Ten Tips for Dealing with the Empty Nest

Every fall, as children "grow up" and go off to college, another round of parents experiences what is commonly called "Empty Nest Syndrome". My husband and I are experiencing the empty nest right now. Our youngest has moved three states away to attend school, so my husband and I coming to the realization that it's just the two of us kicking around this suddenly-huge house. It's more than a little frightening. For years, our lives have centered around parenting. Now we need to learn how to back off the day-to-day management of children, and how to focus on growing our relationship.

I have a few tips to share with other parents who are living in an empty nest!

Empty Nest Tip #1: Expect to feel a flood of emotions. I've cried a few times and I know Ken has too... but we've also burst out laughing with delight to know that it really is just the two of us. It's felt like a roller-coaster ride, and it should. This is a big change! In fact, since the empty nest is such a big change, it's usually best to put off other big changes for a few months or even longer. Returning to work or relocation, on top of everything else, may just be too much at first.

Empty Nest Tip #2: Expect your child to feel a flood of emotions, too. They may feel overwhelmed by school one minute, and loving (or hating) their roommate the next. They may call to tell you about all these huge decisions they made by themselves, and then call for your advice on what to eat for lunch. This generally is all quite normal! We've helped where help seems needed, and given our daughter the freedom to make as many of her own decisions as possible. Several times, I've referred her to her academic advisor because I simply didn't know the answer. We are watchful for signs of true depression (as opposed to a gloomy day), and will make sure she sees a counselor if there are issues. (Free Empty Nest Tip: Be sure you and your child have a good cell phone plan!)

Empty Nest Tip #3: Expect to feel a bit strange every time you cook a meal. Cooking for two is hard at first! I've always cooked for four - even when it was only three of us. The extra portion was put up for my husband's lunch. Now that it's just the two of us, I've actually increased the amount I cook - If I cook for six, I have two complete dinners for two, plus two individually-portioned lunches. This gives us several "free" nights per week where cooking's not required. Resist the urge to say, "Well, it's just the two of us. Let's eat out!" Doing this two often will increase your waistline and dramatically decrease your available funds! However, you should try to plan a "special" night every once in a while... dinner, dancing, or a movie will go a long way toward building your relationship.

Empty Nest Tip #4: Expect to have to re-learn the fine art of conversation. Face it, for years you and your spouse have talked about the kids and how to raise them. You've also done a lot of talking to your child. Now the dynamics have changed, and you need to learn how to talk to each other. While it's likely that you'll each pursue your own interests and hobbies, try to find ways to spend time with each other as you do them. For example, if you like crafts and your spouse likes to watch sports on television, do them in the same room rather than in opposite ends of the suddenly-huge house. Find things you can do together, too... be willing to talk about and try new things that you might not have done with kids at home. Maybe you'll discover a great mutual love of fly fishing, skydiving, or hiking!

Empty Nest Tip # 5: Don't be afraid to re-do your child's bedroom - but be sure there's space for them to come home for holidays and the summer! Even if their initial plan is to stay gone, that may change. One solution is to do away with the bed and replace it with a futon. Another is to invest in a built-in bed or hide-a-bed that stands up inside a small freestanding closet, then drops down when needed. Some families use a loft bed, 5 or 6 feet off the floor (rather like a top bunk), and install a complete office or craft area underneath. As you're redecorating, feel free to go a little wild with things like paint. You can change it in six months for around $20. Paint the walls bright red or wasabi green!

Empty Nest Tip # 6: Get information! Do some reading about the empty nest. Read some good marriage-building books as well. If you feel like you're struggling after a few weeks, or you even remotely suspect that your marriage is starting to suffer, consult a trusted counselor together - a friend who's been through this, your pastor, family doctor, or a professional therapist.

These are just a few simple tips! However, employing them right from the start will help you and our spouse build a fabulous new life - alone together in your empty nest!