Ten Signs Your Wife or Girlfriend is Abusive

Like a lot of people, I have seen and heard an awful lot about relationship abuse, especially when it's perpetrated by a man against a woman. When I was earning my master's degree in social work, I had a professor who did a lot of work with domestic violence perpetrators, and they were almost all men. Check the media, and you'll discover that women are much more likely to be abuse victims. However, while common knowledge seems to indicate that women are usually on the losing end in abusive relationships, I have discovered that men can be victims too.

One of the first surprises of my marriage was discovering that my husband Bill's first wife had abused him. In retrospect, I should have suspected that he was abused much sooner than I did; but like many other Americans, I had biases as to what an abuse victim looks like. And my biases were set so that I was blind to the possibility that my husband, a soldier in the United States Army, could have been anyone's victim. But he was, in fact, abused by his ex wife in many different ways. Thankfully, over the course of our eight years of marriage, he's slowly begun to heal.

My experience with my husband has opened my eyes to the possibility that there are a lot of men in abusive relationships, suffering in silence. With help from Shrink4Men.com, an excellent Web site and resource for men who are in abusive relationships and the people who love them, I have compiled a list of ten common ways a woman can abuse a man after the relationship is in full swing.

1- She throws a huge tantrum if she doesn't get her way.

Men who are involved with abusive women often find themselves doing anything they can to avoid upsetting their wives or girlfriends. Women who are abusive are often very easily upset ,and when they get upset, there's hell to pay. There might be a lot of yelling, screaming, and crying, or she might employ the silent treatment. Some abusive women go as far as to become violent, kicking, scratching, or throwing things to get her man to give in to her demands. Oftentimes, a man in an abusive relationship will tread very carefully to avoid anything that will set off his mate.

2- She discourages you from hanging out with your friends and family.

One of an abuser's top goals is to isolate their victims and keep them from communicating with anyone who might present a view that differs from theirs. If your wife or girlfriend starts to encourage you not to see or talk to your friends or family, that's a red flag. My husband's ex wife, for instance, has always hated his mother. She made a lot of disparaging comments about my husband's mom, claiming she was inappropriate and disrespectful and not the right woman to be grandmother to the two kids she and my husband shared. It wasn't long before my husband's mom was cut out of her grandchildren's lives. My husband's mother, incidentally, was one of the first people who had recognized his ex wife's abusive treatment and expressed her concerns.

Abusive people, male or female, don't want their victims to have anyone around who offers a differing viewpoint or a source of support. So they discourage their victims from maintaining connections to the important people in their lives, like family and friends. As an aside to this, they may also demand that you account for your time away from them.

3- Her language is often peppered with put-downs.

Abusive people feel better when they put other people down. So if your wife or girlfriend regularly makes belittling comments about you, pay close attention. That may be a sign that she's an abuser. Sometimes, the comments may be subtle, but often, they're not. When my husband's ex wife saw him a couple of years after their divorce, she accused him of using Rogaine because he had so much more hair than when she last saw him. She made disparaging comments about his work, his hobbies, and even his taste in music. She claimed he was trying to be "hip" by listening to alternative rock instead of the pop country she listened to and apparently felt was more appropriate. Remember, people in loving relationships build each other up; they don't tear each other down.

4- She gaslights.

Gaslighting is a manipulation technique abusive people use to try to get their victims to feel crazy. A person who gaslights says and does things to get you to doubt your own sanity. Say you and your wife have a long discussion about where to take your next vacation. You agree to go to Mexico for a week. Then, when you bring up that conversation a couple of days later, she tells you she never agreed to go to Mexico; her preference was France for two weeks. She insists that she never said this; she never did that; and you must have a very vivid imagination because you keep coming up with these wild stories about conversations she never had with you. After awhile, you start to agree that you must be crazy. You may find yourself doubting and second guessing your every thought, which keeps you nice and distracted and unable to recognize and defend yourself against abusive behavior.

5- She makes you hand over your paycheck or doesn't want you to work.

My husband's ex wife had him convinced that she should be the one who handled the books. She reminded him that he was terrible at math, while she had always been a math whiz. Not wanting to start a fight with his former wife, my husband dutifully handed over his paychecks, which she proceeded to spend with wild abandon that eventually led them to financial ruin. All the while, she insisted on controlling the money.

Abusive people don't want their victims to have access to money because money is power. While an abusive man may have an easy time of cutting off their wife's or girlfriend's financial resources, an abusive woman might be more cunning in order to control the finances in a relationship. If she has a decent job or some other consistent source of cash, she may even try to convince her victim to stay home and take care of the kids. She may rationalize that by staying home, he will help them save money on child care and gas. Meanwhile, she has control of the cash flow and has managed to isolate her victim from others.

