Ten Reasons Why Every Guy Needs a Cat

Girls have known about the wonders and magic of cat ownership for decades. It's high time that guys got educated about the wonders of cats and why they need one (or even two or three). Below are a mere ten ways in which a cat will improve the life of any guy.

1. Cats are the ultimate low maintenance pets. All a cat needs is food, water, litter and love. You can't get much more low maintenance than that. Pet rocks and plants are about the only things more low maintenance than a cat. Fish are about on par. Dogs and girlfriends are both considerably more high maintenance than cats. It should also be pointed out that way more apartments allow cats than allow dogs. So if you want a pet, consider a cat.

2. Girls like cats. Unless they are allergic, most girls love cats. Make sure you get an outgoing cat that loves being around people. Girls will be mesmerized by your cat's undeniable adorableness. And through the psychological process of transference all that attraction will be passed from the cat to you. Plus, you get valuable 'sensitive guy' points for your story of how you couldn't resist adopting that poor cat you saw at the shelter. If you have a flair for the dramatic be sure to describe your cat's former living conditions as a cross between Frankenstein's lab and Auschwitz.

3. Cats are certified killing machines. While we humans know cats as furry lovable little bundles of joy, many other members of the animal kingdom know cats as badass killers, like Jet Li or Arnold in Commando or that chick in the old Aeon Flux cartoons. What guy wouldn't want to boast that he keeps a finely tuned killing machine at home? Any rodent, bird or spider encroaching on your property had best beware of your ferocious guard cat. Always ready break out its ninja skills and destroy unwanted interlopers.

4. Entertainment! Nearly anything a cat does has the capacity to be hilarious. They'll run in circles chasing their own tail. Cats will bat around small objects just for fun and from time to time, cats will paw at and chase things that don't exist. Cats will even chase the light from laser pointers all over the room.

5. Cat therapy. Did you know that some hospices have a cat or two on the grounds to cheer up their patients? Did you know that some studies have shown that having a cat improves one's health? The good news is that you don't need a terminal disease to take advantage of cat therapy. When you've had a crappy day at work and just feel like you want to break something or more likely someone's skull, you bend over, pickup your cat and give him or her a big long hug. Then suddenly, for no real reason you feel better. If you still feel bad, repeat.

6. Free massages. Cats do this really cool thing with their front paws; they will jump up on top of you and start working their front paws in a kneading motion. Once you understand your cat, you'll be able to direct this awesome kneading power to whatever muscle groups are tensed up. I get morning back massages and it rocks.

7. Alarm clock. Did you have a massive power outage that resets all the clocks in your house? No Problem. That cat will make sure that you wake up on time. Partly because cats instinctively know that you need to be on time in order to keep your day job and look good for your boss and partly because the cat wants food. After you've fed the cat it does remain your responsibility to make sure that you stay up and actually get to work.

8. Cat play. If you have multiple cats, you'll get to enjoy the full benefit of this one. Cat play is an awesome combination of hiding, stalking, pouncing and rough and tumble wrestling. With proper editing and the right announcer you could sell videos of this on pay-per-view.

9. Cats will love you unconditionally. It doesn't matter how much you make, how poorly you dress, or even if you actually are a complete bastard. Cats will love you anyways. That's part of the magic of cats, if you love them, they'll love you back even more.

10. Emergency food supply. When the apocalypse finally comes, civilization collapses and the supermarkets have stopped selling Captain Crunch, you'll be prepared.