Ten Worst Beach Movies... Ever!

Long gone are the days of Beach Blanket Bingo, innocence and taste. Welcome to a list of movies that are as big of flops as the big garbage dump in the ocean that's been all over the news lately. It's stinky, it's raw and it's your glimpse into the Top Ten Worst Beach Movies, delivered in no particular order. Toss a clothespin on your nose and dig in.

"Dracula vs. Frankenstein, 1970" - I love horror films, especially with vampires, so of course I was curious about the 1970 movie, "Dracula vs. Frankenstein." Dracula AND Frankenstein? Awesome! But, in the end, not so awesome. Even though I love a good old classic flick, this movie was nothing short of cheese, even with Lon Chaney Jr. playing an axe-toting homicidal maniac. It makes it in this list of beach bunny horrors, because of locale and "tough" beach bikers. Watch this one if you're a fan of J. Carrol Naish or Lon Chaney Jr. and want to see the last movies they ever starred in... or watch this for the sheer joy of snoring mid-moving or the humorous past-time of 'point and laugh.' Either way, it's bound to make you throw your beach ball at the DVD player at least once for every wasted buck you paid to Blockbuster to rent this garbage.

"Blue Crush, 2002" - Could this movie be any more predictable? Not even if I had the script sitting in front of me, sadly. If you want to rent it for Kate Bosworth and the other sexy girls in bikinis, or even for the brilliant blue waves off the coast of Hawaii, go for it. However, if you're looking for depth, substance, or something 'different," hang ten and wait for another wave. Full off your typical teenage angst and gushy love and crushes, this surfer girl movie is a definite wipeout!

"Back to the Beach, 1987" - I appreciate parodies and all sorts of humor in general, and with Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello not only starring in, but also helping to produce this retro spoof, I was a little excited. Who wouldn't be? Frankie and Annette! Beach Blanket Bingo! Who can forget the classic 60's beach party movies? So this should be a great movie, right? Wrong. While it does have some very humorous bits, here and there, the movie is simply a wet noodle, overall. A great movie for anyone wanting to snicker and check out past stars and see what they look like, 20 years later. A bad movie if you want to think about what you're watching. Annette does make a pretty sexy cougar though!

"Creatures from the Pink Lagoon, 2006" - "Pink is the new black," they say. A group of gay men gather together at a friend's beach house, celebrating a birthday bash when, all of a sudden... eek! Zombies. Horrific, frightening, man-eating (cough) zombies! Scary!

This tongue-in-cheek parody delivers if you want camp and cheese. It's one of those films that's so bad it's good; Kind of like a car wreck, with how you want to, but just can't seem to look away, this is a definite bad flick but one that will hopefully become another cheesy cult classic like "The Attack of the Killer Tomatoes" or "The Rocky Horror Picture Show."

"Jaws 3, 2003" - Maybe it's because I live near the ocean and have to worry about shark attacks when we go swimming, but I've never really been fond of the Jaws movies. I watched the first one as a child and found it intimidating but, as an adult, it ranks pretty high on the lame scale. So how could it get any worse? Drag it out into a trilogy of giant killer sharks hunting people and THEN make it 3-D. Oh the horror!

"Surfer, Dude, 2008" - One would think that a movie starring Matthew McConaughey, Alexie Gilmore, Woody Harrelson and even Willie Nelson would be a hit. I mean, c'mon - Willie Nelson as a guardian angel? Gnarly dude! But this inane mixture of surf-culture, stupidity and drugs does not a good movie make - Fast Times' Spiccoli pulled it off. McConaughey just seems like he's been hit on the head one too many times with his board. You'll feel the same way too, about halfway through the movie. It's a real snore.

"The Prince and the Surfer, 1999" - I grew up with C. Thomas Howell, who played Ponyboy in "The Outsiders," and I've always respected the crispy guy in "Nightmare on Elm Street," played by Robert Englund. Tease me further and tell me the movie is a remake of the classic "Prince and the Pauper" tale by Mark Twain and I'm all over it. Wish I hadn't been, though...this movie is dull and unimaginative. A disappointing waste of a Netflix rental.

"Surf School, 2006" - Non-surfing teenagers decide to try to win a surfing championship so, needless to say, they do what any other sane teenager would do... They pack up their bikinis and swim trunks, move into a hippy commune and enroll in surfer school, complete with a burn-out of a surfer teacher. Throw in some Swedish girls in bikinis and a love-sick monkey, and you have wasted a couple of hours on stupidity. Take a nap - you'll enjoy it more.

"Swept Away, 2002" - I love Madonna and, upon hearing she was in this movie, I rushed to go see it. Sadly, much as in all the other cases, I am painful reminded that while Madonna is gorgeous and talented, and while she has the voice of an angel... Madonna cannot act. This movie sounds very promising when you go to rent it, but don't be fooled by the gifted writer that pens the box packaging - I don't believe he's the same guy who wrote the script or perhaps then, the movie would have been more entertaining.

"Bikini Bandits, 2000-?" - Voluptuous women in bikinis, hairy men in cowboy hats and wild adventures to Hell and beyond. Sound like something you'd want to watch? Ugh. Yes, they took a bunch of horrible shorts and began to stitch this mess into a movie. I guess if you want to torture yourself, it might be something you'd enjoy watching. If you're into that really extreme pain and boredom thing. You'd probably get more enjoyment out of watching Girls Gone Wild (if you're in it for the low IQ bikini girls) or WWF Wrestling (if you want to see the large, hairy men). Better yet, there's always professional bowling.