Ten New Year's Resolution Suggestions for Nicole Richie

I used to think that Nicole Ritchie was kind of cute. She wasn't quite as grating as Paris Hilton, and if you looked hard enough, you could almost see a flickering dartle of personality trying to break through her expressionless, R2D2-like eyes. After awhile, however, she began to resemble an anemic eagle that had just been smacked in the face with a bowling pin. The girl has problems. This article may seem mean-spirited, but I'm just trying to help her. I know it's not easy being a socialite with no real responsibilities. Maybe she'll read these suggestions and thank me by donating to my favorite charity (my bank account). Maybe not.

1. Eat a hamburger for lunch instead of ordering a single french fry and a cup of napkins at the drive-thru.

2. Stop appearing in your father's music videos. While you're at it, tell your father to stop making music videos. Lionel Ritchie may not be your biological father, but you both share the innate ability to be destitute holograms manipulated by old white men in business suits who think that appearing on Oprah and straining to be "hip" are wise career moves.

3. Your godfather is Michael Jackson. Go to the godfather store and GET A NEW ONE.

4. Sever your ties with Paris. You might be friends again, but it won't be long before she drags you down to her level. In a matter of seconds, you'll have a chihuahua stapled to your clavicle and a dust/cheese compound sprinkled onto your privates. Yeah, I went there.

5. Go on a diet. Just kidding!

6. Collect all of the vomit you have left in public bathrooms, freeze it, slice it, and bake a batch of kacksicles. Take the proceeds and give a percentage to ANAD (National Association of Anorexia Nervosa and Associated Disorders).

7. For the next season of "The Simple Life," intern at a blood bank. Viewers can chuckle as you and Paris accidentally switch clean blood with blood infected with HIV. Oops! You silly blondes. What wacky hijinks will you get into next week?

8. You will be debuting your first album soon. My suggestion? DON'T. If you release your album, the terrorists will have won.

9. Fire your publicist.

10. Fire anyone who has made any business decision for you in the past three years. Now that I think about it, you should just fire yourself.

"Anorexia is a life threatening condition that can put a serious strain on many of the body's organs and physiological resources. A recent review of the scientific literature outlined a number of reliable findings in this area. Anorexia puts a particular strain on the structure and function of the heart and cardiovascular system, with slow heart rate (bradycardia) and elongation of the QT interval seen early on. People with anorexia typically have a disturbed electrolyte imbalance, particularly low levels of phosphate which has been linked to heart failure, muscle weakness, immune dysfunction, and ultimately, death. Those who develop anorexia before adulthood may suffer stunted growth and subsequent low levels of essential hormones (including sex hormones) and chronically increased cortisol levels. Osteoporosis can also develop as a result of anorexia in 38-50% of cases, as poor nutrition lead to the retarded growth of essential bone structure and low bone mineral density.

Furthermore, changes in brain structure and function are early signs of the condition. Enlargement of the ventricles of the brain is thought to be associated with starvation, and is partially reversed when normal weight is maintained. Anorexia is also linked to reduced blood flow in the temporal lobes, although as this finding does not correlate with current weight, it is possible that it is a risk trait, rather than an effect of starvation.^"