Teenage Girl Has Deep Thought

CHARLOTTESVILLE--Research scientists from the University of Virginia's Social Sciences Department are scrambling to find an explanation for the recent deep thought expressed by a 14 year-old girl. Last Thursday, rescue workers and scientists were called to the home of Bill and Faye Harper of Richmond, Virginia. Faye Harper dialed 9-1-1 at 5:07 p.m. on Thursday when her daughter, Kayleigh-Beth, began speaking in an erratic manner.

Mr. Harper explained how the emergency arose, trying to re-create the scene for reporters gathered in Kayleigh's pink and lavender bedroom. "I was over there between the Zac Efron and Nick Jonas posters, putting up a new mirror for Kayleigh. She wanted me to hurry, but I calmly explained that this mirror, being very large and heavy, needed an anchor to bolt it steadily to the wall." Mr. Harper paused as tears came to his eyes.

Mrs. Harper picked up at that point, patting her husband's hand, "I was walking by the door and I heard Kayleigh stop text-messaging for a moment. Of course, that was the first sign that something might be wrong. But then . . . . . Kayleigh said . . . . I'm sorry -- it just really scared us." Mrs. Harper paused to retrieve a tissue.

Mr. Martin soothed his wife, "It's okay, hon. Kayleigh's going to be just fine." He looked at the group of reporters and continued, "Kayleigh looked up from her phone and said, 'An anchor, huh? Isn't that kind of like a metaphor, or something? Like, we all need something to keep us steady?' By then, the mirror was hung and Kayleigh giggled. Then, she asked me if I thought she looked fat in those jeans."

Mrs. Harper recalled, "I was already on my way to dial 9-1-1 before the mirror was even hung. I tried to remain as calm as possible, even though deep down I knew we might be losing our baby."

Harvey Stokes, Dean of the Social Sciences Dept at UVA was contacted by the Richmond Emergency Medical Response Unit. "I was as shocked as anyone. There hasn't been a single reported case of an event like this in over seventy-two years. Let's face it -- fourteen year-old girls just don't have that many thoughts, much less deep ones."

According to official precinct records, the last time a fourteen year-old girl expressed a deep thought was in 1936 in Kansas City, Missouri. "Matilda Brown," states the report, "was at the dinner table with her family when she said, "Wow, the Depression was like, totally hard, wasn't it?"

Stokes postulates that the historical nature of the election could be the real cause behind the rare occurrence. "It's a theory we've been toying around with awhile called the 'Wave Theory'. Imagine that the election is a tiny pebble and you throw it into a pond. Small ripples of water go out from the pebble and eventually dissipate. What you don't see, however, is that there are even tinier waves, completely invisible to the naked eye, that eventually find their way to a waterfall. From there, the waterfall sends torrents of rushing water down into a larger body. That water is then evaporated by the sun, carried by clouds across the land to the colder climates of the Arctic Circle. When the moisture falls upon the mountains in the form of snow, that original tiny wave, caused by the "election-pebble", can trigger an avalanche. Our "avalanche" is actually Kayleigh's deep thought. Two seemingly-unrelated events can, in actuality, be intimately bound together."

Becky Atwater teaches Honors Algebra at Kayleigh's High School, "Truthfully, if I had to bet on any girl in this school having a deep thought, it would've been Kayleigh. She's a sharp girl. Once, she did a long division problem with almost no help."

The Harpers are proud of their daughter's speedy recovery and attribute it to a healthy eating regiment and daily physical activity: "We require that Kayleigh add Skittles to her meals at least twice a week. We don't think it's good to stick with gum and Diet Coke only. You need to have a little variety. And we've always stressed the importance of exercise. Every day she's required to do 30 minutes of activity."

Kayleigh was asked what her favorite exercises are, demonstrating to reporters the four activities that comprise the entirety of her training, "Well, I twirl my hair like this, and then I shake my pom-poms up in the air like this and say, 'Go Bulldogs!', and, let's see, oh I braid my hair like this, and last but not least, I spin around and around and around until I get dizzy," at which point Kayleigh fell.

Bill and Faye Harper stood arm-in-arm, watching as Kayleigh demonstrated to reporters, "I think we've got our little girl back, honey," Mr. Harper smiled and kissed his wife's forehead.