Ten Funny Mitch Hedberg Quotes

Funny quote on arguing with a girlfriend: I got in an argument with a girlfriend inside of a tent. That's a bad place for an argument because then I tried to walk out and had to slam the flap. How are you supposed to express your anger in this situation? Zip it up real quick?

Funny quote about hair: I got my hair highlighted because I felt some strands were more important than others.

Mitch Hedberg quote on dogs: Dogs are forever in the push-up position.

Funny bit on fire exits: I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're going to have to move, you're blocking a fire exit' as though if there was a fire, I wasn't going to run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

Mitch Hedberg quote on picketing: I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Funny stand-up about fishing: On fishing shows they always throw the fish back. They don't want to eat them. They just want to make them late for something. 'Where were you? I got caught. Liar, let me see the inside of your lip.'

Mitch Hedberg on race cars: I want to be a race car passenger. Just a guy who bugs the driver. 'Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Can I put my feet out the window?'

About golf: I played golf. I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying.

Mitch Hedberg on clothes: This shirt is dry clean only, which means it's dirty.

On being hungry: Rice is great when you're hungry, and you want two thousand of something.