Ten Insulting Gifts You Can Give This Christmas

Santa makes a list of who has been naughty or nice. But what about your list? Maybe you have a few people you'd like to insult this holiday season. Here are ten gifts almost guaranteed to send your message of contempt.

1. Feminine Deodorant Spray. Whether the brand is Summer's Eve or FDS, the message is the same. By maligning the intimate hygiene of that special person on your list, the unmistakable conclusion is that you think that they're "a douchebag." (Of course, you could also literally go with the actual douche, but it's harder to wrap.)

2. Miss Manners' Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior. Judith Martin has a wit like no other, and though this book should actually have an honored place on any bookshelf, there's no better way to tell someone that they're rude. (On the other hand, Miss Manners' would say that telling someone that they're rude is rude, but that's really the point of this whole list of insulting gifts.)

3. Wrinkle Cream. Now, the modern woman today might be so bold as to actually put anti-aging creams on her holiday wish list. She might even appreciate getting it. But in your wicked heart of hearts, you can still cackle at the old bag and her sagging jowls. Consider this the stealth insult of holiday gift giving.

4. The Gym Membership. No matter how much someone may actually want a gym membership, you'd have to work hard to avoid the implication that you think the gift recipient is flabby and out of shape. You can really rub their face in it if you include a badly-posed polaroid and suggest they use it as their "before" picture. Even if they thank you profusely, they'll be seething at you inside. Mission accomplished.

5. A Dictionary of Cultural Literacy. Never mind that learning about cultural references is fun, interesting, and useful. The gift recipient will have to love you a lot not to take getting a book like this the wrong way. And what sweeter way to tell someone that they're out-of-touch? This gift screams "Get a Clue!"

6. Anti-Fungal Cream. Sure, you can use this cream for athlete's foot. It's a handy thing to have in any medicine chest. A practical gift. One that cannot help but bring to mind itchy, sweaty private parts. Now there's the holiday spirit.

7. Hair Club for Men Membership. Most bald men know that they're balding and that they should just shave their head and be done with it. But by giving this gift, you can help instill years of insecurity. If you think it's too obvious, go with hair color just for men. If it's an aging woman who is on your naughty list, hair color of any type will do - or you can buy Going Gray, Looking Great! Unless a woman absolutely knows this gift was given in love, it'll be a gift she'll never forget.

8. Diet Books. This is the same principle as the gym membership, but on the cheap. It might help ease the blow if you tell the gift recipient that you tried the book, and it worked for you. But when it really boils down to it, it's a quick and easy way to tell someone they're fat.

9. Fiber. If you're dealing with an anal retentive pain in your butt, perhaps you should consider a nice gift-basket of prunes or flax-seed muffins. No one has to know. But if you want to be more direct about helping someone get more fiber, try a supplement like fiber-sure.

10. Bush Toilet Paper. Do you know one of the 35-38% of Americans who doesn't yet believe Bush is a bumbling failure? If so, this toilet paper is the perfect gift to insult. With Bush's face and witty sayings on every sheet, they'll be sure to feel your contempt with every trip to the potty. But be careful with this one. If you give this to a Democrat they might just think it's the best gift they ever got.