Teens and Discipline: A "Not so Common Sense" Approach

Honors student or not, bright or dull, sooner or later the priorities set by nature are not going to be those of the idealistic parent. A bright, normal son or daughter has alot of other things going on besides school and activities...they are becoming adults. The internal clock of human development doesn't take a back seat just because it would be more convenient.

One set of parents have their hearts set on their teen's remaining in an honors program, but he doesn't do the homework, is surly and confrontational. Another set of parents have an average teen who has always listened to their advice and caveats, but now she doesn't do her homework, is surly and confrontational. They stay in their rooms listening to music all the time.

Countless parents spend too much time bombarding their offspring with constant verbal direction and angst. They are just sure the teenager is the same "child" they were when they were 10. Not so....and not a child according the biological events.

The warnings about a bleak future and promises of rewards for good behavior that were perfect motivators for the child, create anxiety in the teen. Not just anxiety about their non-compliance with parental wishes, but anxiety that destroys trust. The teen is savvy enough to know when theyare being manipulated, and if they have any brains, they are insulted by it.

That is how anger develops.

The constant air of verbal disapproval in these circumstances damages trust. Teens need to feel that parents value them because they are their offspring, just the basics. Folks don't manipulate those they value most. They respect their feelings.

Your relationship with your teen, and their relationship with themselves, will determine more about their overall future than the ability to get great grades in an honors program, or preserve a family reputation. Good mental and emotional hygiene with the assurance of the parents not manipulating them for parental goals, will serve better than any attempts to push teens where they will not go. Your teenager is not an extension of you, and is not here to make you look good to the rest of the world. Unrelenting parental aspirations can be death to a healthy adulthood.

It is time to step back, get quiet, and think.

Sit down and figure out what things are necessary for a sane household. Just the basics. Work on those first. Maneuver around those things that are invitations for confrontation. Worry about anything beyond the bare necessities after you have the basics.Remove emotion from discipline.Use a point system, marble jars, or some other external tool that mirrors law enforcement .

Remember the basics.

Cellphones, video games, driver's permits, and stereos are not basics. If your teen's behaviour is not acceptable, meaning disrespectful or flies in the face of household harmony, not personal preferences that involve pink hair, but reflective of society at large such as not respecting property, not doing chores and the like, then remove things from the personal space, which is their bedroom. Every item, including the bed, can be earned back, if need be. There is no law against that.

Your teen can adapt to consequences, which means he or she will adapt when out on their own. You really don't have to worry about their future, it is theirs...not yours. Be sure they are informed of consequences, and stop trying to convince a teen to avoid them. The choices are there, let them choose, even when the choices are a bit stern. This is how a parent demonstrates the willingness to let go, and basic respect.

Once you get a nice, quiet system in place, you have a foundation to work from. You should find stress levels down. You as a parent, will also have made that transition to the letting go phase of your parental journey.

Treating your teenager like a child is no longer appropriate. You need to trust them to be the human beings nature intended. No more, and no less.