Teens and Sex

Teens and sex. The statistics are staggering and parents need to know. Early sexual activity can be deadly and have other serious health consequences. Teen sexual activity also contributes to emotional disorders. Teen sexuality may even impair future abilities to form long-lasting, loving relationships. Despite the serious consequences of teen sexual activity, parents are still not likely to approach their children with sexual options that include abstinence. And if they do, parents rarely cite the many fact-based reasons why abstinence is a good idea. So what is going on between parents and teens regarding sexuality in general and abstinence in particular? This generation of parents, more than any other, is acutely aware of the consequences of the promiscuity sanctioned in the Sixties that was supposed to be "free" as in Free Love. Unfortunately, we learned as a country that sex is never free and that there is a price to be paid, especially when teens begin to have sex. Don't believe it? Ask many of the parents of today's teens. Today's parents of teens grew up in the "free love", often promiscuous atmosphere of the Sixties. And this generation has married later than ever and has a divorce rate of over 50% and often a general dissatisfaction with significant relationships.


Are parents today likely to inform their children about the realities of teen sexuality? Not always. I find that many parents have an 'It was good enough for me so it's good enough for my kids.' attitude about premarital sex. Parents forget that they grew up before the time of AIDS so even if premarital sex was foolish, it was certainly not deadly. Also, once parents, especially moms, are challenged on this issue, they are able to admit that perhaps they could have avoided some unnecessary heartache by remaining abstinent. Many moms looking back with complete honesty at their teen years wish that someone had exposed them to more choices regarding their sexuality. So many moms have had abortions and sexually-transmitted diseases that they are fully aware of the consequences of early sexual activity. Yet, why do they not share the truths they have learned with their children, especially their daughters? For some it is embarrassment, for others it is a sense of hopelessness that a teen in today's world could ever be abstinent. Some of the reluctance to discuss abstinence is due to our culture's prevailing belief that independence and learning from mistakes is a primary value. Other parents are just generally uncomfortable discussing sex with their children and they figure that their kids will figure it out from other sources such as school or television.

Teens are encouraged to be sexually active by our society. Media influences, peer influences and our public schools all seem to promote a "if it feels good, do it" mentality for our teens. Children are constantly bombarded with images of sexuality not only in movies and on television but also in commercial advertising and children's programming. Much of popular music glamorizes the fun parts of sex but makes little mention of the more serious aspects of sexual intercourse and its possible consequences. Unfortunately, teens, with their "It can't happen to me" attitude, found often at this developmental stage, are very vulnerable to such permissive messages. Even worse, many teenagers do not have anyone in their home refuting these messages with healthier choices.

Lately, I have noticed more teens who sporting emblems of pledges of abstinence. When asked, the teens I speak with about abstinence universally express their relief at being able to be celibate. That's right, I found that teens just plain did not know or had never stopped to think that abstinence was even possible. Especially the young women, who had started sexual activity early, sometimes as young as 11 or 12-years old, were so relieved to know that they did not have to continue to be sexually active. Their parents never told them!

Sadly, some had learned early on about the emotional and health dangers of sexual activity. I am sorry about the price that some of them had to pay. From the horrors of having an abortion that they felt they could share with almost no one, a heavy shame that they may bear for the rest of their lives, to diseases such as herpes and AIDS that have no cure, the price of sexual activity for teens can be very high indeed.

Parents need to familiarize themselves with the research to pass it on to their children. Each year 3 million teens contract sexually transmitted diseases (STDS). These diseases can be spread through oral sex, contrary to what most teens seem to think. Gonorrhea of the throat is very unpleasant indeed. Especially Christian teens are using oral sex as what they see as a better moral alternative to intercourse. Other groups of teens are resorting to anal sex to avoid the stigma of pregnancy while at the same time dramatically increasing the likelihood that they will contract AIDS. We should never forget that teens do get AIDS. AIDS still has no cure, leads to death and its numbers are on the upswing among certain groups. A local high school in my area has one of the highest AIDS rates in our state. That is just downright scary.

Sexually-transmitted diseases also contribute to infertility and cervical cancer. Just giving teens the advice to use birth control is not good enough. We know that despite education, teens (and adults also) are not using "protective" birth control as would be expected. That is because the decision to use birth control in the heat of a passionate moment between two hormone-stricken teens involves a host of factors besides knowing how to put a condom on a cucumber! Emotional considerations fear and peer pressure will all influence whether or not a teen uses birth control once they arrive at a moment of sexual intimacy. Education about how to have safe sex is not enough!
And the sex-ed folks have consistently avoided discussing the emotional aspects of sexuality. (Emotions related to sex-what a novel thought!) Teens that have been sexually active are 3 times more likely to become depressed. I can tell you from my experience as a psychiatrist that 9 times out of 10, a teen who tried to commit suicide did so because of some drama related to the opposite sex, usually someone they had been sexually active with previously.

Studies have shown that American parents overwhelmingly want their children to learn about abstinence and to remain celibate through the teen years. But there are forces in American politics and policies that are steadily trying to erode the teaching of abstinence in schools. With data to show what parents desire for their children, who could be against teaching abstinence for teens? From what I can tell the main opponents of abstinence teaching are the mainstream media and groups with a vested interest in the continuing sexual activity of teens (such as Planned Parenthood which provides abortions and birth control to teens.) And parents often do not take a stand to regulate what their children are learning in sex education in school. Sometimes, a parent's desires for their children and what they actually do as parents to help secure the desired outcome do not match. It may not be easy, but parents need to talk frankly with their teens about the serious risks of sex and what the options are. All parents, regardless of religious background, need to talk with teens about sex. Religious parents who feel that premarital sex violates important tenets of their doctrine must be especially vigilant in teaching children moral aspects of abstinence. Even if your children are not in school, they probably socialize with other children who may or may not share your values about sexuality.

What is the best way to talk to teens about sex?
Here are some tips from teens:
--lay out the facts. They want to know that you know what you are talking about.
--be very explicit about your expectations. Not just "Honey, you should think about delaying sex" but "I would like to see you stay celibate until marriage, even if that means that you marry early."
--Do not talk about your own experiences as a teen. This one surprised me. Teens want to be treated as individuals and they want you to address the issues current in their lives.
--Encourage them to seek out like-minded friends and groups
--Emphasize that sexuality talk will be an ongoing dialogue. As you find interesting articles, discuss them. Encourage your teen to do the same.
--Let your teen start a blog about their opinions on sexuality and other important issues. They may find others with similar values.

Take the time to reflect on your own sexual history and evaluate what you want for your children. Let them know what you want from them and keep the lines of communication open always. Finding the courage to talk to your teen about sex may not be easy, but the rewards can be great. And the consequences of not discussing sexual issues with your teens are even greater still. Take some time soon to talk to your teen.