Ten Tips to Being a Good Step-Mom

Becoming a step-mom is a scary prospect. I grew up in a divided home, my mom being the step-mom. She was rarely looked on in a favorable light by my step-brother and step-sister, but she did the best she knew how. I never imagined myself to become a step-mom. Actually I was quite convinced that I would never marry a man who had kids. I just didn't want the drama. But, all that changed one day when I met my now husband and his four year old son.I knew right away that I could love this man and his child.

When I met Dean he was four, cute as a bug, and had a huge imagination. He was not your typical four year old who threw fits and didn't like to share. Infact, he loved to share and was the best mannered kid I'd ever been around. Today he is thirteen and not much has changed. People keep warning me about the teens,but so far he is still the same sweet kid. Oh now he likes to pour on the cologne and is quite a pest, but other than that a really good kid. I know that it isn't always possible to have the greatest relationships with your step-children or step-parents. But for those of you who could have a better relationship and just haven't taken the time, here are a few things I have learned a long the way. I am sure I'll be adding on to these things as the years continue and I continue to learn more.

1.Remember you are not their mom.
Whether you are the only mother they have or whether they have a great mom, you can never be their mom. You can share many things with them and be involved in their lives as much as allowed, but you can never really be their mom. You can have definite ways that you run your house hold. You can expect them to respect that when they are in your house. You have no control of what they do when they are not at your house. You teach them things and love them, but that does not take place of their real mom. You cannot be offended by this. Mom's have an amazing hold over their children. This is okay and should be not only expected but encouraged.

2.Try To Keep Communication Open Between Families.
This is not always possible, but if there is any possibility this should be encouraged. It has been a good thing for our family. Dean's mom and I talk fairly often regarding struggles Dean is having, projects due, punishments he has etc. We try to keep the punishments the same between houses. If he has had TV privileges taken away there, we do the same here. This way there is no playing parents to speak of. He does not get away with something at one house and not at the other. For the most part, this works. Of course there are some differences between houses, but we try our best to get along. Another advantage is that he hasn't figured out yet that if he tells one person one thing and another person something else that we actually talk and figure out the truth. This has been a huge advantage with him that we have. Trying to form a united force has really made things so much better than if we were fighting all the time.

3.Do Not Talk Bad About The Other Family
There really isn't any excuse for this. Nobody wants to hear you talk bad about their parents even if it's true. We don't always see eye to eye with Dean's other family, but we never discuss that in front of Dean. He has never heard us say a bad thing about any of his family. It is just a rule we try to abide by. He is not allowed to say ugly things about his family to us either. He can vent about things, but I usually try to follow that up with a view as they might see it. This is a good way for him to learn that old rule "If you can't say something nice don't say anything at all."

4.Be Involved In His School Activities As Much As You Can.
This greatly depends on how much you are allowed to be involved. But, if it's OK then do what you can. I make lunch dates, meet him for book fairs, go to his games or anything else he invites me to. If he wants you to be involved in his life take advantage because he eventually will get older and not want you around his friends. Let him know you are interested in his school projects and his life in general.

5.Love Them For Who They Are.
Remember they are their own individual. This is especially hard if you are annoyed at their mom or dad. You have to remember just because your husbands ex drives you crazy doesn't mean you should blame the child. It's easy to get sucked into this especially if the child reminds you of the ex. Don't even go there. Remember that they are their own little selves and love them as such.

6.Don't Compare Them To your Own Child.
If you have children of your own you will find that this is sometimes hard to do also. This is especially true if your own child is a personality that you get a long with better. The best thing you can do is try to play up each child's natural gifts. Compliment your step son to your own child so they see good behavior and understand it. This also lets your child realize praise is not only due to them. My son is 19 months old. My step son is 13. This is a big age difference. I think at first it was hard for Dean because he had been the only grandchild for so long. Then a long comes the new one and every one oohs and ahhs. But, I try to point out the benefits of being older. He gets to go hunting with dad. He gets to stay up later. He gets chocolate and caffeine. Try to find things to make your step son realize he is still an important part of the family.

7.Realize You Will Make Mistakes.
When I got married I had never been a parent before and suddenly I was in charge part time of a very young child. I look back and feel I made a lot of mistakes. I'm sure I still am. I did not have the natural instincts a mom would have. I was not a nurturing type. I remember reading to him a lot as he was young, but I think there was a lot of things that I could have been a stronger guide to him on. I just didn't notice because I was in my own little world. I have always been good to him ,but now that I am a mom I think I would have been more observant had I been a mom first. But I have to just realize I was learning and move on down the road.

8.Serve As A Mediator Not An Instigator.
As a step-mom you have a huge chance to make the waters smoother. Already it is a really hard thing for a child to get used to two different homes. They have to remember what is allowed at one house may not be at another. It's got to be stressful just moving from house to house. The better everyone gets a long the less stress on the child. That should be the primary goal. So you should try as best as you can to get a long. This doesn't mean you have to let yourself be used, but just don't try to stir things up. Even though it is natural to feel a little competitive( I know I have) you have got to let go of your pride and just work on getting along.

9.Be Involved In Their Lives.
I have the unique position of not being mom but being an adult figure. I don't just try to be his friend because he has to respect me as an authority figure. But, I am in a pretty good position. He talks to me a lot about his life and things going on it. It isn't always the most interesting stuff. Sometimes he doesn't even tell me the truth, but I listen and I guide too. Because I am not exactly his mom, he is receptive to hearing my advice. It doesn't mean he always takes it, but he listens anyway. I give advice, I chastise, I listen, I even argue. I am in a wonderful position and I hope that I use that position to further his life in a positive way.

10.Learn From Their Lives.
I'm still working on this. There are times that I really get annoyed with him, as I do with my own child. But I know there is a reason he is in my life. Probably I am supposed to learn something from him. We are all in each others lives for a reason. He has already taught me a lot. Leave it to a kid to expose all your flaws. They will because they are watching and may even know you better than you know yourself. So keep your eyes open and realize that we are supposed to learn from their lives just as they learn from ours.