Ten Things I Don't Understand About Deer Hunting

1. Why is it so hard to hit a deer with a bullet that travels 1,800 miles per hour when I had to slam on my brakes three times last night to avoid hitting deer with my car that was only going 45 miles per hour?

2. What is the connection between volunteer firefighters and deer hunters? Is anyone else perplexed as to how the same people who are rescuing kittens from tall trees are out there sniping at Bambi while he tries to sip a drink from a babbling brook?

3. Why do hunters all wear those green sweatshirts with pictures of majestic looking deer on them? Why don't they get shirts that have a deer laying in a puddle of its own blood with its shoulder half blown off? Wouldn't that paint a more accurate picture of what they enjoy? After all, if hunters were enthralled with the beauty of a deer, they'd be out their taking pictures instead of trying to take their heads off.

4. Wouldn't it be more interesting if the deer could shoot back?

5. If hunters really hunt for food, then why have I been driving past the same rotting deer carcass on the side of the road for over a month now?

6. Hunters argue that what they do helps control the deer population. If that's what they're really trying to do, why don't they shoot the idiot deer standing in the middle of the road instead of the master evader that it takes three days to track?

7. How did the Native Americans almost drive the white-tail deer to extinction 200 years ago with nothing other than hand-carved arrows, but three years ago, my buddy took out thousands of dollars in equipment every weekend of deer season and never even saw a deer?

8. How safe is deer hunting when it takes place only a few hundred feet from a major road, but a missed shot can travel for up to a mile?

9. Wouldn't it be easier to just send your wife to the grocery store?

10. What's so manly about deer hunting? I mean, instead of choosing to spend a November Sunday drinking beer and watching football, deer hunters choose to get up early, get all dressed up, put on a special scent, take a long walk in the woods together, and watch the sun rise. Sounds a little too "Brokeback Mountain" for me.