Ten New Year's Resolution Suggestions for Paris Hilton

I have to credit Associated Content with this genius idea. Associated Content asked the content producers for the site to write an article based on "10 New Year's Resolution Suggestions for A Celebrity or Politician." Immediately I thought of either George W. Bush or Paris Hilton, and after much thought I figured Bush has had enough bad press so Hilton was the obvious choice. And boy am I glad I chose her! Paris Hilton is like a really, really delicious cake. No matter how bad she is for us, how much we hate her or how much she upsets us with her ditsy, spoiled trust fund personality we still eat up her stories like it's a moist Lemon Poppy Seed Pound Cake. We can't get enough of her. Even so, I've taken the liberty of fulfilling Associated Content's request by offering a few suggestions for Paris Hilton's New Year's resolutions. Trust me folks, this is hot. Using the David Letterman scientific formula for counting down, I will start from number ten and count down to the number one resolution suggestion.

Paris Hilton Resolution #10- Invest in underwear.
With all of Paris Hilton's paparazzi nip slips and up skirt snapshots gracing the magazines and Internet websites, I suggest that she move a little money from her three hundred million dollar savings account to her checking so that she can purchase a few pairs of cotton underwear. Well, maybe with Paris we should take baby steps. Let's just start off by buying thongs, and if she behaves then Paris can graduate to underwear that will cover all of her intimate parts.

Paris Hilton Resolution #9- Install trampolines around the perimeter of her house.
For those of you that are not familiar with this story, at one of Paris' parties, Christian Slater apparently fell off of her roof and onto the ground. To give the public a more mature, responsible view of her she should install trampolines and mattresses around her house in the event that any other C List celebrities fall off the roof in a drunken stupor.

Paris Hilton Resolution #8- Don't swear off sex or relationships for a year.
What can I say, Paris? Swearing off sex for a year to you is like going without dinner every night to me. I know most people break their New Year's resolutions, but do your best to refrain from following that trend. I admire that you're ambitious and you're trying to create a classier impression for yourself, but you're Paris Hilton. Class and Paris Hilton don't mix.

Paris Hilton Resolution #7- Invest in better camera equipment.
Of course, we're all familiar with the infamous sex tape "One Night in Paris" which was more successful than her role in House of Wax. Though it was easily one of the best career moves any celebrity has made, we cannot picture her in any other way than the green and black night vision that was on the tape. With her money she should hire a camera crew and director and film the new version "One Day in Paris" so the overall quality of the film is much improved.

Paris Hilton Resolution#6- Ditch technology.
Earlier this year was the big Sidekick Scandal that involved a hacker accessing Paris' e-mails, phone contacts, and even nude photos. These photos were leaked onto the Internet and added to the galleries and galleries of Paris Hilton oops pictures. Being that she hasn't had much luck with cameras and cell phone technology, the best thing to do is go back to the days of handwriting letters and sending things through the postal system. I highly recommend keeping things simple to save yourself the embarrassment.

Paris Hilton Resolution#5- Out with "That's Hot" and in with "Trust Funds, baby."
One day the "That's hot" phrase was cute, but the next day it was just plain annoying. However, for some odd reason Paris keeps using it in all of her interviews. She even had the phrase trademarked. Paris, you're a big trend setter in the fashion world. You understand what it's like for something to be out of style. Well, the same goes for catch phrases. My recommendation is using the phrase "Trust funds, baby" in the style of fellow blonde and space cadet, Anna Nicole Smith. It worked for her in the Trim Spa ads so I think it could possibly work.

Paris Hilton Resolution#4- Dump Nicole Ritchie before it's too late.
Paris Hilton and Nicole Ritchie recently announced that they are now past their famous feuding and are now again BFFIAFCWs (Best Friends Forever In A Fake Celebrity Way). The bad news for us is that it means they'll be signing on to do the thirtieth season of The Simple Life. My suggestion is that she realizes the first season was the only popular one, and getting back together with Nicole is only furthering a bad career move. Nobody cares anymore how many times you flirt with local country boys and take on ridiculous jobs that require you to put on chicken costumes. Spend this time instead by catching up on your handwriting and letter skills.

Paris Hilton Resolution#3- After partying, have food delivered.
In September of 2006, Paris was formerly arrested for a DUI. She told the police officer that she was just speeding to get a burger from In-N-Out. Paris should make it a resolution for year of 2007 to have food delivered to her house when she's done partying. She needs to plug the local number for Dominos into her cell phone and have it on speed dial for any late night munchie emergencies.

Paris Hilton Resolution #2 - Never make an album again.
This one needs no explaining. You heard the single "Stars Are Blind" on the radio this year. There's no excuse for anyone to ever make an album that terrible. Her album should be banned in all states. Next time Paris is feeling ambitious, do a little research on your demographic audience first.

Paris Hilton Resolution #1 -Give pay raise to PR rep.
Give the guy a break, Paris. Attending to your PR disasters is a full-time job. The guy can hardly spend time with his wife and family. You keep him on the go constantly whether it's cleaning up your sex video mess or picking you up in the middle of a night after a scuffle with another celebrity at the bar. I think we can both agree that he's been worth every penny. At least give him a hefty Christmas bonus. No matter how terrible of a person you've been, somehow America has remained infatuated with your persona, so evidently his spin on things has been effective. I give him an A++ for effort.