Ten Things Tiger Woods Will No Longer Need

Dear Tiger, what were you thinking last year? It's time to revamp your life. Get a makeover, declutter and move to Tibet. Lay low with all that money. In your new life there are things you will no longer need. That's okay-you've got it all. For a list of ten things you can now forgo, see my list of ideas below.

1. Nike shoes- Okay, Nike's still with you-but that won't last long. It's time to invest in new clothes. Would Giant Tiger or Wal-Mart sponsor a golfer? Why not dress up like Dennis Rodman?

2. Disguise- Your secrets are out-there's no need to hide! You can ditch that wig and makeup. You can drive your own car and make calls from your phone. You can swear at the paparazzi!

3. U.S. residence- If you want peace in your life, you should think about moving-very far away! Do they golf in Mumbai or Addis Ababa? With your money, you'd live like a king!

4. Public relations consultant- Could it get any worse? At this point, why bother? What you need is Charlie Sheen's phone number. Charlie threatens his wife with a knife and spends Christmas in jail. His TV show ratings have never been higher!

5. Armani suits- Sorry Tiger, there's no need for Armani suits. You need to look sad and disheveled. A photo of you with bed head wearing dirty sweatpants could be sold to OK! for a million!

6. Crystal Ball- It's too late for palm reading and crystal balls-you needed a psychic last year. How much money would you have paid to avoid this scandal? Don't you own a magic eight ball?

7. Good lawyer- You don't need a good lawyer-it won't make a difference. Hire a public defender. No matter what, your wife will get what she wants. It's too late for "It wasn't me!"

8. Condoms- Even if you play it safe-you're bound to have trouble. Some woman will claim that you're the father. Five years from now, you'll be quoted on Maury "I'm not the baby's daddy!"

9. Counseling- Don't celebrities go mental and cause a big scene? You don't need to go for counseling. Get drunk, shave your head and trash a hotel room. Apparently, it's very soothing!

10. Twitter account- If you're smart, you'll ditch your Twitter account. You'll be tempted to say the wrong thing. "Hey waitress, I love you...I think golf really sucks...hey Gillette, you can kiss my @ss!"

Don't delay, declutter and take my advice. Start changing your life today. Getting rid of these things is not half bad. I walk around with bed head and sweatpants! Don't despair, your image is sure to get better-it really can't get any worse. With your millions, you don't need to work again. What's wrong with Freedom 35?

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