Texas Man Crowned Most American American

Thursday, April 7 was a special day for the residents of Houston, Texas. While legislators debated the budget, American soldiers climbed the banks of the Kabul River, and Glenn Beck donned a triangular hat, the residents of Houston congregated at the Rodeo Cowboy Bull Riding Stadium to celebrate the crowning of 34-year-old Jessie Loomis as this year's most American American.

Raised in Houston by his corn-husking and cow-milking father, 34-year-old Jessie was chosen by the National Association of American Americans (NAAA) to be the recipient of this prestigious annual award as per his "dedication to everything that is American, including but not limited to eating greasy cheeseburgers, watching reruns of Hee Haw, and listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd over and over again."

"Look, any schmuck can be an American, but it takes a true patriot-preferably of the Caucasian persuasion-to be an American American," NAAA spokesman Mr. Ward Cletus told a crowd of 50,000 extremely obese people whose mouths were stuffed with chili cheese fries. "I'm talking about the type of feller who fears Jesus more than he do his 300-pound wife; who know how to make a confederate flag from nothing but a piece of cardboard, a stencil, and some crayons; and who can shoot a critter right in the eye from 30 miles away."

He added, "And that's exactly the type of man Jessie iz!"

In addition to being crowned, Jessie was also rewarded with a heavily used pair of blue jeans, a brand new Holy Bible, an analog television set with a complimentary pair of rabbit ears, and his very own 250-pound wife beater. Furthermore, he earned a four-day vacation to the Jerusalem of American Americans: Indy.

"I can't tell you how good these here awards make me feel," Jessie later told Fox News correspondent Geraldo Rivera, who in fact was the only reporter courageous enough to approach Mr. Loomis's trailer, which is protected by three pitbulls, an enormous 'NO TRESPASSING' sign, and an extremely old, shotgun-wielding woman adorned in a purple muumuu.

"After spending most my life trying to find the perfect recipe for apple-pie-flavored hooch, making a list of everything they be selling at Walmart, and shaving my dear Mama's hairy back-she the beautiful lady sitting on the makeshift porch-it's good to know somebody finally recognized all my hard work."

Unfortunately, this year's celebration has been marred by controversy. Houston's Hispanic residents, who represent approximately 37% of the city's population, have been arguing that this year's winner should have been Emilio Aguilar, a local Gulf War vet who volunteers twenty hours a week with disabled children, donates 25% of his pension to charity, and even directs his own mariachi band.

"Jessie sounds like a muy grande gringo, but what makes him more American than Emilio-a veteran who has dedicated his life to helping those in need, not to mention playing La Cucaracha?" Houston's entire Hispanic community had written in a press release that still had a wet taco bell stain on its back by the time it reached the NAAA's headquarters two days prior to Jessie's crowning.

Though they made what many feel is a fair argument, what with Walmart-groupie Jessie having far less accomplishments than Emilio, the NAAA ultimately chose to ignore their concerns and instead proceed with their original plans. They did, however, reply with a press release in which they argued that "there's a big difference between a Mexicant Do Shit American and a true patriot American American."

It read: "The bottom line is that ya'll just ain't real American Americans. A real American American puts his family first, including in the bedroom. A real American American only drives a quality car, like a pickup. And, most importantly, a real American American looks just like George Washington, minus the wig and makeup."

Upon receiving the reply, Houston's entire Hispanic population laughed for twenty minutes straight, after which they forgot all about the stupid award and moved on with their awesome lives.

Moral of the story #1: There's absolutely nothing wrong with living in a beautiful trailer park, listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd, or worshipping the 'good Lord,' but there is something very wrong with assuming this lifestyle is more American than that pursued by others-particularly Hispanics, Latinos, Columbians, and whatnot.

Moral of the story #2: I love greasy cheeseburgers, I love delicious tacos, and I've been to Indy! My parents took me there with some family friends when I was a wee lad. It was incredibly boring to me, partially because I was too short to know what the hell was going on, but I was there, damnit :-)!