Ten Reasons Why You Should Not Buy a Baby from a Prostitute

So…you are in the market for a newborn, but forty thousand bucks on the black market seems like a lot to pay for something that isn't even potty trained. Don't be fooled though. Just because the local hooker offers up her newborn to you for just under three thousand bucks doesn't mean it's a good deal. It's sort of a "you get what you pay for" sort of deal. Besides, even if you don't heed my advice, and you decide to buy your baby from a lady of the night, three grand is still a lot. If you are price shopping, be aware that for about 50 bucks you can usually buy what she wants most in the world. You just have to sit in wait for her when she most needs it. She'll usually sell the kid for that next fix. In any case, I digress. There are some definite reasons that you should never buy a child from a Prostitute. Here are ten:

1) Most Prostitutes are drug addicts. The most commonly abused drug on the street is crack cocaine. If you buy a baby from a crack ho, most likely your baby will almost certainly be addicted to crack. Crack ruins the brain. If your baby is addicted to crack, you stand a likely chance of raising a baby that as an adult will have the common sense of George Bush. Sure, he grew up to be President, but would YOU want to be his parent? I think I made my point.

2 ) Another reason not to buy a baby from a prostitute is that drug addicted prostitutes lie! That's right. Just because she SAYS it's her baby, doesn't mean it is. You don't really KNOW who that baby's mother is. One minute you will be getting ready to pour yourself some breakfast cereal. The next, you will be shocked to see your new baby's face resembles the one on your milk carton. If you MISS the milk carton, Don't worry. The little old lady down the street is right on top of it. (You shouldn't have let your dog do his business on her lawn) Good luck explaining to a jury how you aren't responsible... that you didn't kidnap the baby, but rather you bought the baby from a prostitute. Juries traditionally love the "I didn't steal the baby. I bought the baby from a drugged out prostitute", defense. Good luck with that one.

3) If a prostitute has a baby and it IS her baby, she has proven she's not all that particular about "protection". In other words. Your baby might have AIDS. Sure you got to enjoy changing diapers and waking up in the middle of the night to a screaming brat, and you likely even got to potty train the little disease fest, but it's all for not, because he will never be old enough to clean your house no less steal your car and run it into the neighbor's living room wall.

4) If the hooker doesn't die from her addictions, and the baby doesn't die from her indiscretions, it is likely that she will clean up her act and come looking for her baby. You don't believe me? Watch Desperate Housewives man! You don't need that sort of problem in your life. Not only will you spend thousands of dollars to keep the diseased little half wit, but you will lose. Why will you lose? You will lose because of the 5th Reason You Should Not Buy a Child From a Prostitute.

5) Buying a child from a prostitute is illegal. Go figure! In fact. It's not just a little bit illegal to sell a human being. It's a big time felony and could land you in jail. Even if you win the case against the prostitute, you won't get to raise the stupid drug addicted disease nest, because you will be busy trying to explain to Bubba or Teresa, the person with whom you share a 9X12 cell that just because he or she can't get you pregnant by humping your butt doesn't mean that humping your butt is a good idea.

6) When you give a prostitute money, you know from the outset that she will use that money to feed her drug habit or her alcoholism. She may TELL you that she's going to use the money to get away from her pimp, but come on. A ho who is smart enough to leave her pimp, has already been socking away a little from every trick. Don't buy her crap. She just wants to get high. If you want to be a contributing factor to the decline of civilization, be my guest. No one will judge you for being evil... especially not me. It's you that has to live with yourself. I couldn't live with myself if I was part of helping someone ruin their lives with drugs, but that's me. I'm a good person of tremendous moral fiber. If you want to prove yourself a person on low moral fiber who gets off on helping people ruin their lives, then have at. Seriously, no judgments here.

7) If you buy a child from a Prostitute, and she never comes looking for the kid, and he doesn't die from AIDS, and the kid is somehow smart enough to pronounce the word "nuclear" properly, and no one ever figures out that you broke the law by buying a kid from a prostitute, at SOME point, that kid is going to realize that he looks nothing like you and he's going to ask you if he is adopted. Good luck with answering that one.

8) Children with the BEST genes are tough to raise. When you buy a child from a prostitute, you may have seen the dirty little crack ho you bought the kid from, but you know nothing of the paternal history. Sure… the kid's father is just as likely to be a rich lawyer or College professor as he is the toothless guy who squeegees your windshield with dirty water and asks you for a tip, but since you have no real idea of which it is, I say it's not worth taking the chance.

9) It could slip out. Every parent, in a fit of anger says things to their kids they regret saying later. Often those things border on the truth. If you ever yell at your kid "I bought you from a prostitute"…well…. Let's just say those aren't the sort of words you can ever take back.

10) Okay…. Why are you still reading this? Are you really that desperate to buy a kid from a Prostitute that you are looking for some sort of loophole? Holy Christ. Okay. Here's another reason not to buy a child from a Prostitute… BECAUSE I SAID SO. Enough said. Now stop trying to buy someone else's baby and go make your own!