Telemarketers are People Too

Telemarketers. Don't you just love these people? They call and wake you up on Saturday mornings. They call and interrupt that quality time with the family in the evening, always during dinner of course. They call on your private business line at home. You know, the one you give to ALL your business contacts. And they usually all want the same thing. To sell you something. Or to try this at no cost or obligation. Or offer a no-cost review of this or that. I know all of this, because that is also my occupation. It certainly wasn't my job of choice...but it was the best pay in town at the time.

But, these folks are people too. Most are everyday joes just doing a job. They get to sit at a computer and read a script to you when your name pops up. In between calls it's shoot the breeze with your neighbor, sneak out for a smoke and solve a crossword puzzle. Easy money. Right?
Well, yes and no. It really takes a particular personality type to do the job, do it well, without blowing a gasket from the constant abuse and verbal bashing they get over those phones.

We can use my example if you like. I sell insurance. It is mostly accidental death and dismemberment. Occasionally, you might see some accidental injury with accidental death thrown in for good measure. A typical call might go like this. You hear someone say hello in your headphone and you ask to speak to the lead name. Once this person is on the line you launch into your script..or if you are sneaky, you will have written your own script because it will actually sell the product whereas the company approved and lawyer vetted piece of crap they want you to read to your prospective customer has them hanging up seconds after you tell them Who you are, Who you are calling for, the specific division of THAT company you represent and the new name of the new offer that you want to speak to them about.

The call goes something like this : Hi my name is Guy Wire and we are calling on behalf of Who Bought the Farm accidental death insurance company. The purpose of this call is to pull on your heart strings, establish that I am a heck of a nice guy while simultaneously trying to convince you that buying this policy is the very best thing you can do for those you leave behind should you lose your life, and your family loses your income, while you are a fare paying passenger on a public carrier like a national airline or the city bus or a cruise ship or a train or a hot air balloon. We will pay for the first 60 days of coverage for you so you can review this legal document at your home and should something ever happen to you, your family will be very happy that they were in your thoughts when you bought this from us. I just need to transfer you to a licensed agent for validation..please hold while I get that done for you.

And your job is done. It isn't nearly as easy as that of course. This would be one call out of 50. Maybe a hundred. Or more !

So, in my opinion it does indeed take a special type of person to do this kind of work. The abuse factor is the worst. Being cursed out in Arabic. Being cursed in Spanish. Vietnamese. Mandarin. Cantonese...Urdu...and Phonecian...and that's just your co-workers and supervisors...then you get on the PHONES and it all starts again !

There are gatekeepers to deal with. The most incredible liars you will ever find on this planet is a small child told to keep the evil telemarketers at bay. You can hear the little tot asking for instruction from Mommy about what to say...the little girl comes back on the line and tells you, "Mommy says that she's dead. And to hang up the phone and don't bother her no more".

There is the suspicious husband, tells you that HE is her husband and what do YOU want?

There is the caregiver that tells you that so-and-so is a vegetable and that they have the legal right to make any and all decisions.

There are the deaf. Their sole purpose in life seems to be to make you feel rotten when you are forced to hang up on them as they are anxiously asking.."Who's there? Are you trying to sell me something? Speak up dammit !" And why does a deaf person even HAVE a phone?

The illegal immigrant, or to the politically stupid, undocumented aliens, "Bueno?" And you ask for the lead. "Bueno?" You again ask for the lead. This time they hang up...and you log it as a language barrier. The next ( in a long line of.. ) Illegal immigrants, "Bueno?" You ask for the lead. "whos iz calling" After all...you might be the much hated and feared "immigracion". You tell them. "They not heah, You spik Inglis?" You log this as a language barrier.

The Hateful one. You ask for the lead. "Who are you?" You tell them and add for whom you are calling for. "What do you want?" You briefly tell them what you are calling about and again ask for the lead. "What's this all about?" You CAN'T tell this person a darn thing unless you know WHO you are speaking to. You again ask for the lead and say the call and the information must go to the lead. You ask the person if he/she is this lead. They won't tell you. They WILL however be very happy to denounce your personal habits, your family, your moral character..and you STILL don't know who you are speaking with. I have learned to hang up swiftly on anyone who demands information without identifying themselves as the lead or otherwise.

