We've actually been able to change the tide in this regard, and the amount of clean-up for me was minimal after the Super Bowl! This is a huge contrast to our first experiences as party hosts! Learn with the smaller groups, and then your later parties will be much happier for everyone.

6. Share in the Party Set-up. Ask your friends for ideas. Discuss who you're inviting and the theme of the party. Write things on lists, including names of guests, the food being served, the theme of the party, and so on. Venture out and invite new people. A group party is often a very special event and a great reason to get to know a new student in your classes. By not attending public school, Vince hasn't had the same exposure to new people in his year group. Even so, he's been able to meet new friends through the parties he gives. One young man, Matt, moved into Saint Ignace about 2 years ago, when his Coast Guard father transferred from Seattle. Even though they don't have the same "bonding" forum of public school, Matt has become one of Vince's best friends. During a family emergency, we actually hosted Matt for 2 weeks while his step-mother returned to Seattle and his dad was deployed for a military exercise. We ALL regret the fact that Matt and his parents are returning to Washington State in the Spring.