Ten Reasons I Hate Matthew McConaughey

Obviously, I do not know Matthew McConaughey personally, and therefore, when I use the word "hate" I do not mean in like "I hate the neighbor's dog who takes dumps on my property." I merely mean I hate his public caricature and believe Hollywood and the United States would be a better place without him. So nuke his house, or something. Why? Here are a list of good reasons:

1. Matthew McConaughey is from, and currently resides in, Texas. No offense to the good-natured people of the Lone Star state, but all that "Don't mess with Texas" arrogance does not sit well with Yankees like me. Frankly, I've been there, and it's nice, but not nice enough to take THAT much pride in. Recently, you've produced George W. Bush, the Houston Texans, Tom DeLay, illegal immigrants who cross that smelly, unprotected river, and countless other problems for our country. Really, the other 49 states can't stand you. You're the obnoxious guy in the weight room who thinks your biceps are bigger than everyone elses, and we just laugh at you in return.

But that isn't enough reason to hate McConaughey, there's more!

2. Matthew McConaughey turned down the lead role to Titanic. I hate the movie Titanic. You know what the biggest cinematic crime of the 90s was? Titanic beating L.A. Confidential for Best Picture in 1997. And who do I partially blame for that? Matthew McConaughey, because if he had taken the lead role, Titanic would have absolutely sucked. Why?

3. Matthew McConaughey makes horrible movies. Okay, so U-571, Amistad, and A Time to Kill were not that bad, and even as a male I can appreciate How To Lose a Guy in 10 Days, but have you looked at the rest of this filmography? The Wedding Planner, Angels in the frickin' Outfield? That Truman Show rip-off Edtv? The Armageddon rip-off Contact? Sahara? Failure to Launch?

I'll give you failure, McConaughey: it's called your career in the last five years. Yet...

4. Matthew McConaughey makes more money than me. Self-explanatory, really.

5. He got to stand on the sidelines during Texas' National Championship win over USC. Texas has hundeds of thousands of fans that care about that team winning more than anything yet this tool - who claims golf is his favorite sport - gets to go stand next to Vince Young. And they had to rub it in to the millions of actual real college football fans by showing the douche on television. Thanks, ABC!

6. Matthew McConaughey was in the Delta-Tau-Delta fraterntiy in college. He, a frat boy? I'm shocked and awed! Sheesh...

7. Matthew McConaughey once was caught by the police playing bongo drums in the nude with illegal substances lying around. Oh, and did I mention there was another man in the room? And only one other man? I'm all for getting naked and chilling out to music, but getting naked and banging on the bongo drums with only one other guy in the room? When you claim publicly you're straight?

He's also been arrested several other times.

8. Matthew McConaughey spends an inordinate amount of time with Lance Armstrong. Let's see, he's worked with Kate Hudson, Jennifer Lopez, Sarah Jessica Parker, Penelope Cruz, and countless other A-list celebrities. He could hang out with anyone whom he wants, but yet McCoughnahey finds a strange affinity for Lance Armstrong, an accused steroid-abuser who likes wearing tight pants and having a hard bicycle seat riding up his ass. Both have had "he's gay" accusations thrown at them independently, and now apparently they're consoling each other.

Apparently, in the upcoming issue of Details magazine, McConaughey says that he and Armstrong actually tried a homosexual relationship and it "wasn't for them." I'm sorry, any way you slice that it doesn't look good for Matthew McConaughey or Lance Armstrong. I'm trying to think of a way that that news makes him look better, but it doesn't. Instead it just looks...weird.

I'm not against bisexualism in general, just Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong.

9. His stated personal philosophy is "Be the lean horse for the long ride. I figure I am in the third round of a 15 round fight." (taken from IMDB.com). I hate people who use an unnecessary amount of sports cliches. I hate people who mix their sports cliches. I also hate people who mix tenses while they're speaking. Oh, and third round? Matthew, buddy, you're 37 years old. Given that you're a celebrity who's been arrested numerous times, you're on like round 11.

10. Matthew McConaughey does not wear deoderant. If nothing else I've written has you convinced that Matthew McConaughey is a major tool, this should do it. I don't care if you're worried about unnatural chemicals getting into your body, that's just gross. How big of a set of nuts do you have to have to walk around without using any kind of body fragrance? Maybe it's because he lives in Texas and everyone already smells like ass, but come on!

Seriously, he's just an arrogant frat boy who made it big-time. Perhaps he hopped into bed with the right person or something. Sexiest Man Alive? What happened, People Magazine, did you lose the rest of the entries, or were you intoxicated by the cocky marijuana-laced B.O. coming from his body?

Sheesh... What's the next lousy performace to be given by McConaughey? A near tear-jerker about the tragic Marshall plane crash in the 70s...directed by the same who gave Charlie's Angels and Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle to the world! Mark your calenders...