Ten Things I Wish I Had Known Before I Had Kids

How many of us, upon tucking our sweet little darlings into bed, haven't been met with "Oh, I forgot, I have to bring cookies to school tomorrow", or "My log cabin is due tomorrow. Could you get me some sticks from the yard?" Late night runs have us white knuckling the steering wheel and doing 180 degree turns into the parking lot of the 24/7 all night Wal-Mart for needed items or we are hoping the neighbors don't report a mid-night prowler in the neighborhood as we scavenge for sticks.

Here are a few tips that could keep you from being reported to the non-supportive parental unit of your local PTA, the Neighborhood Watch, or appearing on the Ten Most Incompetent Parents List. I have learned these tips over thirty-six years of raising the most forgetful, irresponsible, unimaginative eight kids on the planet.

1. School supplies. When buying school supplies, always buy extra map colors, glue sticks, construction paper, poster board, markers, paper clips, and folders. Squirrel these away where your kids can't find them. Then when you are hit with, "Mom! I need a folder for tomorrow", you only have to go to your stash for the needed item. This also avoids speeding tickets in your mad dash to Wal-Mart.

2. Birthday gifts. Keep at least two generic type birthday presents on hand at all times and store them in your hiding place. These can be colors and coloring books, a classic DVD movie, a deck of cards or games like checkers and dominoes. The same goes for brightly colored gift bags in various sizes. Red is good for just about any occasion. The next time you are hit with a birthday party in two hours that you forgot, you are ready. No guilt trip needed.

3. Pretzel sticks. These can be quickly assembled for a log cabin, rail fence, wall or even a gingerbread house. They staler they are the better. Nobody is gong to eat them and it beats the heck out of stumbling around in the yard after dark looking for twigs. Jail avoided.

4. The freezer is your friend. Buy stick cookie dough and put it in the freezer. This keeps kids from taking them out and consuming the raw frozen cookie dough before you can catch them. A hack saw (clean blades of course) or sharp knife can cut through the dough quickly and you can have the 9:00 p.m. demand for two dozen cookies by 7a.m. ready in minutes. This is better than baking extra cookies and putting those in the freezer as any kid knows a frozen cookie will thaw in hot hands attached to a running body escaping detection in minutes.

5. 10 lbs of hamburger meat to the rescue! Spend an afternoon browning ten pounds of hamburger meat. Season it to your liking and when it is cool, store in l lb freezer bags. These become the pre-cooked easily thawed basis for almost instant soup, spaghetti, casseroles, Sloppy Joes, baked potato bars, and nachos. Perfect for when you have exactly 29 minutes after your pedicure and before dropping off t-ball players and picking up ballet dancers. Your spouse will think you are amazing.

6. Post a list of 5 minute jobs on the refrigerator. Instead of yelling out orders for some kid to do a job then nagging the same kid to do it, yell out "I need someone with 5 minutes right now" or "Next commercial, I need a kid." Most commercials are now 5 minutes long. Refer to the list and send the kid scurrying out to do the job before the TV show resumes. Just make sure the job can be done in 5 minutes. Time doing it yourself first as a kid would to be sure it can be done in the allotted time. 5 minute jobs might be l) empty the trash, 2) put wet clothes in the dryer 3) unload the dryer, 4) swish out a commode, 5) feed the dog, or 6) dust a bookshelf. Do not allow your spouse to see the list. He can probably take any five minute job and parlay it into a full afternoon's undertaking.

7. Wal-Mart trash bags can make instant rain boots or snow boots to keep the kids feet dry in a pinch. Just tie bags around their ankles or secure with rubber bands. Tell the kids they are space boots.

8. Leaf size trash bags also make good instant rain ponchos. Just cut a hole in the bottom for the head. Takes up less space than an umbrella and if the kid forgets it, it's no big deal. You can also make instant Halloween costumes this way. Cut holes in the bottom for legs, the side for the arms, and gather at the neck. Tell your kids they are celebrities, The California Raisins. Ok, this may not put you at the top of the Talented Parents List.

9. Purchase a different colored laundry basket for each bedroom. Put them in the laundry room. As you dry clothes, toss everything that goes to that bedroom in the assigned laundry basket. Then send the laundry basket full of clean clothes to each room to be folded and put away by the occupants...or not.

10. As you are cleaning house, take an empty laundry basket with you. As you find items that don't belong in that room, toss them in the laundry basket. Then as you go from room to room eventually all the stray items will have found a home. If you have any items left, they probably belong to the neighbor. This keeps you from running your legs off making 500 trips to various rooms as you clean.

By following these 10 Tips, I hope to never see your name on the "Do Not Call Homeroom Mothers List", the "The Queens of Drive-Thur Food List", or on "Mothers of the Muddiest Children of Rain and Snow List". Hang in there. There may be more of them than us, but we are smarter...or at least older.