Teenagers - How to Simplify Your Relationship with Your Teen

A teenager is not a mystery or an enigma, a different species, or even a UFO - although they may seem to be at times when they fly through the house and out the door dressed in items you are not even sure constitute "clothing". They are just humans, humans caught between one chapter of life and another, on the brink of turning the page but still reading the final paragraph.

Parenting experts (suuuurrre!), therapists, doctors, school counselors, books, magazines, mass media - all continuously attempt to mystify then sell you the solution to de-mystify the Teenager. Yes, yes, we have all heard that emotions run rampant when you are a teenager. I attribute this to the fact the emotions have not yet been dampened by life and the responsibilities of life. It is not because teenagers have more emotions, it is simply they have more time for those emotions. Quit your job, retreat from life and you too will find you have more emotions than you remembered, that is if you want to be a hodge-podge emotional mess letting the emotions rule your every waking moment.

When our children are born in many ways we see them as an extension of ourselves. Then one day we watch them play and it hits us..."This is a little human being separate from me!" - A little human with imagination, feelings, quirks, individual expression - a miniature person package with all the ingredients that make up each of us. We feel this great responsibility to teach them and guide them towards a bright future. Sometimes, there is a fine line between teaching and control, especially when our children are older.

No matter how hard you try, every parent still has their own dreams and aspirations for their child. Sometimes, letting go of these are hard to do. But we must if we do not want our child to feel they have disappointed us. Feeling like a failure or a disappointment can harm any relationship, parent/child, friend/friend, lover/lover, even worker/co-worker. Often, a person may react by acting in ways which intensify the disappointment. This doesn't mean it can't be healthy to let someone know they have disappointed us, only to do so without making them feel they have in some way failed. Vocalizing the reality you are disappointed because of your feelings or pre-conceived notions but it is not a "failure" on their part - opens up new communication. This gives the other person an opportunity to analyze their own actions and yourself to analyze your response.

As life invariably marches along, each and every one of us make choices that send us along different paths. Sometimes the path we choose is bad for us and we either recognize this and back track, or we continue waiting to see what is around the next bend or over the next hurdle. But the fact is no one else can direct our footsteps. Only we can. When we are young, our parents teach us the basics. What they give to us will remain with us for the rest of our lives, good, bad, it is all there. How we use what we are given, only we can decide. Someone can give you a sports car but only you can decide if you drive it with reason or irresponsibility.

I have spent many years "rehabilitating" juvenile delinquents. People ask me all the time how I make them do what they are supposed to do. How do I make them behave? How do I make them quit breaking the law? It is simple. I don't make them. I give them the opportunity to make themselves do what they know is right. I do show them how to realize that no person, no memory, nothing can choose their path or their actions except them. I have maintained one philosophy with children. If we give them the basics to develop morals and conscience then no matter what path they choose, they will always come back to the basics they were given. If they were not given these basics while young then you start over just as if they were infants.

There are simple steps to improving your relationship with your teenager. The biggest, most important "secret" to your teenager is very, very simple. Your teenager is your child, and because they are, you want to protect them and keep them safe. There is only one problem with this. A teenager is part child, part adult - as I said - on the brink of turning the page. You have to take care of the child in them - without offending the adult. It is actually easy. All you need to do is think about the things you are saying or doing - would they offend you? How would you react? Take a moment to think about this. Giving your teenager choices and both of you living with the choice they make. Remind them they are making the choice, not you. Emphasizing that the rules of your home may not appeal to them, but there are rules every where in society, at work, on the streets, in schools, every where. Vocalize from one adult to another that you too live with rules you sometimes do not like. I explain to my teenagers that sometimes I don't let them do something (like driving the car at particular moments) because I don't want to let them make my choices for me since I am the one held accountable. Don't hide your finances from your teenager. Give them enough respect to know and understand what you as a family can afford and can not afford. Ask their opinions about expenditures. This gives them a chance to use adult logic and prepares them for the reality of money as they turn the page into adulthood.

And always remember and remind them that loving someone means their feelings, dreams, likes, dislikes, interests - are all important, even if you disagree with them. If you let your child/adult see you as a person and you accept them as one too - your relationship will grow. Nothing can take away the fact they are your child or you are their parent - this will always be your relationship. But what you do now, during their transition can determine how they see this relationship and influence how they develop their own relationships separate from yours.

If you find it hard to accept your teenager is part adult, just remember - this country was built by men and women who were many times no older than 15 and 16! Families who moved across the prairies and mountains of America to start towns, and farms, and give birth to children were headed by what we now call - Teenagers. Adulthood is defined by societies within the laws of man. But the laws of nature still abide. Give no excuse to your teenager because of their age, and give yourself no excuse to offend another human.

Look back to who you were, who you are, and the choices you made along the way. And smile. J Your child will be doing the same some day. Maybe. If they decide. If that is...the path they choose.