Ten Things I Cannot Change

"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference." The Serenity Prayer is a mantra. At first I did not gather the significance of these words. I probably saw them for the first time on a refrigerator magnet at some alcoholic's house. I thought about what the words meant at that time. I knew as a small child that was constantly angry or worried over things that I could not change. I was terrified of nuclear war and disease epidemics in grammar school. Still, like all alcoholics, I have a profound ability to forget. These powerful words left my mind and the insanity of my alcoholism grew daily through my adolescence into my adulthood. During the earliest days of my sobriety I began to reexamine these words. I realized that the serenity prayer is about perspective. Successful people focus their efforts on what they can change and waste no effort or emotion on that which they cannot affect. Not only does success come with this strategy but also peace of mind. Yet, it takes effort. Working the 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous is just that-work. Each day I confront things that I cannot change but that anger, grieve or annoy me. Here is a list of 10 things that I cannot change that drive me up a wall.

1. Dogs have no concept of futility - The definition of insanity, as I so often hear in AA meetings is the repetition of an action expecting a different outcome. Human beings usually know well enough to stop doing something that doesn't work. Dogs don't. A dog can bark all night long and not get tired. A dog can scratch at the door trying to investigate a sound and never give up. Dogs don't forget about the leftovers sitting on the counter and will whine until you put them away. It's not the dog's fault, they simply lack the reasoning to change their behavior-but it makes their barking, scratching or whining no less annoying.

2. Babies have no basis of comparison - We alcoholics very often suffer from what is called "black and white" thinking. This type of thinking represents a failure to put things into proper perspective. Everything is either bliss or torture for the alcoholic. We fly into rage over traffic or being jostled on the subway. Babies are masters of this type of thought. For an infant everything is feast or famine. Whatever a baby doesn't like is an emergency. The need to be burped, hunger, fatigue or mere whim are all valid reasons for a child to cry. Babies can't help this; they have no basis for comparison. A baby has never broken its leg or had appendicitis so they don't know that having a tummy ache is fairly low on the overall pain scale. Again, it's not an infant's fault-that's just how a baby's mind works but for me, the alcoholic the sound of a baby crying-for any reason-raises the hackles on the back of my neck.

3. The Weather - I like it sunny and dry between 70 and 80 degrees. Therefore in New York City I am only happy with the weather for about three months a year. I hate summer for being too hot and winter for being too cold. I hate the rain, no matter how much we might need it.

4. Old people are slow - They just are. I understand that they are more frail, delicate, slower and weaker and lack the reaction time of younger people. I also understand that hopefully I will be old one day myself. But they are so often in the way when I am climbing stairs, walking down the street, waiting in line for the bathroom or driving my car.

5. There is no such thing as a free lunch - One of my father's favorite phrases. So often in life we are bombarded with free offers for something or another. Every time an offer sounds too good to be true that's because it is. I am tired of being solicited by everyone in this world. Advertisers fly planes overhead when we go to the beach. Spam accounts for 75% of traffic on the internet. Everyone want something from you be it your money, your time your signature or your soul. It makes me very angry.

6. Everything worthwhile in life takes patience and hard work - Whether I am trying to grow tomatoes or earn a master's degree it seems that I am always waiting. Unfortunately I am not good at doing anything that takes less than an hour.

7. Mortality - Still not cool with this one. I think that in my dreams I feel immortal because I wake up many mornings remembering that one day I will die and it always feels like the first time I discovered mortality-life's dirtiest secret. I don't think death is natural or fair and I do hate it but its coming and there is not a thing I can do about it.

8. Everything that feels good is bad for you - I loved smoking, drinking and many drugs but they are all poison. I love sex but it carries so many risks and complications. Almost every food I like to eat is either bad for my heart or horribly fattening. My appetites cause me more guilt than pleasure.

9. Not everyone else is in a hurry - Whether I am walking down the street or driving in my car, there is always someone strolling along. I tailgate, I fume and I mutter but my childishness only hurts me. Perhaps the roamers enjoy life more and they are certainly safer.

10. There are six billion other people on the planet - So many lines! Whether I am at the gym, on the subway or at Six Flags there are so many people in this world. Unlike everyone else, I take it personally. I feel like the rest of the planet conspires to get in my way. I forget that I am one among many.

Each day is a struggle with my own nature. My spiritual progress depends on my ability to deal with the fact that I am not the center of the universe. I hope to overcome my own weaknesses and learn to focus my efforts on my own life and not what, in my opinion, ails the universe.