Ten Tips Step-Mothers Should Know
Step-Parenting is No Easy Task
1.)
Don't expect to be loved and accepted by the kids. Every kid is different. Every situation is different. Junior could love you or hate you, and you can't change that. What you can and should do is always be there, never judgemental, and allow the children to come to you. They will guide the relationship into what it needs to be. Do expect to be hated by the other parent. Many relationships are still tender and fragile when the new step-mom joins the family, and negative feelings can impede an otherwise good relationship. Jealousy and mis-trust abound.
2.)
Do attempt a working relationship with your step-kid's mom and ask for support from your husband. If the children are spending a significant amount of time in your home, you will need to have good communication skills for the sake of the kids. She may not want anything to do with you, but both parties need to work to realize a common goal - raising happy, healthy, well-adjusted children.
3.)
Do support the children's "real parents", even if you don't necessarily agree. The children need to see a united front. As a step-mom, you can offer your opinion, but it isn't always accepted. You should not undermine the parents' authority - that will only breed mis-trust with the parents and teach the children how to manipulate the situation. Respect the children's mother because even if you are at odds, she is still their mother and deserves your respect.
4.)
Never bash the parents, and don't let anyone else. In young children, parents are a part of them, and talking negatively about them can injure a fragile self-esteem. Remember that even if you disagree, most parents are truly working hard to raise their children the best way that they can. Try to focus on the good things their natural parents bring to the table.
5.)
Do not become involved with child-support disputes and expect money to always be an issue. Just becasuse your husband has a manageable child support payment now doesn't mean it will stay that way. As children get older and time passes, expect that number to increase, sometimes drastically. Child support is between your husband, his ex, and the state. Unfortunitely, even if you have children with your husband, your opinion doesn't really matter here.
6.)
You can't expect to be Super-Step-Mom and angels will not sing your praises. Step-mothering really can be a thankless job. Don't expect Junior's mom to thank you when you've been up all night with a vomiting child. Just know that you have done the right thing, and even if they don't show their appreciation now, the children will remember your hard work. Your level of involvement with the children can vary from almost nothing to all-out "third parent". You need to find the groove that works for your family.
7.)
You have no schedule or privacy. Custody schedules can always change. Be prepared for your "off weekend" to turn into romper room at a moment's notice. That romantic dinner with your husband can always be rescheduled. You and your husband's schedule will forever be uprooted, regardless of how well you plan.
8.)
Don't push the children to call you Mom. This can out-rage their mother and really, a name is a name. Whether they call you Mom or Susie or Evil-Stepmother, a word does not change how they feel about you.
9.)
Do expect to be overwhelmed. Even if you already have children, adding a few more in the mix isn't as easy at it would seem. There are many different types of relationships on many different levels in a step-family, and often it seems to be more than anyone can handle.
10.)
Seek outside support. Check your local library for reading materials or search the internet for online support groups. Sometimes a different perspective or a supportive shoulder is all you need to make it through. Other times, professional family counseling may help.
In short, step-mothering is bittersweet. It can be tiring, overwhelming, and downright frustrating, however, immensely rewarding. I love my biological daughter for making me a mother, but I also love my step-daughter for allowing me mother her, even when I am not her mother by name. There are small rewards - from silly artwork to an occassional thanks from her mom -- that make it all worth while. Your level of success as a step-mother cannot be measured and there is no scientific formula. It is about being comfortable in your role, however involved that may be, and and offering nurturing support of your step-children, love and support for your husband, and always finding time for yourself to nourish your dreams.
Published by Mom To Three
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10 Comments
Post a CommentI am a step mom and it hasnt been easy for me. The monther of my step son is irresponsible, she doesnt take care of the child and tells all the terrible things the child about the father and myself. The boy is eight and he lies and tries to play my husband and I against each other and my husband when it comes to him, the thinks like a child and doesnt analyse anything, if the child lies about me, the turns to me and blame me for not liking his child and screams at me. His ex-wife stresses him out using the child and he then lashes out on me, I really dont know what to do I am even considering divorce but I cant just be offended like this all the time, all i want to take care of my family in peace but I dont get that peace.
Oops! the end of my post got chopped off!
I was going to finish by saying read Rae's article on "disengaging". We all want things to work out (after all, stepmums are not the evil witches portrayed in fairytales!) but if, sadly, things are just not working out and it's affecting your marriage and making you unhapy, it's worth a try.
As tip 6) above says your involvement with your stepkids can range from full-blown substitute Mum to almost nothing at all.
Some nice tips here and it's great to hear a positive story about stepchildren.
I do agree with Becky that not every story is going to have a happy ending. The key to this is the parents of the child, working together for what's best for the child rather than their own selfish ends.
Bitter ex-wives/girlfriends can use the kids as a weapon, only thinking of their own self-gratifiaction over what is genuinely best for the kids. If the kids are brainwashed by their mums into thinking that "daddy ran off with a tart who doesn't want daddy to see you again" and if daddy doesn't want to rock the boat by defending his new partner, then there's little any new partner can do except sit back, not get involved and try not to be hurt by the things the child says and does.
Becky - if I were being completely honest, knowing what I know now, I would steer clear of someone with children from a previous relationship. I love my husband very much, but the lack of support I've had from him for a
Oh it's definitely not easy! However, when my husband and I got together, we both knew it was a package deal, good and bad. We both knew we had the same basic parenting philosophies (even though the "other" parents don't) so at least when things get tough, we're a united front. He backs me with my ex and I back him with his. We know as our kids get older it will get harder and more complicated. We just try to provide a warm home, family meals, support, a sense of stability, etc. Sometimes the kids hate us for it (Why can't they eat McDonald's in the car?) and sometimes they love us for it (We each got to make a part of the dinner and eat it together). It's a whirlwind, it's crazy, and if it weren't for my Lexapro :) I don't think I could do it!
I am sorry but I am a step-parent and you people are not telling the truth on how it really is. In my marriage I feel totally emotionally abused from his son and his ex-girlfriend.
They both play games and play my husband and myself against eachother. I have older children and the best advice I can give them is to stay clear of a person who already has children it will spare them heart ache in the end.
no it isnot right for her to send pictures that include her...
I'm the step-mom. Is it proper for the ex-wife to send pictures of herself and the kids to my husband?
my husband was divorced twice with two children, one from each marriage. They are both girls. They are each different, however in some ways the same. I also have a daughter of my own, but me and my husband do not share any children together. My ideas of parenting are much different than my husbands. I have set boundaries for my daughter. However, for his daughters there are no boundaries from either him or his ex-wives. This has been one of the hardest things in our marriage. One of his daughters does not even speak to him anymore because of her mother not liking me, and the other daughter is wild as wild could be always getting into trouble. I know this sounds biased, but my daughter makes good grades and knows that when I say no, I mean "no", and she has never given me any trouble whatsoever. She is respectful of me and my husband. I feel that I keep trying so hard and it has only backfired on me. I wish there was a way we all could get along and find some sort of happiness. I
Very true! They are a gift even when things are downright crazy! I think a lot of people get hung up on the terms (mom, step-kids, "real parents", etc.) instead of focusing on the relationships themselves.
Great article. These are some wonderful tips for step-parents to remember. I also have stepchildren, but I prefer to call them gift-children, as every child is a gift, whether biological or not. :-)