Ten Steps to Practice Bridge-building Vs. Wall-building to Solve a Conflict

A great teaching tale: Old Joe and the Carpenter by Pleasant DeSpain

Several years back, Pleasant DeSpain shared an insightful folktale called "Old Joe and the Carpenter" in his story collection book entitled Thirty-three multicultural tales to tell.

Story Synopsis: Old Joe and his long-time best friend and next-door neighbor started a feud as to who was the true owner of a stray baby calf. They were so angry with each other that they totally avoided each other for two weeks. One day, a Carpenter appeared seeking work. Old Joe contracted him to build a tall fence on the property line so he would not have to see the house of his former friend. While Old Joe ran errands, the Carpenter built his structure. Old Joe was shocked and dismayed to find that the Carpenter built a bridge across the creek that his former friend had dug between their properties to keep him from visiting. This bridge managed to reconcile the two neighbors to the status of best friends once again.

To read the entire story, please click on Thirty-three multicultural tales to tell by Pleasant DeSpain: pp. 12-14

When conflict happens in your life due to an unpleasant situation such as bad health, an unpleasant job, financial problems, hate crimes or persecution, or other kinds of challenges or a conflict with another person, it is wise to listen to your intuition to receive guidance as to what steps it would be best to take next. It all boils down to this: Like in the folk tale by Pleasant DeSpain called "old Joe and the Carpenter," will you endeavor to build a wall or a bridge between this experience or this person? If you can fight and persevere to find a way to build a bridge, you will have a much stronger chance of overcoming the obstacle this person or this experience presents.

When conflict happens, many people find themselves caught up in listening to their intellect, to their feelings of injured pride, to their feelings of betrayal, to fear feelings, or to their Fight or Flight instincts. Clearly, when this happens, if you were one of those people, you have not been working to build a bridge of a WIN-WIN outcome between you and the source of the conflict. Instead, you have attempted to literally or figuratively build an insurmountable fence or wall to separate you from this person or source of conflict. As the well-known TV psychologist, Dr. Phil, frequently asks, "How is that working for you?" Have you reached a solution that feels good to you, or has the conflict just escalated into a situation that is seemingly out-of-control?

Albert Einstein stated that most of us have only used ten percent (10%) of our brain power. Yet, we all have the ability to access that other ninety percent (90%).

How do we access this other ninety percent (90%) of our brain power?

If you can, find a time to generate feelings of peacefulness and well-being. If nature resonates with you, take a walk. If exercise increases your serotonin, perhaps walk on a treadmill. If reading an enjoyable book or watching a movie would feel good, indulge in this pleasure. If a hot bath, a hot shower, or a long nap would soothe you, savor this experience. Perhaps you are a pet lover. Since many people treat their pets as if the pet is a treasured member of their family, Steps 1 to 3 will give a detailed guide built around a beloved dog or cat.

Tools you will need:

* A notebook
* A smooth-writing pen
* A beloved cat or dog
* A flashlight for recording dreams or insights

Step 1: Prior to petting your dog or cat, ask your subconscious mind or Jesus or God or your guardian angel or whatever higher power you worship or revere to supply you with insights and answers about your health, job, financial, hate crimes or persecution, or other kinds of challenges or a conflict with another person. Release the outcome and preconceived notions of how these insights should look or appear. After all, you and that other ninety percent (90%) of your brain power will be co-creating new territory that you perhaps have never before considered.

Step 2: After clearly stating your request, focus your attention on stroking your dog or cat. This will not only be very therapeutic to both you and the pet, it will also have the advantage of soothing your dog or cat and you into a feeling of well-being.

Step 3: Should a potential answer occur, quickly write it down, thank the higher power or your subconscious mind, and continue petting your dog or cat. Keep doing this until you have a sense of closure or completion.

Step 4: Before you go to sleep at night or before you take an afternoon nap, repeat this request. Keep that notebook and perhaps a flashlight nearby should you dream something that feels relevant. In that case, record as much of the dream as you can recall so that you can ponder it later. Should you awake with a potential insight or insights, make note of them as quickly as you can.

Step 5: Prepare to read, watch TV, talk to people on the phone or in person, and take note of billboard messages or church or temple marquees with a more focused eye and ear. Perhaps God is using one of these vehicles to alert you to more insights and answers. Make note of what you heard or read. Then, write down your interpretation of why these particular words resonated with you the way that they did while it is still fresh on your mind.

Step 6: "We are each our own master teachers." (Author Unknown.) The answers you need will come if you have the ears to hear aka focused attention.

Step 7: Other people can offer suggestions galore that may or may not apply to your particular situation. Take these suggestions with a grain of salt. In other words, did their suggestion feel good to you at a gut level? Did it hit the mark for you or stray way off course? You could consider their suggestion as one data point that may or may not apply. It is possible that if you instead applied a variation of their suggestion, it might actually work. Otherwise, if their suggestion does not feel feasible, politely thank them for making the effort to try to help. Then continue on with searching for your own insights and answers.

Needless to say, destructive suggestions from toxic others should be ignored completely.

Also to be avoided are suggestions from people who are representing themselves as friendly to your cause, yet your gut is telling you that this person is not to be trusted. Your gut tells you this by giving you uncomfortable feelings. On the other hand, if you feel good about that person or the suggestions that you hear, record that suggestion in your notebook as well. You can always safely trust your gut.

Step 8: Once you have gathered together enough viable suggestions in your notebook, then evaluate them. Perhaps construct a pro and con list for each suggestion. Perhaps put these insights in order of the one you feel would work the best on down to the one you feel would be the least effective.

Step 9: Then formulate a plan to start implementing these potential solutions. Patience will be the key. Immediate gratification is a very human and understandable goal; however, delayed gratification is more realistic. Since the problem most likely didn't get co-created in a day, it will likely take much longer than a day to be resolved.

Step 10: Final thought: Be prepared through your insights to dance in a new way. Every conflict with another can be viewed as a dance. Either you or that other person took a step that caused feelings of conflict with the 'dance partner' due to the filters you or that person use to perceive and interpret the world.

"Newton's Third Law of Motion states Newton's Third Law states that for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction."

One 'dance partner' provokes an action. His or her 'dance partner' reacts to this action based on his or her filter. Back and forth this goes. One 'dance partner' takes an action. The other 'dance partner' takes a reactionary step.

Perhaps it becomes a circle dance should one 'dance partner' decide to involve other people. In this case, a form of mob mentality takes over. It is nearly impossible to combat mob mentality unless you can 'divide and conquer', forming a bond, an understanding, or an alliance - one member at a time.

So, since the conflict continues getting escalated, the dance you have been dancing is not effective. You must learn to dance a new dance that step-by-slow-and-careful-step will begin to deescalate the conflict.

"He drew a circle that shut me out-
Heretic , rebel, a thing to flout.
But love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle and took him In!"

From the poem "Outwitted" by Edwin Markham

Additional Resources on Mob Mentality and Divide and Conquer

For more information about how to deal with that mob mentality, read any or all of the following five articles:

(1) Tip #11 of 12 - Divide and Conquer is Best Method for Dealing with Bullies and that Mob Mentality

(2) Info 101: Hub page for It takes a Community to deal with the Mob Mentality of a Gang of Bullies

(3) JoJo and the Three Bully B's

(4) Sam Chooses to Self Mentor Instead of to Give in to Psychological Warfare

(5) Tyler Chooses Between Dennis and Shawn's Gang