Test Driving a Guy

Secrets of real men revealed

The most fun a woman can have shopping for a guy (without getting dirty).

Contrary to popular belief, you can't tell how a many will treat his wife (or girlfriend) by the way he treats his mother. That is a myth invented by mothers who can't make Junior move out. And even if he does treat mom like a cherished heirloom, if mom is number one, guess who's going to remain forever number two?

So, aside from private investigators (expensive) or asking his last girlfriend (setting yourself up to be grossly misled), how can you tell if your man will treat you the way in which you'd like to become accustomed - with respect, love, and a teensy bit of panting worship thrown in for good measure?

It's quite simple, actually. Watch how he treats his car. For many men, it's their first real love. You will be able to observe many behaviors, not the least of which is that if the man loves his car too much, you will, once again, be relegated to number two. So, make sure your seatbelt is fastened, your beams on high, and take a good long look at what's under the hood.

How many vehicles does he own? More than one? He can't make a commitment.

His car has a name. Beware. If he howls Heather/Shannon/Mandy in the throes of passion, you might believe he really was referring to his old Mustang.

Cleanliness: Is barefoot and recently showered the only way he'll grant you entrance to his "baby?" Obsessive/compulsive.

Decorating tastes: Does he have black fur seat covers or fuzzy dice hanging from the mirror? Are his stereo speakers bigger than his back seat? Does his car wear a bra? Enough said.

Bumper stickers: "HARVARD" or "Keep Honking I'm Reloading"? No bumper stickers at all? That either means he has chrome anxieties, or he has no passion whatsoever.

Refueling: Does he wait until the glow of the gas empty light shines on his fevered brow as he coasts, with a triumphant smile, into the station on fumes or does he keep it topped off? Can he pump his own or does he keep driving until he finds a full service station?

How does he feel about the other men's cars? Admiration for custom paint jobs or snide comments about what's under the hood? Any signs of engine size envy should be taken very seriously.

Now, if he's passed by all the orange cones without knocking any over, you're ready to travel further into his psyche via the road trip. Observe his driving style, which will be even more revealing.

Control: Has he removed the knobs on the radio so you can't change the station? Will he turn the heat on high and sit in a puddle of perspiration because you're cold? Does he roll down your window without asking? Can he listen to you and drive at the same time?

Backing up: Does he perform gracefully using only his mirrors? Or, does he routinely smack you in the head when reaching for the back of the passenger seat to turn around and look?

Seating: Watch carefully. Does he sit back, relaxed and happy or hunch forward, demented and defensive?

Speed: How fast does he want to go? Does he go so slowly other drivers routinely pass and flip him off? Is he aware of and can he read speed limit signs or is he, perhaps, dyslexic? Does his speeding ticket bill exceed his monthly bar bill?

Signals: Does he forget to signal when he's going to turn, or worse, signal when he changes lanes and keep on signaling for miles? This denotes thoughtlessness, and/or a tendency toward forgetfulness, never a good sign.

Brake/Gas - One foot on each? He can't make decisions.

Shifting: Hard? Fast? Too much? Too little? Grinding the gears? Can't drive a stick shift at all? Be wary of stick shift deficiencies, ladies.

Stops: Does he jam on the brakes just under the traffic light or ease to a full and complete stop at just the right moment? Does he run red lights? Slow down at green lights? And watch what he does at yellow lights. Does he understand the definition of the word caution without being neurotic?

Stalling: Can he locate the hood release? When he looks under the hood, note his expression. Does he look puzzled? Does he at least know where the spark plugs and dipstick are? Better yet, can he make the engine purr with just a flick of the wrench? Or does he have AAA programmed into his cell phone because he hates to get his hands dirty? The best sign, of course, is that his vehicle never stalls at all.

Sharing: Does he ever let you drive or is he as protective of his wheels as he is of his wallet?

Getting there: Most men are wired with a genetic aversion to not only reading directions but asking for them. And we know that if we try to be helpful, he's not going to listen, so scrutinize his map reading ability. You want him to feel independent (read manly), but you don't want to hike 14 miles through Alligator Alley (barefoot) when you run out of gas either.

Parking: Between the lines? Across three lines out in East Bum, so no one can park next to him? Afraid of intimacy.

Obstacles: Does he get upset at detours? Impatient at stop signs? Does he have an appropriate amount of remorse for unavoidable road kill?

Last, but not least, what does he drive? More than he needs? More than he can handle?

Little red or yellow sports car - must be the center of attention at all times.

Mini van - divorced with children, he is comfortable being henpecked. Single and childless, he may have issues.
Two-story pick-up truck - wants to appear helpful while looking up your skirt.

Jeep Wrangler - likes to get down and dirty, but may never grow up.

Bicycle - environmentally conscious but may be cheap.

Hummer - needs to make a statement but doesn't have anything to say.

John Deere tractor - dependable, but probably won't take you anywhere.

In reality, what he drives isn't really as important, in most circumstances as how he drives. However, if you find a man who rides a Harley, you may have found a gem. Tattoos, beards, and possibly beer bellies, don't write these guys off just yet. A man with a Harley is balanced, focused, discerning and can't carry a lot of excess baggage. Grab him quick, hang on tight, and just enjoy the ride..........