Ten Tips on Dating

Hello, I'm not Dr. Neal Clark Warren, but today, I'm going to attempt to help you find your soulmate. I write this from the perspective of a guy hoping to woo a girl; however, these tips may very well work the other way around. At any rate, follow these guidelines and most likely, you will have a happy relationship. Better yet, it's free!

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1) Never try to find your soul-mate at a rock concert. This is not because of the quality or morality of their music. This is because a typical rock performance has the exact same decibel level of a Boeing 757. Talking with someone, especially that certain someone, is practically impossible, unless the two of you are gifted in sign language. Instead, wait till a performance of classical music such as Pachelbel's Canon in D Major. This way, you and your soul-mate will be able to have a nice talk with the additional bonus of quiet background music. Granted, the entire audience will likely also be listening to your conversation, (and we're all greatly interested, believe me), but that's a small price to pay.

2) By the same token, never try to find your soul-mate at a big social event, like a prom or a youth rally . Yes, it may seem like the perfect time. Hundreds of girls and guys all together in one spot seems like the ideal set-up for a relationship. On the other hand, ever seen what happens when hundreds of cars try to get into the same stretch of an interstate? Go against the flow. Buck the trend. Let the others fight it out. Then, when the dust has settled, you move in and claim victory. (of course, you may be left with Bubba "The Cheese Sandwich" Dudwilly, or Chelsea-like-totally-Plastic, but at least you feel good about yourself).

3) Never use the phrase 'we're just friends' to describe your relationship with someone. You might as well start mailing the invitations. More weddings have been started via the WJF than by a proposal. Never has so much been so aptly and often understated. Rather, you should go the other route. When someone asks whether you and another person are 'an item', tell them that you're planning to elope and run away to the slopes of the Himalayas, where you'll spend the rest of your united lives studying the habits of the wild yak. Then make your getaway in the ensuing stunned silence.

4) By all means, do not use those cheesy icebreaker lines that you found on a website somewhere. They may indeed be just the right blend of sentimentality and wittiness, but remember, if you can find them, he or she can find them too. In the words of Rosie O'Donnell, 'Google it". My advice: if you feel the need to accentuate your natural wit and charm with a witty and moral pick up line, be original. Go for something that maybe no one else has said before. Exercise creativity. Ever heard pick-up lines about hydrochloric acid? Depleted uranium? The Israeli-Palestinian conflict? Hebrew verb structures? Believe me, if you can successfully work that into a conversation starter, you're going places.

5) Sing. The serenade has gone out of style, which is a major shame. Granted, there aren't that many appropriate songs anymore. Still, serenading can't be a lost art. You just need to pick the right song. This would not be the time for, say, the Battle Hymn of the Republic. (unless, if course, the target of the song is a descendant of William T. Sherman) Instead, try the immortal VeggieTales classic: His Cheeseburger. That'll knock 'em dead. Follow it with Sunrise, Sunset, and you may as well deploy the WJF then and there.

6) Never, and I mean never, allow yourself to be alone with a person of the opposite sex. Do not misunderstand. This doesn't mean you can't talk together in public places, such as restaurants, bowling alleys, and the mall. However, you should never place yourself in a position of being absolutely alone with her (or him, if you're a girl). Consider the Star Wars prequel series. What was the exact point at which Anakin Skywalker began to turn to the Dark Side? Answer: During Star Wars II: Attack of the Clones, when he went off gallivanting across the universe, all alone with Padme. If Obi-Wan had been there, chaperoning, their relationship might have developed in a more stable way. Instead, Anakin privately dated Padme, with no one else around, and look what happened. So never go on a exclusively private date. You'll destroy all civilization! You'll end up as a hideous asthmatic cyborg,cut off from all human existence! Your grand-nephew will slay your son's wife with a lightsaber! DON'T DO IT!

7) It is always helpful to read poetry on a date. However, you must choose your poem wisely. You have two choices: borrow from the classics, or make up your own. This can be a difficult decision. Either way, whatever you decide, absolutely do NOT try to pass off a classic poem as your own work. If you normally talk like Miss Teen South Carolina, and you suddenly write a poem sounding like William Shakespeare, she will notice. And besides, nothing is hidden from the awesome power of Google. Remember that.

8) If you make up your own, keep in mind that she will value creativity. Ergo, you should probably go for something beyond the ever-popular Roses Are Red, Violets Are Blue ditty. Try to make comparisons no one else has used before. For example, suppose your intended has green eyes, and laughs a lot, you could go with this....

Your eyes are like an emerald green, so light and sharp and clear,
Your face is bright like kittens smiling on a sunny day,
Your laugh is like a clarinet, skipping fair and free,
Your kin must be from Elven queens, so merry and so fey.

Do it like that, and you've got it made. On the other hand, if you come off like this...

Roses are red,
Violets are not,
Your eyes are so green,
Like newly-blown snot.

All I can say is, you need therapy. Bad.

9) Try to adapt your poetry, or other compliments, to her interests. If she likes Tolkien, for example, make comparisons to Goldberry, Elbereth, or Galadriel. If England, you might go for the classics like "My luv is like a red, red rose,". Another English classic would be "How do I love thee? Let me count the ways." (extra points if you actually have a numbered list of your own!) If politics, quote a President. Granted, Presidents are not the most romantic of men, but surely you can find something. After all, they all got married, didn't they? (Well, except for James Buchanan, but he wasn't that great of a President anyway.)

10) Despite all the poetry and the compliments and what not, there may come a point where you realize that you and she may just be too far apart. For example, if you are a conservative along the lines of Rush Limbaugh, and she is somewhere to the left of Mike Gravel, well, then, you might want to rethink that relationship. Yes, opposites attract, but that doesn't mean they keep holding together.