The aggressive one. Wants to know who you are, who you represent, what you want,and before hearing even one answer screams at you to never call again and slams the receiver back into the floor..then the fish bowl..then the table...rattles it around in agitation trying to find the cradle, cussing like Forrest Gump's drill sergeant, finally stalking off with the phone giving that high tonal feedback scream into your ear...cause it aint in that cradle yet.

The Mother. Bless her heart she is just trying to care for her baby. And babies..are SMART. And they are the best possible way ever found to get a telemarketer OFF your phone is 3.97 seconds FLAT ! They answer the phone..you ask for the lead..she says, "Speaking"...and that is about the last word you are going to get out. You see...she is a mom..and baby likes his mom. Baby does NOT like the phone to ring...cause it means mom is going elsewhere. No bottle..no cuddling...no mom smell..baby screams his 400 decibel LUNGS OUT ! So all you moms out there...please..do NOT blame the phone ringing on waking baby up. The sheer thought of YOU not being there scares the pampers right off baby and THAT is why he screams his 400 decibel LUNGS OUT !
Now..that said..the second fastest way to ditch a telemarketing call, ( and many moms have learned that baby resents her leaving..and NOT the phone ringing )is to answer it with baby in arms. Baby is now being held under one arm. Baby doesn't like being held under one arm. Baby likes TWO arms and resents your calling as it adds to the discomfort of diaper rash and teething. Now we have a situation that requires..ultimate patience, perfect verbal pronunciation because baby is now screaming his 400 decibel LUNGS OUT..in your EAR ! You need ultimate patience to "calmly" hangup and the perfect verbal pronunciation to say " WHOA!" in a clear and forceful manner.

The polite one. Listens to everything. Grunts and refuses. Listens to your rebuttal. Grunts and refuses. Waits kindly for you to repeat the 1-800 number JUST in case they have any questions and wish to have them answered...grunts again, flushes the toilet, thanks you for calling and disconnects.

The DNC. Ah yes..the infamous Do Not Call list. The DNC was nothing more than a sop to the masses out of D.C. It's full of holes and is worthless. Lets say you actually believed Billy Joe Bob Leroy ( Bubba )Oswald when he told you that a vote for him would get you fewer telemarketing calls. Here is what Congressman Oswald did NOT tell you. There is indeed a master DNC list. Every company that uses telemarketing to sell, MUST consult that list before placing a persons name in their massive list of names to call. Calling up and having your name and number placed on that list only works for about...30 days. And then...you pay one of your bills. And this is what Bubba did not tell you. The DNC has a clause whereby any telemarketing company will NOT call you, if you are on that list, for at least 18 months...UNLESS...you contact them first. Did you pay a bill this month? You contacted them !
So you get the person on the phone...and they tell you, they are on the DNC...we get loads of these. That DNC is working really good huh?

The Language Barriers. The deceased. The wrong numbers, disconnected numbers, call backs, already called, busy signals, no answers, cell phones, and the list goes on.

Telemarketing isn't for everyone. The turn over rate on any call floor is enormous. They are in constant hiring mode. Most new hires are young guys and girls, their first time jobs. To a great many of them, especially the young guys...THIS is just another kind of school house class. They goof off, play, hit on the girls and are soon gone from our lives because they fail to realize they have entered the real job world. And the girls they were hitting on, they are soon gone as well...primping, applying make-up, fingernail polish and perfume while chewing gum and adjusting that irksome eyebrow piercing, that tongue stud and the fuzz coated belly button ring is just TOO much to expect of a pretty young thing much less wanting her to actually work. "And hey, where are all the guys that were hitting on me?"

One can but laugh, tune out the bitter swearing in ancient Babylonian in our ear..and wonder what other people do for a living.