Ten Resolutions for the Slightly Off-Center

Every now and then, you have to be inspired to come up with New Year's Resolutions that are different. It's a New Year, so why not do something new and refreshing? The Ten Resolutions I have listed below should actually be things you've seen, done, or failed to do before. My whole problem was trying to figure out a new way to do the same resolutions:

10. Resolve to be less politically correct. Use phrases like "Have a great day!" and tell passers-by to lead the revolution against the establishment by working hard, saving money, and being happy.

9. Resolve to lose the unsightly extra pounds. For some, this means exercise. For me, I'll just be evicting the 300 pound roommate.

8. Resolve to destroy the forces of evil and tyranny. For some, this means joining the Army and hunting bin Laden, or perhaps the base's psychiatrist. For me, I'm just going to sabotage my assistant manager's hopes to move up as manager into a store of his own. It's a "Keep your friends close, enemies closer," kind of thing.

7. Resolve to help rid the world of fraud, waste, and abuse. I'm going to anonymously forward all my junk mail to my Senator and see how fast a law against it gets passed.

6. Resolve to carry the cause of freedom to the world: I tried this last year by getting a girlfriend to go streaking and posting the results on YouTube, but since I made the mistake of blotting out faces and not anything more strategic, I'll have to re-do the whole episode. But I did get 2 million hits before YouTube took down the video. My friend said she had "never felt so free," so in one sense of the word, the resolution worked out just fine.

5. Resolve to be a missionary to a place where no other missionary has ever been: Create a street-preacher avatar on "World of Warcraft."

4. Resolve to be a positive influence on others. Tell the kid wearing baggy pants around his knees to pull them up, and watch the faces of everyone else nearby brighten immediately.

3. Resolve to actually complete a New Year's Resolution. This one will work great if you actually only make this particular resolution, if for no other reason, than because now that you've made the resolution, you've kept it.

2. Resolve to let Congress know who's in control. Send an anonymous letter to a bunch of random Congressmen saying only that "All is discovered! Take what you can and flee immediately!!" See who jumps on a jet within hours.

1. Resolve to be more honest and open at work. In my case, when they ask "Why were you late?" I'll be able to answer with a clear conscience: "Because it's hard to be on time for 8 daily underpaid hours of death by Micromanagement."

To my readers: Have a safe and Happy New Year. Take my kind wishes for you and yours into 2010.