Television Remakes

There are certain movies, songs and TV programs that should never, under any circumstances, be subjected to a remake. Can you imagine a modern version of 'Casablanca,' 'It's a Wonderful Life?' or Miley Cyrus singing 'Imagine' by John Lennon? Maybe a new take on MASH, with Ashton Kutcher playing Hawkeye? Nasty thoughts, right?

Alas, it has already happened to two of my favorite TV shows, not to mention many great songs from the eighties, and classic films, such as Hitchcock's 'Psycho.' To keep this rant short, I'm going to leave movies and music for another day, and stick to tearing apart the recent versions of 'V' and 'The Prisoner.'

It's almost inevitable--a remake ends up as a tired, overworked, and shallow copy of the original. The characters just don't seem to resonate, the action seems flat, and the effects don't even begin to compensate for that special something, the magic spark created when the idea was born and turned into a classic.

Like a High School version of 'Grease,' or a ballet class rendition of 'The Nutcracker,' remakes are just about watchable, for those who haven't experienced the real thing, that is. They're rarely good though, and it's almost sacrilegious for fans of the original.

Take 'V' for example. This was a television hit when it first came out in the eighties, an exciting story, with a great cast, and although just a tad bit cheesy, a classic all the same. All of us kids loved it. "V" was 'of it's time' if you like.

The plot very briefly -- aliens land on planet earth, claiming friendship, but with global domination on their secret agenda. They claim that mining certain minerals is their objective, when in actuality, they want the world's water. All of it.
When the honeymoon's over, and certain people begin to question their real purpose, things turn ugly. "V" originally for Visitors, now stands for victory. This means victory over the invaders who have declared martial law on earth, and persecute those who stand in their way, especially scientists, the most likely to uncover their true identity. Oh yes, and did I mention they're reptilian? Who can forget the scene where news cameraman, Mike Donovan (the wonderful Beastmaster, Marc Singer), sneaks onto one of the ships and witnesses the visitors devouring rodents? Remember the lump in Diana's throat as she swallows an unfortunate guinea pig whole?

I found the new version terrible, and yes, I'm completely biased. I expected to hate it. How dare they make a remake of one of my favorite shows as a kid? Is there nothing sacred anymore? The thing that irks me most is that huge woman's face bearing down on the earthlings. They accuse the eighties of being campy, but I found that scene simply awful. It reminded me of that big Teletubbies sun/baby face in the sky. What made me switch immediately to another channel though, was the mention of terrorist cells, that really did it for me. Please, not terrorism again. The underlying Nazi allegory in the original version is interesting and it works well. After eight years of the Bush administration, terrorism in movies and TV shows can be a turn off.

I will not be watching any more of the new 'V' -- but I did enjoy seeing the original series again. It brought back many memories...

So now to my real pet peeve, the new adaptation of 'The Prisoner.' The greatest sin in my eyes (apart from the fact they dared remake one of the best and most thought-provoking television programs of all time), was the change of The Village's location, from my homeland, Wales, to a vast desert somewhere.

In the original, the Village was really that, a village. The exteriors were all shot in a place called Portmeirion, in North Wales. Fans of 'The Prisoner,' still visit this Italianite coastal village, designed by Sir Clough Williams-Ellis. The Mediterranean inspired colorful resort, with its strange assortment of architecture and design, the wide beaches and backdrop of estuary and mountains; was the perfect location for the surreal 60's cult classic. The beauty, charm and eccentricity of Portmeirion, seemed to fuel the disorientation and confusion of 'Number 6.'
Why change such a glorious and atmospheric location to a featureless, soulless, modern city in the middle of nowhere?

In the 'real' series, the Prisoner, is a former secret agent, played by Patrick McGoohan, who resigns from his post and mysteriously turns up in a strange seaside village, where everyone has a number, and not a name. Residents are under constant surveillance and cannot leave. The agent is told by village authority that he is 'Number Six' and that they are seeking information about his resignation. He plots his escape and tries to find out all he can about this sinister village...

What I loved about the original series (I watched reruns in the eighties), and what made it a cult classic, along with good writing, incredible acting, location and story; were the opening and closing sequences and the theme music. Unbeatable and unforgettable. I also loved the catch phrase, "I am not a number, I'm a free man," not to mention that famous dialogue between Number Six and his captors:
Number Six: What do you want?
Reply: Information.
Number 6: You won't get it. Whose side are you on?
Reply: That would be telling.
My brothers and I parroted this scene ad nauseum!

However good an actor he is, James Caviezel can never come close to Patrick McGoohan's Number Six. The only redeeming factor of the new series is Ian McKellen, but that doesn't make the show any better. The story doesn't resonate as well, the location isn't as endearing, and most of the acting is weak. I think what's really missing is the atmosphere, that mind spinning, 'am I really losing it?' weirdness, the original succeeded in capturing. Some of the themes were also well ahead of their time--identity theft, mind control, indoctrination and dream manipulation.

I made myself watch the new version, cringing on the sofa, expecting a butchered version of a great TV show--which is a precious commodity in these days of trash entertainment. It wasn't completely awful, but nowhere near good, and I won't be tuning in again. With a big budget, a few talented cast members, and unlimited special effects, they could have done a better job. This offering did no justice at all to The Prisoner. Modernizing the series cheapened it. A remake should never have been attempted.
Please leave the classics alone.
I just can't wait to watch the original series again, I will appreciate it so much more now!