Ten Thoughts for the Police and Suspects on Fox Television's COPS
My wife and I have been watching FOX's COPS since the show first aired back in 1989. There is nothing like watching the nation's finest take down some of the nation's dumbest. I have a few notes that I want to share with potential Cops guest stars and the cops themselves.
- If you think you're going to run from and/or be searched by the cops, please put on some underwear. Crack kills, especially that nasty hairy one sticking out of your shorts that not even FOX's blurring can keep from burning holes into our retinas.
- While we're at it, if you see a camera in the cop car or with the cop, don't run. You will get caught, and you're going to look real stupid when a cop who is double your size outruns you and makes you do a face plant into someone's azaleas.
- Carrying large amounts of cash around on you is never a good idea. While that fat bank will look impressive on TV, people are always going to think you're a drug dealer, stripper, or a waiter at a cash only restaurant. Deposit some of that bankroll. It'll keep it out of the cops hands. If you have to do business on the street, try using Paypal Mobile.
- When you're caught with drugs, don't try to swallow them. You're going to wind up with some cop trying to do a simultaneous Heimlich Maneuver and dental procedure on you, and if he doesn't succeed, they're going to be pumping your stomach or waiting until you poop it out. None of these things is pleasant for you or pleasant for me, the viewer.
- Cops, you've just been involved in a high speed chase resulting in the suspect's vehicle crashing. You've run across five football fields, through a barbed wire fence, across a dozen rose bushes, and tacked the guy onto hard pavement. Do you really think that you need to gently guide his head away from the roof of the car when you put him in. Why not just bash him a bit against the roof just to learn him real good.
- If you call the cops to your house, would it kill you to straighten up a little bit? Seriously. Fox is filming in HD now, so those empty cigarette wrappers, fourteen greasy pizza boxes and those dog pee stains on the carpet are going to look REALLY disgusting blown up on my 52 inch Sony Bravia.
- While we're on the subject of expensive TVs, do you realize how odd it is for the average viewer to see cops enter a trash strewn doublewide and see a brand new HDTV with cable on the wall? Would it kill you to knock 10 inches off the size of your TV and use that extra money to invest in some furniture that doesn't look like it fell off Goodwill's garbage truck?
- The cops know you are lying, and the camera in your face means millions of people are ALSO going to know you're lying. You look like a complete tool when a cop searches your pockets, pulls out a baggie full of crack and you tell him, "That's not mine!" Really? Was someone wearing your pants earlier in the day?
- If you're going to get a tattoo, spring for the full color version and don't cheap out in having it done. That Jesus on your back should like a holy man, not like Cathy from the comic strip.
- From one fat person to another, just because something comes in your size doesn't mean it fits. Honestly, I know you think you look good in that tube top and the mini skirt, but those HD cameras make your cellulite look like a topographical map of Mars, and your muffin top look like a volcanic eruption.
Published by Crutnacker
Freelance writer and business professional from Louisville, Kentucky. Husband, father of one beautiful daughter and three annoying cats. Lived in Maryland, Boston, MA, and Louisville, KY. View profile
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6 Comments
Post a CommentI love this article!
Cops is the original reality show and the only one that remains real. The rest are pretenders.
Great article! I used to get mad when they'd bust stoners, though, when there's rapist, murderers, and thieves running amok. In the last decade, however, they seemed to be more attentive to going after true dangers to society. I love the one with the crack-head they picked up the other night; metal crack-pipe in his pocket (which he claims he found on the sidewalk and just decided to pick up for no reason) and lips full of white heat blisters from torchin' down so hard on the thing. Good stuff, but just remember; all suspects are INNOCENT until proven guilty in a court of law(..aw, who am I kidding?)
Yeah, I loved that. Not my pants. That cop pile drived his face into the pavement. It was sweet.
Loved this. Watched COPS tonight myself. Watched it since its debut myself. My favorite line: When the cops busted this one guy and pulls out the drugs, he gave the obligatory "That ain't mine." But I loved it when he told the cops the pants weren't his either...
More excellent advice to keep in mind! Printing and posting on the fridge now, thanks!