6- She has unreasonable expectations.

Nothing you do is ever enough to satisfy her. You may work day and night to make her happy. You may drop everything to tend to her whenever she calls. But no matter what sacrifices you make on her behalf, she's still very critical. And yet, you still want to please her, so you keep trying to achieve the seemingly impossible.

7- She threatens to call the police when you have a disagreement.

This sign could also apply if your wife or girlfriend threatens to tell "someone important" that you're somehow abusive or a pervert. The important person could be anyone: your parents, your children, your boss... as long as that person's impression of you is meaningful, she has a powerful tool of manipulation at her disposal. If you're with a woman who threatens to file false charges against you, that's a big, flashing, neon sign that you should waste no time in getting out of the relationship. Even if she tells you she's kidding, a person who would joke about calling the cops and filing a false police report is not someone you want to tempt. You really could end up in jail if she calls the police, even if you're the innocent party.

My husband's ex wife never called the police on him, but she did threaten to tell his parents and his children that he's emotionally abusive and a pervert. Even when he cooperated with her, she still told his family those lies about him. My husband's mother, thankfully, recognized the ex was lying from the very beginning. His father and stepmother took a little more time to realize they had been lied to. Sadly, his daughters apparently still believe the lies. I have been with my husband for eight years and have never seen any evidence of abuse or perversion.

8- She's very unpredictable.

Abusive people like to keep their victims tip-toeing on eggshells. If you're with someone who is abusive, you may start to notice that her reactions to things can be very unpredictable. She may seem very reasonable dealing with one troublesome situation, leaving you to feel safe the next time something comes up. But the next time you bring up a problem, she completely flies off the handle and throws a mother of a temper tantrum. Then the time after that, her response is less of a temper tantrum and more of a plunge into a dangerous depression that leaves you fearing for her life. The end result is that you never know how she'll react. Her unpredictable nature could also extend to her opinions of you. One day, you may be the god of her universe. The next day, you may be the bottom of a filthy toilet. Her opinions of you change on a daily basis and keep you in a perpetual state of confusion.

9- She tries to "diagnose you" with some kind of emotional problem.

Abusive people like to feel smarter and more powerful than their victims. They also want you to think you need them. For that reason, you should be very suspicious if your wife or girlfriend starts trying to saddle you with some kind of half-baked psychological diagnosis, especially if she doesn't have any formal training. She may try to convince you that you're somehow "sick" and try to force you into therapy. By doing this, she establishes credibility, because why would you see a therapist if nothing is wrong with you? Actually, you really don't have to be crazy or "sick" to see a therapist, but she will try to convince you that you do, and she may also do her very best to get you to see someone of her choosing, hoping that the therapist will agree with her assessment of you. Once you have an official diagnosis, she can hold it over your head in many ways. She can refer to your "problem" when you're having a fight. She can threaten to tell your friends, your boss, or your family members about it. She may also use it as evidence in situations that involve law enforcement or if you ever have to go to court.

I have nothing against therapists. They can be helpful in many situations. But you should be wary if your wife or girlfriend tries to convince you that you have a psychological problem, especially if she tries to insist that you see a therapist.

10- She uses fear, obligation, or guilt to get what she wants.

Dr. Susan Forward is the author of the groundbreaking book, Emotional Blackmail: When The People In Your Life Use Fear, Obligation, and Guilt to Manipulate You. In her book, Dr. Forward refers to F.O.G.-- fear, obligation, and guilt. If your wife or girlfriend consistently uses threats or lays guilt trips to get you to comply with unreasonable demands, you may be dealing with an abuser. Healthy adults who want something know how to make reasonable, straightforward requests. If your wife or girlfriend prefaces her requests or demands by threatening to abandon you or take your kids away forever, she is using fear to get what she wants. If she consistently reminds you of the many ways she has helped you in the past, she's using guilt. If she tells you you somehow owe her, she's appealing to your sense of obligation. While most people use the F.O.G. tactics every once in awhile, a person who uses them as a mainstay is probably abusive.

Final thoughts

Whether you're a man or a woman, abusive relationships can be hell. While there aren't as many resources for men involved with abusive women, I can recommend Shrink4Men.com as an outstanding place to help you determine whether or not your wife or girlfriend is abusive. If she is, I urge you to take steps to reclaim your life. No one should have to live with an abuser.

Sources

www.Shrink4Men.com

Forward, Susan (1998). Emotional blackmail: when the people in your life use fear, obligation, and guilt to manipulate you. New York: Harper Paperbacks.