Ten Tips for Accepting, Avoiding and Gracefully Rejecting Toe Sucking Offers

I recently moved to Orlando, in Seminole County, Florida and being a good citizen I, of course, registered to vote, recycle, mow my lawn and pay attention to weighty matters of local concern. So, when I read the Orlando Sentinel article about our Sheriff's wife who received an offer to have her toes sucked and turned around and had 5 police officers called out to search for and check the villain out even though he had committed no crime, I couldn't help but be appalled. So I thought, as long as there is a population of itinerant toe sucker offenders around, maybe I could provide helpful advice to the citizens of this county and whomever else might be interested on how to handle such touchy, uhm, I mean delicate, uh, sensitive, uh, no, better to call them challenging situations.

Tip #1 for Those Offered Toe Sucking

In case of toe sucking offers, be sure that your toes are free of fungus, read "Fight Foot Fungus with these Five Beautifying Tips" for advice on how to do that. Also, clean and potentially decorate your ankles and feet with a dainty henna tattoo and toenails with toe polish. Due to potential skin cancer, sun tans are optional.

Tip #2 for Those Offered Toe Sucking

I know it gets quite hot and muggy in this neck of the woods, but if you're likely to be offended by an offer to have your toes sucked, please remember, you are not required to bare your toes in public. Toe suckers are less likely to find your toes sexy if they are hidden beneath socks or footware.

#3 Tip for Those Offered Toe Sucking

If you're inclined to have your toes sucked, but have been walking in damp grass or jogging down the trails or bike riding, you might want to have a supply of CVS' hand sanitizer wash on hand, I mean foot. Sucking on toes covered with athletic foot powder and or sun tan lotion might be poisonous, be sure to check the warning label before indulging. In any case, please do not call 9-11 and tell them any of the details of what happened unless an emergency ensues.

#4 Tip for Those Offered Toe Sucking

If the toe sucking offender approaches you in public with his offer and you take offense, it is outdated and potentially a crime if you slap their face. A polite "I'm flattered, but no thank you" should suffice.

#5 Tip for Those Offered Toe Sucking

If you are in a relationship and it offends you that someone offers to suck your toes, it is in the realm of good manners to say politely, "thank you for the offer, but I'm taken. Can I suggest an alternative?" Then provide the person with the phone number for the local zoo.

#6 Tip for Those Offered Toe Sucking

If the toe sucking offender leaves you their offer on the window of your car, it is okay to crumple the note, especially if they did not leave a phone number. But it is not okay to litter. Do not, I repeat, do not toss the toe sucking offer into the parking lot gardens or on the pavement; littering is a crime. The garbage can is a suitable place to put your toe sucking offer. Then forget about it unless you have worries about being stalked which can be quite hazardous.

#7 Tip for Those Offered Toe Sucking

If you are so lucky (I'm not saying it is good or bad luck) to receive a toe sucking offer, it is not okay to solicit more offers by calling the local police. I know it may be embarrassing to consider having your toes sucked, but policemen do have real jobs that handle crime. And goodness, if you just can't help yourself, I do believe that one officer is sufficient to handle this non-crime.

#8 Tip for Those Offered Toe Sucking

If you find it embarrassing to consider having your toes sucked, calling the police and making it a public matter of record rather than a private one will not ease your embarrassment. Nor will bragging about your toe sucking offer to the newspapers prevent embarrassment.

#9 Tip for Those Offered Toe Sucking

If the toe sucking offer occurs at night with your spouse as witness and you've been drinking and make too much money and the toe suckee is not your spouse, you may want to remember that this might cause you to have to go to a sex addiction clinic at great expense.

#10 Tip for Those Offered Toe Sucking

Before calling the police, always ask yourself, did the tax payers of this county pay to protect my sexy feet from being fantasized about?

Thank you. If you have additional comments or advice on this weighty matter, the public will appreciate your aid, especially if you're an off-duty policeman.