Telling the Truth: Can it Hurt Relationships?

Should we always be truthful with our partner? Couldn't it potentially damage our relationships if we always told the truth? Are there any valuable conclusions that can be made in this regard?

Although there aren't any incontrovertible resolutions to this issue, we can individually assess the potential effects of lying and always telling the truth. In the end, you'll have to make your own decision. In the mean time, you may find it useful to consider the following notions.

What Does Telling the Truth Really Mean?

If we want to know whether the truth can harm relationships, first we have to understand what it actually means to be truthful as well as what it does not mean. We'll start with what it does not mean.

People often think that telling the truth means you have to tell the other person everything that you think. It's easy to see how being truthful in this regard could be damaging to a relationship. Let's face it; we don't always think nice fluffy thoughts about our partner. Revealing all of our unpleasant thoughts and opinions will only hurt the person.

Being truthful does mean that we use careful consideration. Ask yourself, "Is what I am about to say really that important?" Telling someone you don't like their hair, that they don't fold the laundry right, or that their laugh is annoying, is not important. These kinds of statements create hurt feelings and resentment. On the other hand, if your partner is doing something that leaves you feeling hurt, or you are sincerely concerned about another aspect of the relationship, you should be honest and talk to them about it.

The Delivery

It's vital to consider the way we tell the truth. This is often more important than what we are saying. Consider the following two examples. It's the same message, just declared differently:

(a) "I hate it when you talk to me like that!"

(b) "It really hurts my feelings when you say things like that"

There's a big difference in the delivery. One is accusing, defensive, and angry. The other is open, honest, sincere, and it doesn't attack the person, but rather targets their actions. (For more information about how to discuss issues you have with someone's behavior, without blaming him or her, see the link on the left, listed under resources).

It is possible to communicate our feelings without attacking the other person, while maintaining our integrity. There is no need to act like a helpless victim. It's all about making the decision to express our true feelings in a loving and caring way. Every one responds better to this kind of communication. Think about the way you tell the truth. This is where the most damage or good can be done.

What about Lying?

Is lying out of the question, or is it a viable alternative? Consider the following before you make a decision.

Lying can destroy a relationship in an instant. This is evident when a partner cheats. You here people say all the time that what hurt the most wasn't even that the person cheated, but that they lied about it. The trust has been broken and the resulting damage is often irreparable. Clearly, lies like these are harmful.

What about other forms of lying? Say for instance, you are feeling a little down, and you don't really want to talk about it. Your partner asks if everything is alright and you say that it is. Is this kind of lying really that serious? There is nothing wrong with keeping your feelings to yourself, if they are of no consequence to your partner or the relationship. We are not obligated to spill our guts every time we have a fluctuation in mood. On the other hand, if you're upset about something that puts the relationship at stake, it's necessary to talk about it.

Summary

Although there are no rules about telling the truth or lying, it helps to consider some of the things involved. When deciding for yourself whether to tell the truth, remember to ask if what you are about to say is really that important, and think about the way you express the truth.

Keep in mind that, sometimes no matter how lovingly you tell the truth, people will not always receive it kindly. We can't control how other's react to what we say, but we can control the way we say it. So use discernment in your decisions to be truthful, that's the best way to avoid damaging relationships.