Ten Comic Characters Who Should Be Killed Off

In the wake, metaphorically if not literally, of the death of Captain America, I begin to consider some other comic book, comic strip, and cartoon characters who should be killed off for the good of the nation. These are comic characters who have outlived their usefulness or who were simply never useful to begin with. In no particular order, here is my list of ten comic characters who should be killed off.

Heathcliff the Cat. I'm sorry, but there's always really only been room for one rotund orange tabby in the newspaper comic strips. It never really made sense that Heathcliff, a sort of humanized Garfield, was allowed to flourish when he was so inferior. I mean, sure, it's debatable whether Garfield is really funny or not ("That lasagna bit: hilarious!"), but Heathcliff was just a feline juvenile delinquent. I don't care which one came first, Heathcliff is a Garfield wannabe and if he's not dead already, break out the tainted catnip.

Robin from Batman. I mean, really, what does he add to the team? Youthful exuberance? A shoulder to cry on? Red? I think Bruce Wayne has been carrying his "ward" for too long now, and it's time for us to all acknowledge the Batman is a solo act. How to kill him off? Have Batman kick him out, than have him sing "You're Gonna Love Me" from Dreamgirls to Batman, and then, as he's distracted doing that, have the Riddler drill him in the head with a question-mark shaped boomerang. Or, if this has already happened in previous issues of the comic - and it may have- you can always just have one of his utlity belt accessories break when he's scaling a wall. Make it look like an accident, no harm, no foul.

Odie. Speaking of cartoon cats and sidekicks, Odie has been a thorn in Garfield's side for way too long. I'm not trying to be some pro-Garfield lobby here, people, but that dog is just too dumb to be believed. There aren't a lot of good dog comic characters, when you think about it - Snoopy (and Maramduke) not withstanding - but the world would be better without this annoying little nemesis. What would Garfield do with the time not spent being annoyed by Odie? How 'bout more Lasagna? Hilarious!

Moose from Archie. He's big. He's dumb. We get it. Let's move on. As for how he can die? I think it should involve his slamming his head into a brick wall or trying to set himself on fire- anything he might have picked up watching Jackass with Archie and the boys. As for Midge, she can date Reggie. Every girl does eventually. Reggie, you're such a tramp.

Mickey Mouse. I know I will probably get sued by Disney for even mentioning Mickey's name in print, but, really, what is the purpose of this character? He lures people into Disney World for $2000 bucks a family, then he hides so no one can ever find him unless he's in a parade. And what's the point of that? You can't stop a parade and get an autograph. The big-eared rodent also hasn't been in a good film since Fantasia. I mean, come on, why is he still on the payroll? Please, guys, bring out the zippity doo da mousetrap already. Or if you don't want to kill him off, just freeze him like you did his creator.

Zippy (The Pinhead). Oh, Zippy, you're so esoteric, so post-modern, so, so very inspirational. With your truncated words, your colorful clown suit and your big pointy conehead, you have shown us all the strange paradoxes and excesses of 20th and now 21^st century life with wit, compassion and innocence. And now, it is time for you to die. Good bye sweet Zippy, good bye.

Calliou. I have seen many an annoying child TV cartoon character, but I don't think any bugs me quite as much as this little French-Canadian PBS Kids imp. He's like the yuppie, crunchy version of Dennis The Menace. I don't like anything he does, how he talks, how he interacts with his parents, or his name. He should be gone. Gone, I say! And if you don't want to kill off a kid character, just send him off to boarding school. I can live with that.

The Women of Apt 3-G. Margo, LuAnn and Tommie. Started in 1961, apparently, these three career gals are still going strong and, ostensibly, around in circles, since none of them can afford her own apartment yet. Could a story go any slower: day one, guy thinks about asking one of the women out. Day two, he asks her out. Day three, she thinks about saying yes. Day four, she says yes. The women haven't aged. You know why? Because since the start of the strip, they've only actually experienced two weeks of real time. Please, put these melodrama queens out of their misery or at least ship them back to the 60s. And send Blondie and Sally Forth with them.

The Incredible Hulk. I'm sorry, I know he's a comic icon and all, but, in the age of bio weapons, shouldn't we be following a character who's mutated by say, a virus or something, instead of just gamma rays? I mean, probably anyone who owns a microwave is mutated by gamma rays. The whole World Wrestling Entertainment cast is probably mutated by gamma rays. And what about Barry Bonds? Gamma rays. And that's another point: doesn't the Hulk, in a way, promote the use of performance enhancing substances to build bulk? Is that the message we want to send the children? I think it's time Bruce Banner got some kind of antidote, shared it with She-Hulk and lived happily ever after.

Popeye. Popeye is over 70 years old. It's time for this Naval veteran from the Greatest Generation to at the very least retire. Yes, we all like to see him eat his spinach and beat up Bluto or Brutus, but what else does he really do? Talk funny? Lift weights? Loan Wimpy money? Seriously, when it comes to Popeye, I can'ts stands no more. I think it's time the guy hung up his pipe. How to kill him? I'm thinking he got some pre-packaged fresh spinach that hadn't exactly been properly screened for Ecoli...

So, as we all mourn the loss of that great patriot, Captain America, let us turn a hopeful eye to the future where some really, really irritating character, some useless ones, and some that have long since lost their lustre may also be sent to that great comic convention in the sky.