Ten Tips for How to Handle a Difficult Child

Difficult children want to make their parents feel sad, mad, afraid and anxious. They enjoy when their parents doubt themselves and feel worthless. Difficult children are projecting an inner disturbance. Difficult children act out to replicate their internal chaos.

Children who experienced trauma in their lives eventually turn out to be difficult children. Their oppositional behaviors are a reflection of their need to survive in a world they cannot trust. In their world, they experience a real excruciating feeling of helplessness. Life is about consistent failures. In the process of surviving the pain, they push people away. They control the people they can control. Why? They do not want to be hurt anymore. They want the inner hurts to stop. Their being difficult is their defensive behavior. The difficult child is wounded and acting out his pain. And, Mom... you are the first target.

Moms of Difficult Children

If you are the mother of a difficult child, you are bewildered. You have been giving and giving to your child. You are rethinking about your parenting skills. You are doubting your parenting instincts. You are exhausted. You feel isolated as family and friends tend to keep their distance. In her book "Love is Not Enough", Nancy Thomas explains why no matter if the abuse is done by the father, the mother is always the target. The difficult child sees his mother as unable to protect him from his hurts. Thus, he directs his anger to his mother.

Revising Your Parenting Techniques

With difficult children, you cannot use normal parenting techniques. In fact, it may be counterproductive. You need a tool box with different specialized tools for each behavior. These tools will deregulate their emotions and help them be calm. The secret of parenting a difficult child is to stop being angry. In the process, you can go past the hurts and into healing.

Behaviors that Difficult Children Do

What are some of the behaviors that difficult children manifest to their parents?

The challenging behaviors can include physical aggression and rage, sloppy job at chores, disobedience, lying, stealing, rudeness and frequent interruptions, homework resistance, destruction of property, inappropriate behavior in public, sexual acting out, swearing and cussing, obnoxious behaviors on dinnertime and refusal to eat, sarcasm, defecation and urination in inappropriate places, unkindness to pets, and lack of boundaries.

Typical responses of Parents to their Difficult Children

Parents with difficult children tend to respond with emotions and instincts. It escalates to the point of no return. Parents respond with coercion and threats to instill fear. Frustrated parents kick their difficult children out of their house. Parents with depression distance themselves from the child. Most parents give punishments which tend to increase resentments instead of diffusing the anger.

10 Tips to Deal With The Difficult Child

1. Prioritize your marriage.

Your difficult child must know that you and your spouse are a couple. In other words, a team. Deborah Hage, an attachment therapist said that "A house divided cannot stand." You and your spouse must agree to a parenting strategy. Take care of yourself and your spouse.

First, acknowledge that your expectations on your child need to be changed. Second, you cannot wait until your child is out of the house to do something about your marriage. Third, you and your spouse must know how to choose battles wisely and win them. Fourth, you and your spouse are the leaders of the household. Keeping your marriage intact will form a secure base for your difficult child.

2. Give consequences and not punishments

Allow the difficult child to experience natural consequences of his bad decisions. However, natural consequences have some limits. The safety of the child is more important. Thus, logical consequences are the next strategies for effective parenting. For every damage inflicted on property, the difficult child must be prepared to repay it back. It can be in monetary form or in extra chores. Punishments are given by parents to inflict suffering to the erring child. Physical punishments cause shame. Punishments must be avoided.

3. Avoid anger, hostility, sarcasm

When a child is highly charged, the parent must step back and learn to be calm in the chaos. The child needs to understand that you know how to remain calm in an upsetting situation. A difficult child feeds on angry and sarcastic emotions. It empowers a disturbed child. You cannot use force to let a child do something. He must learn self-control from you. Give yourself numerous opportunities to practice responding without anger. Parents must learn not to take it personally when a child becomes defiant and refuses to cooperate. A parent must opt to diffuse the hostility through calming techniques rather than confront.

4. Give hugs and smiles

According to Nancy Thomas, an attachment parenting expert "human beings need eight hugs a day to maintain emotional stability; wounded children need twelve hugs a day for emotional healing."

Not only will it make you look younger, but smiling at your children quite often will create instantaneously a warm, cozy feeling of acceptance.

5. Take care of yourself by de-stressing

Pick several tasks that you are passionate about and do these activities regularly. If you like reading books, you can set one day a week to go to the bookstore or the library. You can allocate a portion of your budget for weekly spas or massage. Catch up on your sleep.

6. Redefine success

Parents of difficult children must revised their expectations. You must redefine what success is all about in raising these children. You must set a level of expectation that is realistic. It must set the limits and boundaries of the child. You can start counting the blessings you experience each day instead of the chaotic incidences. Success may be redefined as learning to respect others and properties. Success may mean the handling of consequences with acceptance instead of resistance. Success may mean getting along with other siblings. Success may mean one new friend for the child. Success may mean being able to take vacations and enjoy it. Success may mean the child learning to be fun.

7. Learn Pizazz

Nancy Thomas, author of "When Love is Not Enough" explains the use of pizazz. Nancy Thomas defined pizazz as "the raising of the voice, change of tone, wide-eyed eye contact and animated expression usually done with excitement."

Difficult children are used to negative-induced emotional reactions from the parent. Pizazz is showing excitement verbally on every positive and responsible task done by the difficult child.

8. Ask and find help

Parents of difficult children need an emotional support system from family, friends, church mates and community resources. The tendency is to isolate your family. The most effective method is to join a local support group. Another effective approach is to find a therapist or counselor who understands the dynamics of difficult children. You can also seek to look for therapeutic respite providers to give you some weekend relief.

9. Practice expected behaviors during non-stressful moments instead of chaotic times

It is very important to establish respect between you and your difficult child. Require your child to be respectful and polite in his words and manners. Parents must not exercise democracy and hold no discussion until the difficult child learns to defer to authority. The difficult child must learn acceptable responses instead of grunting, shrugging and eye-rolling. Let your difficult child treat you and your spouse like royalty instead of doormats.

The behaviors expected from your defiant child must be practiced when there are no tensions in the house. Parents can ask the child to carry out some consequences to practice. For example, parents can ask the child to practice "going to his room for time outs", "obeying short tasks that parents ask", or simulating rage and demonstrating to child do do breathing techniques.

10. Pray for extra strength and graces to heal

Not only does your child need healing, but parents of difficult children need to heal too. Many parents of difficult children are abused. Parents of difficult children harbor resentments.

It is easy to look at your difficult child as a monster. Do not curse your child but instead bless him. In blessing him, you are asking God to protect and keep the child safe from himself. The rage of a child produces guilt, hatred and dark thoughts. Prayers calm down the child. Parents must instill a family tradition of daily prayers. Prayer is a time-tested solution for handling a difficult child. Parents receives extraordinary graces of enlightenment and perseverance through prayers. If a parent does not recognize the Divine Healer, they will be in an endless search for solutions and treatments for their difficult child.

Sources:

Nancy L. Thomas, "When Love is Not Enough"

Therapeutic Parenting, ATTACh.org

Deborah Hage, "Teaching Self-Control to Children Out of Control"

"Teaching Self Control to Children Out of Control